I came home yesterday with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.

My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn’t understand how someone could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt violated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.

I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be devastating. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being outside too much after her first time. That was a big decision for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.

The most important point is that Dolly had her first walk without me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first person to let her outside.

I stood in my room for ten minutes in disbelief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how someone could do such a thing, to walk into my home and violate my feelings in such a way. I put on my headphones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shaking my head. This was the most offensive thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.

When the realization that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depression, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in disbelief. I cried for a good while, something I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their fluids and the walls were starting to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old familiar swollen feeling, and I was exhausted. I showered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.

The whole situation has made me more fully understand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appreciated her before, but I never realized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.

It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a balance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing generally spawns a good thing, such as murder helping to control overpopulation, or genocide leading to beautiful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.

I just can’t see the good in this situation. I can’t see how this can be anything but bad. I haven’t learned anything from this, one of the only possible justifications for it happening, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.

Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.

I’ve been getting a decent amount of work done lately. I’m pretty much finished my graphics project, a week ahead of schedule, and it looks pretty sweet. I haven’t had enough progress on my honours project yet, since my supervisor isn’t very good at giving directions. I’m pretty worried about my presentation for it next week. It’s supposed to be 15–20 minutes long, and I feel like I only have 10 minutes worth of material, but more importantly, that I’ve exhausted all aspects of the subject. The essay is supposed to be 20 pages single spaced, but I can’t see that happening with the amount of information out there on Rubik’s cubes.

The Wind Waker comes out tommorow at 9:30 am, and I’ll be picking it up before meeting with my supervisor tomorrow. I’ll be trying it out for the first time in the presence of Trolley and Wheaties, and possibly Aaron and Dina, during the night. We’ll be picking up some alcohol, and I’ll be staying the night there. Trolley has a car, so he’ll be able to pick me up, and drive Dolores to his place as well. It will be interesting to see how she and Nala will interact with each other.

It’s break-up fucking season.

I feel…alone. I wish I could speak to someone who could understand. I wish I could express my feelings the way I wish. What a perfect time to write.

I’ve been working on my graphics project all day. I have almost everything done now, with the cells co-ordinating their movements in a 3D Game of Life dance. They grow and shrink as the rules dictate, and although I have some bugs to iron out, and some bells and whistles to add, it shouldn’t take too long.

My cryptography presentation went alright. We didn’t quite formally rehearse, so I spoke for 15 out of the 20 minutes allocated to us, when three of us had speaking to do. We were fairly rushed at the end, but I think that we got our points through well. I felt that I did a great job at opening the presentations, and at explaining my part. Mike, Pat, Iain, and I went to get loaded before the presentation, but unfortunately, the shock of the situation sobered me up rather efficiently. After all, it was the first presentation I’ve had to do through all of university.

I feel better after playing a few games with Darren. Somehow we made it under the 300th mark, with a 55–7 record at level 14. I believe the height of my addiction was most evident when I was watching a movie where a man gets trapped in a bathroom by some triad members, and the first thing that I thought of was the item box, and town portaling to a safe location.

I might going to the Dominican Republic when school ends.

I’ve listened to some of the Tool songs off of the strings tribute album, and they’re not very good. The strings are greatly lacking in energy, and sometimes bare little resemblance to the songs they’re paying homage to. One can tell that the composer is inspired by Tool composings, but the instrumentalists are insipid in their performance.

The Honest Lawyer yesterday was relaxing and frustrating at the same time. I never I had a chance to really savour the fries this time though, since I felt so guilty about munching on Wheaties’ last time. All in all though, I think I’d rather not have gone.

I’ve always thought that Beth Gibbons had an amazingly attractive quality to her, not only from the distinctive timbre of her voice, but also from the grace and gentleness of her figure captured in her photographs. I’m trying out some of her latest side-project work with Rustin Man, and so far the sound has been amusingly unique, a mix of acoustic guitar with bittersweet melodies.

I’ve been rather restless the last few days. I can’t seem to concentrate, or do anything productive. I think it’s the fact that I’m so oddly moodless, that I don’t feel like doing anything in particular.

I feel…dirty. I’m unsatisfied with my XP theme, and I won’t have time to polish it until the summer. Whenever I try a new theme, it’s either not simple and clean enough, or it’s too bright. I’m using the nxPro theme right now, with Y’z Dock to replace my shortcut icons, which is the sweet MacOS toolbar for Windows XP, complete with transparency and 32-bit icon support.

I actually forgot about a geo class I had earlier this week. That worries me, because I’ve never forgotten a class before, even through high school. Usually when I skip something, I’m very conscious of my skipping it. This is one of the classes that I can’t skip anyway though, so I’m a little worried. Maybe it’s a sign of my getting older. I’ve always found myself to be very “conscious” of things, and I almost never forgot about anything. I remember my dad telling me how sometimes he would peel an orange, and then throw the orange in the garbage and start to nibble on the peel by mistake. Scary.

A bunch of people are going out to the Honest Lawyer tomorrow to celebrate Aaron’s and Iain’s birthday. I have a cryptography presentation tomorrow as well, which might conflict with the time everyone is meeting to have some dinner. I’ll probably present my subject (I think I’m second out of four) and just leave. I’m supposed to stay for other presentations for peer evaluation, but hopefully my other group members will cover for me.