It’s been an emotional time. I’m in anti-social mode, but I force myself to get out when the opportunity comes along.
One day, we hit up a diner around noon. I wore my flip-flops, and cruised west with the wind numbing my skin. My stereo gets louder as I accelerate, and it only made me drive as fast as I could to see how loud I could push Wild Gardens. For a moment, it filled me with serene bliss, and that was enough, among the steel and pavement and summer heat in spring, to give me hope.
It’s that feeling I’ve been craving. To be the only living boy in New York.
Audra tells me I smell nice when I haven’t left the house for days. Gives me the breath-stealing hugs. And the fact that she’s so sensitive about crossing my boundaries makes her the sweetest redhead I know. It’s hard not to believe in myself when she believes in me so well.
I find it funny that I have exactly the same lifestyle now as I did five years ago, with the only difference being Tai Chi substituting for table tennis. It’s almost like I’ve regressed to the time I was still living in an apartment with two roommates, and had a brand new career.
Am I happier? Not really1. But I’m not sadder either. I can only say that I feel like I’m a better person. Stronger, wiser, and at a better place in life. I can’t ask for more.
Every fresh flower is a reminder. I suppose she became a habit and I’m still going through withdrawal, a symptom that manifests itself as such tremendous longing.
It’s for this reason that I’ve been avoiding romantic movies. I watched Adventureland, and I really shouldn’t have. It’s this Hollywood hope that makes it hard, because you can’t help but see yourself in every situation and wonder why it didn’t work out for you. Maybe I’m just too cynical now, and the cynicism ruins every happy ending, because I can’t believe in them anymore.
People still ask me how she’s doing, still tell me I’m good with her. So much for resolution. So much for leaving the past behind. But as the book says, we may be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with us.
For Easter, I had a some home-cooked, maple-baked ham, and some brilliant conversation over dinner. In one night, all these little bits of life came together that I don’t get to experience often; bachelorhood isn’t conducive to big meals and family gatherings. I take in as much as I can, because I never know when these moments will come again.
- Admittedly, that was a pretty happy time in my life. [↩]