Four and a half hours of class, with six hours of work. I’m writing this at work right now actually, because no one is really here, and I can never seem to find time at home to do anything productive anymore.

I fed my cat canned food yesterday and she loved it. I think I’ve settled with the name Dolores. I keep having to buy her new mousies cause she keeps wearing them out with so much play.

I bought Yoshi’s Island for my GBA yesterday, and it’s pretty damn good. I miss having a nice 2D platformer to play around in, and to collect the coins in. I realize that I should probably have saved myself the money and downloaded the ROM and uploaded it to my flash card, but it’s much more convenient this way, and I have the luxury of being able to play whenever I want, without interferring with other ROMs on the card.

I think I’ve decided not to go home during Thanksgiving. John’s going to be busy with his work (on a long week-end), and I’ll probably be busy with mid-terms and projects through the end of October. Unless I hook up with Darren over the week-end, there’s not much else to do down there. This way I’ll be able to take care of Dolores without having to get somebody else to feed her and clean up after her.

I’m still extremely tired. Trying to keep my kitten fit and disciplined is quite a process. She’s a great pet though. She was stood in front of my monitor, watching me play Starcraft yesterday. When she got bored, she fell asleep in front of me on my table. She’ll come into my bed when I’m sleeping and curl up next to me, hoping to catch some warmth. I’m pleased.

I’ve been skipping most of my classes, since I’m so damn tired all the time, and I feel pretty guilty about it. I suppose that I won’t feel guilty as long as I remember to keep everything in perspective.

Someone asked me if I thought that I was a smart person. I told her, “I am neither”, and I thought that it was a perfect self-contradictory statement of fallacy, and equivocality.

My current situation has been resolved, not that there was really anything that needed to be resolved about it. Things came up that needed resolution, and by a stroke of luck, everything worked out the way I wanted them to. I feel devious, inspired by John’s ability to walk out of any situation unscathed. I surprised myself actually. My calm, my control; things that I was never really able to control before. But I played the situation beautifully, devilishly, and got away with it.

As beautiful as Mandelbrots’ Set.

This one hurts.

God, I’m tired. I spent the entire day running errands. I took my kitten to the vet, which was a fairly painful experience. A bitchy, though red-headed, secretary “served” me. The appointments were an hour behind schedule. I decided to hold off on a confirmation of the name until I felt comfortable with it, which I currently do not. I’m fucking tired.

There’s something about a girl with long, slender, delicate fingers. They seem to speak of an intelligence not expressed in any other way. They way they move, the way they touch, the way they look. Sometimes dexterity is so simply an attractive feature that one misses it, while being drawn to other, more opulent features.

This kitten is so important to me right now. I think that this will be the closest thing to having kids for me. But as a human infant is dynamic and ever changing, creating a volatile environment of order, a cat is more static, leaving the possibility of boredom. This would be my worst nightmare. I hope I never grow tired of her. I hope “the novelty” never wears off. This life is my responsibility, and it will be the greatest test of my tolerance yet. Of course, there may be nothing in it; she may simply be a wonderful pet, which she is so far, creating a mutualistic symbiosis which I would gladly be a part of.

And, as one can tell, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m seeing somethings a little too far into the future, while I look at other things too unfocused to be viewed properly. If the jaguar is truly my totem, then I should be able to find patterns within this chaos, find some meaning in my present situation.

“a solid in the rippling water”

I’m extremely tired. My kitten kept me up all night. She took the middle of the bed, so I kinda had to sleep around her. I kept waking up, every time I needed to shift positions, scared that I would crush her. I’ve been playing with her during the evening so she loses a bit of the nocturnal instinct to go crazy at night. I named her Dolly, after Nobokov’s character Dolores Haze. I needed to keep the name under two syllables, and I think that it’s a good symbol of the way one can never tell whether a cat or human is the master, just as you couldn’t tell whether Dolores or Humber was in control.

I feel so unorganized. I have so many things to do it seems. Take care of this, take care of that. I think that I’ve brought a lot of responsibility on myself, adopting a kitten, applying for a Big Brother position, doing this and doing that. I think that I feel much more mature and important when I do all this. Perhaps it’s a cry for attention, but I doubt it. It feels like I’m suddenly being overloaded with things to do. I didn’t finish a single one of the three assignments that I had due this week. I’ve actually been losing sleep, which is an extremely rare thing for me.

I felt so guilty about those assignments. I’m pretty sure that I failed one of them. I just need to keep everything in perspective, something that Sam taught me so long ago it seems. Everything feels so chaotic, spiraling outwards like Yeats’ falcon from the falconer. Not that I think the Second Coming as at hand, of course, but things just seem so complicated right now. They’re nothing compared to other peoples’ problems, I know, but I’m not use to being so responsible.