Well, things just can’t get any better.

Yesterday I found out that my contract, which expires in December, will most likely not be renewed. This could mean that I will be out of a job when I graduate, since my position will be filled by a full-time employee. If things get busier at the office, then I might be asked to come back again. Until then, I might not know. The availability of a full-time position will not be known until next years budgeting comes around, which is usually around March.

This afternoon, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. I didn’t find out any of the details, which is one of the few times that I’m glad of my ignorance. It saddens me that I didn’t get to see her one last time, to show her that I cared about her, the next opportunity being within a months time. Yet she didn’t last the wait, and my chance, twice passing, has been missed. My parents will be attending the ceremonies by flying to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I haven’t cried yet, and I probably won’t.

And apparently, according to some Chinese tradition, the death of a loved one means that one cannot visit any other family members within 49 days of the death. Which means that I won’t be able to go to Hong Kong for Christmas vacation, something which I’ve been looking forward to with unspeakable pleasure. The tradition is not something that I would generally honour, given the circumstances, but since it is important to my other grandmother, I easily, stoically abide by the rules of the funeral ceremony.

I will miss the Christmas lights and spirit, the cooler, more tolerable weather. I will miss my chance to purchase a much needed leather jacket, to buy presents for my friends, to do some much needed relaxation.

But what can I do? Feel sorry for myself? I believe that this is the worst string of news I’ve ever had. There just doesn’t seem to be any act I can accomplish to make this pain go away, except for talking about it. So many things have fallen apart within the last 24 hours, so many things being changed. There just doesn’t seem to be much to live for right now, since I generally tend to simply live day-to-day.

It’s hard for me to understand what I should be thinking or feeling right now. Everything just seems so numb. I guess things have just come so suddenly, and caught me by surprise.

I’m really at a loss for words.

Somehow, I did manage to fall asleep in class today, and it was great. I felt much better the rest of the day.

I’ve been racking my brain over a question on one of my assignments. I haven’t worked this hard on one question the whole term, but I did manage to solve the problem. I eventually had to e-mail my prof to get some help, and she was extremely helpful.

I finally watched through the end of Safe. Parts of it made me very angry. Parts of it made me feel very sick. There was a great lack of emotion in the film. I felt as if it was supposed to come from the audience. When some characters did become emotional, it was very interesting. It’s not really my choice of subject matter, but I found it to be a movie which was well put together.

I’m pleased with the way my story came out on Sunday. I feel that it portrays the situation in a proper manner, which is the most significant part. It always seems as if my best work is accidental, and that I don’t actually have any talent, just some good luck.

My schedule hasn’t been too hectic lately (in fact, it’s been fairly relaxing), but that will change within the week. I have two assignments due in six days time, which I haven’t started yet. I should probably start studying for exams, but that most likely won’t happen anytime soon.

My work has expressed interest in hiring me for a full-time position once I graduate. Most people would be hired for a CS-01 position, but since I’ve been working there already, and I would have a university diploma by then, I would most likely be hired as a CS-02. There’s great difference in annual pay between the two, and a CS-02 has a pay range that’s simply amazing for a new graduate. It’s very close to my goal in terms of salary, something that I believed that I would have to work a few decades to achieve. This makes me happy.

On the other hand, Aaron’s contract won’t be renewed, which sucks because we’ll hardly have any time to see each other otherwise. He just seems to be too busy to do anything with. He’s the type of friend who would want me to tell him about any problems between us, but I’m afraid that this isn’t really his problem. I don’t feel that I have the right to demand so much of his time, since I know that he’s a busy person, with important things to do.

I saw two more of Hayao Miyazaki’s films, called Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind, and Princess Mononoke. I felt that both of them weren’t quite as good as Laputa: Castle in the Sky, but still reflected Miyazaki’s amazing writing and directing ability. Somehow his animations are able to make me feel happy without feeling cheap. Both of the movies feature the music of Joe Hisaishi, whom I feel is a terribly good composer. He truly creates beautiful music which complements both mood and vision.

I need to stop writing for an audience. It feels like I’m not being true to myself, that I can’t say what I want to say. Yet I do, somehow, in some equivocal manner.

The winter is so beautiful. Usually I study better at night, but when it’s winter time, and everything is white, I feel much more motivated during the day. It’s as if God finally realizes that the entire world is shit and covers it with a huge bleached tarp.

I bought Dolly a new toy on the week-end, and she loves it. It’s got a soft ball covered in fur on the end of an elastic string. She’ll try to take the ball where she wants by grabbing it in her jaws, but when the elastic stretches past its limit, the ball will rip out of her mouth and make her go even crazier. She plays with it until she’s tired, then she’ll lay down on the ground below where the ball lies, and just try to bat it with her paws.

I’ve been working on the new layout, and I completely scrapped the metallic idea. Pictures just didn’t seem to fit well in it. I actually have the final design done and created in html format. It allows for a better formatting of content, though it will take me more work. I’m not completely sure if I’m satisfied with it, but it will probably have to do since I generally have little content to work with.

Sometimes I start thinking, and then I realize what a fucking idiot I am, and that thought just sticks in my head. That happened for most of today.

I have to set up two laptops for these high up execs at work. One of them actually made a complaint about me and Aaron to my boss before. It’s hard to work for someone with this kind of history, but somehow I can just grin and bear it. I think that being stoic is something that I’ve learned very well from my childhood. An alarm went off in the building too, and we had to evacuate. My boss asked me if I wanted to get some beer and pizza, but I told him that I had too much work to do. The temptation was almost too great.

I’ve generally been neglecting my eating habits and my sleeping habits, and my schoolwork, even though I half-resolved not to. It’s good to know that no one cares. At least it’s honest. I know that I need much more balance in my life, and I think that it’s something I can achieve. It’s just been so hard with everything going on. Pat thinks that I should take a week off work. After all, it’s the reason why he quit the job in the first place. But he had a high maintenance girlfriend, and I had a negative maintenance one at the time.

There just seems to be so much reason for me to stay awake late at night.

I started fooling around with a new layout, something that can support more content and can better flex my creative muscles. I’ve come up with a metallic look so far, but it’s mostly been fruitless. I need something that I can just keep without having to update, so that this can be effortless.

I’m not sure if I’ll be getting the new Xzibit album. His lyrics seemed to have swayed from his first albums, and they have a more commercial feeling now, ever since Dre started producing his albums.

I got back another failing mid-term, which brings the total to two. I think I’ll be dropping Warcraft 3 until the term is over, because of all the pressure and time involved. It’ll give me time to do some more school work and other possible projects. If I had known that I would be failing that mid-term, I would have gone to a Guttermouth concert the night before, even though I hear their latest album is terrible.

I actually can’t sit through the entire Dirrty video; the girl with the Mexican wrestling mask makes me think of some cheap rip-off of Hewhocannotbenamed.

When Aaron and I talk, it always seems so quixotic. The only difference between us is that he actually believes in it, while I keep a more realistic mindset. I’m not sure what to believe, but I should decide soon, since I have freedom to move back home with John now. Six months is a very short time. I’m not really sure what to think, since everything is up in the air. The main priority would be job opportunities. It would be great to live with John though, since we’ve known each other for so long, and we haven’t been roommates once yet. It would all fit in, since Pita is thinking about moving out in the summer. The problem with my plans with Aaron not working out is that I’d only have myself to blame. Aaron can’t be held responsible for anything.

I have two group projects going, and only one of them is working out. I don’t think some people realize how rude and horrible it is to redo the work of others, simply because it’s not up to the standards of the former. I hope I never do that to someone.