I live so close to my campus and to my work that I can go home between classes and work. Every time I step outside, my mood changes. In the morning, I’m reminded of the gray skies above the emerald green UCC football fields I would look up to as I waited for a ride, or hung out with John. Usually I try to put on my Bittersweet Mix, and sometimes it fits. Other times, I’ll put on my Sad Mix, and it fits as well.

In the afternoon, the sun comes out, and spreads its’ rays across the street, reminding me of a time I sat in a library, the sky-light giving me the suns rays through dust and the smell of old print. The Total Annihilation soundtrack fits so perfectly, with its’ sometimes agressive, sometimes calm movements.

At night, everything feels familiar, and I put on my Moon Mix or my Breathe playlist. I feel nothing but familiar. I’ve already experienced everything I could at night.

I can see that my overall outlook is changing. Before, I would scorn the sunlight, and cast my eyes downward, wishing for a cloudy sky. Now, I know what happiness feels like. I had finally experienced it, and destroyed it simply by being me. I’m not sure if I actually want to feel it again. It’s something that’s just too much trouble.

My friend asked me once if I had any advice about dating. She believed that everyone just wants to be happy, no matter what trouble, a Freudian, I’m sure.

I told her not to fall in love.

This is such a grand topic for me that I don’t believe I will be able to go into sufficient depth today, but I will try.

Ignorance is something that pains me. When someone is ignorant, I can usually deal with it. After all, what can one expect of the world? However, when someone tries to push their ignorance on me, not only by patronizing me, but by being so zealous in their beliefs as to not accept anything else, then it troubles me. Well, first it enrages me, but when that subsides, I am troubled.

I always ask myself, “How can you be so ignorant? How can you understand nothing, and yet be so firmly planted in your beliefs? How is it that otherwise, you’re a likable person?”.

Something that comes into play is my need to be humble. Humility is something that is very important to me. I believe in only stating my opinions when they’re asked of me. That’s probably because it’s very rarely that people accept my opinions, and usually I’ll see it as wasted time when I try to explain something, and someone will refuse to see it.

My titanium ring serves as a reminder. Whenever I feel the urge to speak out, I’ll subconsciously adjust it on my finger, and remember that speaking out is not a good thing. It’s a very simple ring, without any designs or patterns, except for a pale gold band in the middle. It cost me a current months salary, due to the difficulty in forging titanium in an oxygen free environment, but seems as simple as a modest band. A symbol in itself.

When someone just astonishes me with their stupidity, the need to speak can be very overwhelming. I find that I can control it now though, that my patience has increased. It would be great if people could understand me. There are only a few people who truly do. It would make my urge to speak subside. I believe this urge stems from a cognitive need to be understood.

Instead, I have to deal with ignorance, people not accepting anything past their experiences or past their own fallibility. It’s something that once cost me a stable relationship.

But it was worth it.

I am a very confused person.

I wouldn’t consider myself a jealous person. After all, how can one be jealous when one is sure of oneself? It’s a contradiction to me. Almost always, in my relationships, this is true. However, a special case has come up, and I am jealous, an emotion I haven’t experienced in a long while. Yet there is nothing I can do about it. I can only sit here and take it. This isn’t something that I can change about myself. I am very insecure about this, and I have reason to be.

This jealousy nibbles inside me, creating an odd world of dysthymia. As long as I am jealous, I will be able to write and learn. God, I sound like something out of a Graham Greene novel. I was once afraid that I was becoming boring, having been given much in life, with nothing to write about.

Ah, well, let’s lay this issue to rest for today until I learn some more, and I can see the situation more clearly.

I do need to clear my head.

It seems so weird that I can pick up friends so well, and the ones I want to keep are always too busy for me, but the ones I can’t stand, are the ones whom I can’t get rid of. It seems like such a theme in my life, even in my relationships. I suppose that I can’t pick my friends, which means that I’m doomed to a life of loneliness (something that I believe I’ve already come to terms with), except for John, whom I can have a great time with. I mean, I have some of the most fucked up relationships ever.

There may be one explanation, which I hope is not true. It’s very subconscious, and very hard to explain. But I hope it’s not true. I would be an asshole if it was true, and I would deserve to be alone.

Being alone makes things so much simpler. I mean, my life is much less complex when I think about it. It’s quite a good feeling to not be dependent on anything. One would have the freedom to commit suicide without worrying about anyone caring. One has no responsibilities to anyone.

Will you be my friend? No, of course not.

What a fucking bad day.