Yearly Archives: 2010

Dead Cells

I’m get­ting a hair­cut today. I tend to look a great deal frumpi­er when a month has passed, which is also around the time my hair starts to piss me off, in a “WHY WON’T YOU STAY LIKE THAT?! NO, LIKE THAT. AAAAARGGGHHGH” kind of way.

My last one was on Christmas Eve, in the mid­dle of a rushed hol­i­day sched­ule, and I remem­ber exact­ly the frame of mind I had when I went for that hair­cut. It feels like I’ve been through so much since then; emo­tion­al changes, per­son­al epipha­nies, and life expe­ri­enced. It’s only been a lit­tle over a month.

Sometimes, I won­der if it would be scary to be my friend or lover, because of how much trans­for­ma­tion I can go through in short peri­ods of time. Julie once said I had changed a lot in the year that I knew her at the time. I want­ed her to quan­ti­fy that for me, but I did­n’t, hop­ing it was gen­er­al­ly for the bet­ter.

I can only hope it’s always an improve­ment.

Things are changing, day by day

Edit: Wow, I found an old pho­to I took in 2004 of the CD in Trolley’s CD play­er.

Thumbnail: Float On

Modest Mouse used to be the best kept indie rock secret. Then they let Gravity Rides Everything be used in a Nissan com­mer­cial. Then they did Saturday Night Live. Then they did The O.C. (Really, Modest Mouse? REALLY?). Then they appeared on Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour, and now I won­der if they were just sell­outs doing it for the mon­ey to begin with.

But before all that hap­pened, or per­haps as it hap­pened, they came out with Float On.

This was the song of 2004. It defined the year for me. I was pick­ing myself up off the floor after a tor­rid rela­tion­ship, and set­tling down alone, find­ing my own lit­tle bit of peace.

That was six years ago, and I’m back there again. I had an odd moment of seren­i­ty as I left the stair­case to the Tai Chi stu­dio tonight, and walked into the frigid, calm air. Sort of like I had no hope, but that did­n’t mat­ter because I did­n’t need hope; I had my hands, my sens­es, my wits, and my cam­era, and that was good enough.

I’m sure the fact that I’ve start­ing work­ing from home four days out of the week has some­thing to do with it. I can work on projects with my music loud, and my pjs on. I don’t get inter­rupt­ed, so my pro­duc­tiv­i­ty is great.

Okay, so I’ve been avoid­ing any movies or TV shows with dat­ing or romance. I’m stick­ing strict­ly to Babylon 5 and The Sopranos. It’s been work­ing, because I’ve been feel­ing bet­ter about myself and my cur­rent sit­u­a­tion. Thinking: “Maybe I’m a nice secret right now”.

Lover/Dreamer

(+5 bonus points if you get the album ref­er­ence.)

Thumbnail: Heart in the window

I real­ly do have love to give! I just don’t know where to put it!

—Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, Magnolia

Okay, I’ll admit it.

I need to love. I need it, the way I need to eat.

This is the same part of me that notices the faint out­lines of hearts drawn in car win­dows. Also, the same part that mar­vels about that ado­les­cent point in life, when one would draw some­thing so sim­ple and insignif­i­cant because the only wor­ry was whether or not some­one liked you back.

So when I don’t have some­one to love, it fuck­ing kills me.