There’s something wrong with your awards institution when there’s more news coverage about hosting than the awards themselves. #Oscars2012
2 months, 2 weeks ago
don't let the past remind us of what we are not now
6
It’s been another crazy week. Between the appointments and the hangouts, I haven’t had a night to myself.
One thing I wish I had more time to appreciate is the weather. The most recent blizzard draped the city in snow wet and heavy, and all I want to do now is go out and shoot with a nice piece of glass that goes wider than f/2.8. I keep promising myself I’ll do it next snowfall, but life always seems to get in the way.
The overstimulation has left me with my guard down, and I’m stuck in my memories again. Left remembering old conversations, nights lost to the senses, and my regret at not mentioning how much I liked those nails done up in white and nude.
It’s not my fault. Honest. I get pulled into it in the most innocent ways. That song will come over the tinny speakers in the produce department when I’m picking out tomatoes. Or I’ll be on the 12 home, going through random songs in my collection to try out my new monitors, when I catch someone sharing what I always saved for us.
I’m starting to understand how helpless I am to change the past, but at the very least, I can change myself. And that’s often good enough nowadays.
Little Critters is closed…now where am I going to spend my time gazing longingly at adoptable kittens?
2 months, 3 weeks ago
Turns out I’m nomophobic.
2 months, 3 weeks ago
Sometimes I hate the word love
cause you speak of it like it’s the answer, when you define yourself by your singledom. It’s a status you try to wear proudly, but how much you talk about your ideal mate only reveals how much you hate being alone.
What you’re looking for is hard to find. That’s your excuse. But your “high standards” are defined by the most petty things, and all those petty things keep holding you back, a hypocrisy that makes you the victim. That’s why your life is filled with part 1s and never any part 2s. Then you talk as if we should be shocked that you’re single, vulnerable, and lonely.
You think love is something one does, instead of something one means. You can see the beauty in a gift, but not the thought behind it. Then you pass off your ideas on love as wisdom and advice, when they’re simply the things you want, cause you don’t have the wisdom to know what you actually need to be in a successful relationship.
It’s the most shallow form of love possible. That’s why I hate the word. Not cause of the way you define it — I don’t judge anyone by their definition of happiness — but because you think it means the same thing I do every time you use it.
And I want to tear it from your throat.
I always hope I’ll accidentally run into you when I’m dressed up.
2 months, 4 weeks ago
32 open pages in Chrome uses the same amount of RAM as 6 open pages in Firefox. #firefoxfail #switch
2 months, 4 weeks ago
My brain is having trouble reconciling how much I hate Lana del Ray as a concept, and how much I love listening to Video Games.
3 months ago
sine wave
It’s perpetually night in my little nest. A guitar is never more than an arms length away, and two cats are always willing to curl up against my body under the sheets (though never together); some days it feels like these are the only things I need in the world. Perhaps I’m little too comfortable here, where I can watch the snow fall out the window, and seldom have to venture out of my comfort zone.
I’m constantly starting over. Throwing away a page so I can have a blank canvas. Losing another friend to adulthood, then finding new ones in the most unexpected places. Riding the oscillations of a sine wave.
The only thing that’s constant is how much Byron is growing, his paws and tail having surpassed Dolly’s in girth many months ago, and I can’t wait to see how big he’s going to get once he’s fully into adulthood. I relate to my friends only when one of the cats is afflicted with acne or herpes or an upper respiratory infection, and I have to play mother to a kitty who can’t fight the sickness by themselves. Dolly has been especially sensitive lately, and needs a lot more attention and affection, still jealous of the new kitten in the house.
Butt to butt.
Lisa keeps me sane nowadays, a role she’s partially taken over from John ever since he became a dad. She’s the voice of female reason in my life, the only excuse I use to watch great movies now, and the one who talks me down from drunken e-mails to ex-girlfriends. But sometimes I need more than half a Lisa and half a John, cause not everything can be solved by a stolen conversation or burying your face in a cat’s belly.
I’m learning that life goes on, whether you’re ready or not. You can only control so much. This realization is the reason I don’t worry about the future anymore, even when it feels like I should be worried.
I’ve also discovered that my writer’s block hasn’t been due to a lack of things to talk about, but the fact that nothing I write is satisfying anymore. I’ve lost my reason. The only thing I’ve fallen in love with lately has been my set of extra-light chrome flatwound strings, cause they have such a crisp sound off the nail, but maintain a warm, austere overtone.
I used to go to bed and dream, but nowadays, my mind is empty. I don’t know what to make of it all anymore. Can’t figure out if I’m standing on a crest or trough.
Holy crap, 40 people were at my dad’s surprise party that I couldn’t make it to. I don’t think I even know that many people.
3 months ago
My new requirement for kitty toys is now things that don’t fit under the couch.
3 months ago
moments between cities
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The drive home is always easier. Not because I’m leaving, but because it’s when I can catch my breath after some relentless debauchery I excuse as being for a special occasion.
I’m at an age where my body will feel this over the next two days, spent recovering physically and emotionally. Luckily, exhaustion numbs the senses, and makes the time pass quicker on those long stretches where distance is measured in hours.
Cousins, British humour, heartbreak, shots, gluttony, rumble strips, but never enough time.
The 401 is the kind of highway that Springsteen used to write about on his heartland folk albums, the only ones I ever liked. The songs were never about a road itself, but about all the lust and hate and change that happened between two people when they travelled along that road.
In the same way, driving the 401 has always been when I have a chance to find myself. It often leaves me feeling like a different person when I get to where I’m going.
My new favourite use of Wu Wei: http://t.co/xbvf0lWa
3 months, 1 week ago
wrapped in chords
Context. It’s 19°C in the house. I keep an electric heating pad under my hoodie, the guitar is slung around my body, and my headphones are connected to the computer. I’m wrapped in chords, with a winter scene perpetually outside my window.
I know this won’t last forever, so I’m indulging in these little rituals. Trying to enjoy all the little things I started taking for granted, like car rides at night when the roads are clear and the car is warm. I’ve lost myself in the shuffle. I know I need to recentre myself, but I’m waiting for things to settle down first.
There’s so much I don’t say to my friends. Not because I don’t trust them, but because my news never feels important enough to bring up. It’s stuff they stopped talking about years ago, cause they’ve moved on from this part of their lives. Well I’m still here, hoping everything’s going to work out in the end.
Martial Coup: Put X 1/1 white Soldier creature tokens onto the battlefield. If X is 5 or more, destroy all other creatures, and win a box, a booster, a pack of nice lands.
I realized that I don’t spend that much time with my core group anymore, but I do hang out with a revolving group of friends. It seems like there’s always another person to catch up with, another meal to share, another night of gaming with the guys. It’s keeping me occupied, for which I’m thankful lately.
Otherwise, I’ve been thinking a little bit about the past and a lot about the future. Trying to picture where I’m going to end up, but it’s never something I can figure out.