I just found out that I failed my last algorithms mid-term. It just seems like no matter how hard I try, I always end up failing. It seems so worthless, all the effort I put into my schoolwork. Even all my studying for my cryptography exam will all be for naught.

It pisses me the fuck off. I feel so angry just thinking about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of failing three of my five finals.

Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail completely, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It creates a pressure on me to do well, and the pressure works. But this is pressure on a much larger scale, because it could get me kicked out of the program.

It feels as if I need this bigger pressure to get on with my life. I really need some kind of change, some kind of incident to happen that can galvanize the static that seems to be controlling my life.

Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every failure possible; I can take another course to make up for failing cryptography, I can take algorithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my second failure of networking to the dean.

And yet, everything feels so hopeless. I think I just need it to happen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.

So that I can get better.

I feel so damn tired. My fingers aren’t working correctly. They feel like they’re sticking together. The LAN party ended sooner than expected, since everyone was feeling so damn tired. Aaron had to leave early because his ride left early (around 3:00 in the morning) so he got in a few good hours of solid gaming. I ended up leaving around 8:00 am, and I was able to stay awake until 11:00 am. I slept for about six hours until I awoke from a phone call. I’m hoping to stay up for as long as possible, then crash out of my bed so that my system won’t be too fucked.

I’m questioning whether the entire party was worth it, since I think that the two days spent at the LAN and recovering may make the difference in passing and failing my last two finals. The whole thing ended rather unsatisfactorily, due to the untimely departure of four people, so the momentum of the energy died down. No regrets.

I found out that the cabin that Aaron and I were going to rent with some of the guys in January is under new management. They have a new policy that doesn’t allow renting to people under 25. We found another cabin that will be more expensive, but it has an indoor pool, jacuzzi, and full kitchen. It’ll end up costing about $170 alone, but it’s probably worth it, since I’m expected to be too sore to do anything after one day of boarding.

I finally got my Security in Computing exam out of the way. Basically, every line that I read in the textbook was worthless. There were only four long answer questions on the final, and each one was a practical, as opposed to theoretical, question that we never learned. I had to learn how to do all the math right in the exam. At least it was open book. For some reason I started getting fucked up answers when trying to find the modulus with my calculator. Calculating the modulus of anything about 10^100 results in inaccuracy, I’m guessing. At first I thought it was my calculator giving me some odd values that didn’t correspond with my written ones. When I got home, I checked Pita’s calculator, and got the same answer. Then I checked the built-in calculator on my computer, and it came to the same answer as what I did by hand. So now I have no idea if any of my values are completely fucked. Whether I pass or fail depends completely on how lenient the giving of part marks is. I’m slightly worried, something that doesn’t usually happen when I finish with a course.

I traded in two games, and used two EB gift certificates yesterday, to pick up The Legend of Zelda for my GBA. It ended up costing me $2.50.

I’m getting all psyched up for the LAN party tomorrow. The attendance is supposed to be around 10 people, but Thom’s processor fried yesterday, so he might not be able to go.

It’s very hard for me to get someone out of my mind, once they are there. I have some very odd ideas. My mind starts to wonder.

I wish it was something that I could control better. It’s quite an embarrassing affliction. If anyone really knew what I was thinking, I don’t think they’d understand. I always use my imagination to fill in the blanks, and it ends up driving me nuts. It feels as if I need to imagine, in order to give myself hope, that my faith in humanity can be renewed. I end up being frustrated at myself, and jittery.

Something which only music can cure.

I went for some phở with Iain, Pat, Jason, and Mike on the week-end. I had a fucking great time. Mike is a great person to hang out with. I had Chinese BBQ pork with my noodles though, so I’m not sure if it can be classified as authentic phở.

I met Thom, Mel, Ryan, and Mel on the week-end. I’m still trying to figure out what I’ve done to deserve the company of such a great group of friends.

Thom is a good person to talk to. It turns out that we share the same interest and embarrasement in solo photography. We’ve agreed to go together some night. He’s given me some Slash’s Snakepit, Theatre Of Tragedy (which features some nice female vocals), Paradise Lost, and Tiamat music to sort through.

Aaron was also able to provide me with some Aphex Twin, Hooverphonic, Lamb, Morcheeba, Omni Trio, Supreme Beings of Leisure, St. Germain, Unkle, and Thievery Corporation to listen to. He accepted my MD player as a gift, but I made sure that he was comfortable with it.

It turns out that Ryan and I share some classes together too. He knows me as the person who plays GBA in class all day, and who gets dirty looks from the teacher as a result. I feel terribly bad knowing this. I always believed that my playing was unknown to those around me. I feel as if I’ve insulted some teachers who don’t deserve to be insulted. Of course, the majority of them deserve to have me playing in their faces at the front of the class with the sound cranked, but there are a few that I feel don’t deserve this. I’m still unrepentant about most of the situation though, since my game playing actually aids my concentration.

I went Christmas shopping with Aaron, Thom, and Mel on the weekend. An old lady told me that I looked like Sean Lennon. I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing. I found some great candles at the Body Shop with a scent called Snow. It’s a very neutral smelling scent that’s very inoffensive which I’ve been burning all day to aid in my studying.