Monthly Archives: April 2013

sprung

I’m rid­ing on so much momen­tum it feels like I’ll never come to a stop. This is a dras­tic change from only a short while ago, and I can attribute it mostly to the chances I’ve had to apply the lessons I’ve learned. Being able to prove to myself that I still have things to dis­cover, that I’m still refin­ing myself as a per­son, has left me feel­ing con­fi­dent and hum­ble lately.

420 protest on Parliament Hill

April 20th is the one day I wish I owned a BeaverTails stand. Protesting doesn’t get any more peace­ful than this.

Making peace with myself used to be a strug­gle. Now that I’m actu­ally happy with who I am, I real­ize how low a bar that used to be. I’ve been through stretches like this before though and they’ve never lasted, so I’m still approach­ing it all with cau­tious opti­mism. At least now I’m wise enough to know that hap­pi­ness is some­thing that needs to be worked at con­sis­tently, in the lit­tle ways, and I’m strong enough to keep it going.

Jon-Kabat Zinn has been help­ing me on this path too. I’ve been lis­ten­ing to a series of his mind­ful med­i­ta­tion exer­cises, and I carry a sense of calm through the day when­ever I hear his voice. Every now and then he offers gen­tle advice on doing this kind of work, like how impor­tant it is to give your­self per­mis­sion to feel what­ever it is you’re feel­ing, and I’ve been dis­cov­er­ing that so much of it has rel­e­vance in other parts of my life.

the distances we travel and yet how far we've still to sail

It’s all a bit of a blur now, espe­cially since we agree it feels like it’s been a year since my respon­si­bil­i­ties as a son and a cousin and a friend in Toronto. I do remem­ber try­ing to bal­ance the caf­feine — so I could be clear-headed and enjoy­ing myself — with the insom­nia that comes from hav­ing so much energy every night. Also, these acts of guer­rilla hap­pi­ness where mes­sages of hope were expressed through posters and spray paint. It would appear that van­dal­ism crosses over into art only in cities with a sky­line worth mentioning.

We ended up at the Ontario Science Centre twice, once as nerds and again as wed­ding guests, which worked out cause the only exhibit we didn’t get a chance to see one day ended up being the only exhibit open to us dur­ing the recep­tion. The high­light is always the plan­e­tar­ium though, in all it’s bean-bag, time-traveling glory, the expe­ri­ence itself worth the price of admis­sion. With the excep­tion of a poor fac­sim­ile of dragon’s beard candy, every­thing worked out.

Continue read­ing “the dis­tances we travel and yet how far we’ve still to sail”…

libre

It’s good to have some­thing to write about again. To have friends who are com­fort­ing and kind in my most sen­si­tive moments, and just as impor­tantly, things to con­fide in them. Good hair days. Reasons to wear some­thing nice. Dreams with­out desire. Feelings with­out fear.

Hotel Nacional de Cuba tiles

 

I never real­ized how much I needed a get away until I came home and got more done in a week than in the month before I left. Without a gui­tar or a work­load or an inter­net con­nec­tion or a rou­tine or any of my decks, detach­ing from life as I knew it was a sim­ple mat­ter. Maybe that’s why it felt like I was gone for so long, even though time passed so quickly. The only real con­sid­er­a­tion I ever had was how I’d like to spend each par­tic­u­lar moment, and pre­sented with that kind of free­dom, I learned to truly let go of every­thing else.

This is a picture I didn't take

Of you, arms up and chest out, body crash­ing against the surf. Top pulled back into place with each wave, bot­toms adjusted as needed. A splash of rain on a flower soon to burgeon.

In that instance I became aware of what was hap­pen­ing in myself. I could look at it clearly, and saw it as it was because it was already there, part of my expe­ri­ence in that moment, for bet­ter or for worse. I allowed myself to be exactly as I was with­out fear or shame. Detached yet present. Mindful to how I’ve longed to feel this for some­one again, and how I’ve never fully sur­ren­dered myself to it until now. A rea­son for the lyrics in the awk­ward smiles, the molto crescendo in every inci­den­tal touch.

This is a pic­ture I didn’t take of you, a mem­ory from which I can’t seem to look away. A moment I carry with me to remind myself that I can love again.

Catan Catan Strip-Catan

We’ve started mak­ing wagers in our mul­ti­player Magic games, small baubles or other people’s prop­erty or an half-hour of labour1 to add another dimen­sion to the game­play. For a par­tic­u­lar three-way match, I anted my atten­dance at Catan Catan Strip-Catan cause I couldn’t make up my mind on going. Another busy week meant I was tired of being social — with the pos­si­bil­ity of being naked in such a sit­u­a­tion, no less — but it still sounded like a night that shouldn’t be passed up.

Settlers of Strip Catan

Socks are usu­ally the first to go, but the pair counts as one point. And Brandon isn’t play­ing, he’s just half-naked for rea­sons.

Tiana and Shawn teamed up on me, since they wanted me to go more than they wanted to win what I had offered. However, they’ve also been mak­ing me feel com­fort­able with myself lately (the cud­dles always help), so I was okay with being tackle-out at some point dur­ing the party. I ended up win­ning all my Catan matches any­way, and never needed to take off more than an accoutrement.

  1. Great when you need the dishes done after a party, but I’m more likely to take a mas­sage. []