I generally don’t talk about suicide. I don’t discuss my battle with anyone, aside from close friends, because it makes most people uneasy. I never used to understand that because it didn’t scare me. Suicide is a choice — a conscious decision — and a conscious decision can’t be scary. But more recently, I found myself feeling overwhelmed, then afraid I would make a really big mistake.
That fear has kept me alive. Admittedly, I’m still trying to understand these thoughts in myself.
There have been a few high profile suicides in the news lately. When making a statement about his son’s death, Walter Koenig said “If you’re one of those people and you feel you can’t handle it anymore, you know, if you can learn anything from this, it’s that there’s people out there who really care.” Then his wife added, “All the people up here, from the police to his friends, have shown love which he didn’t realize was available to him.”
Their words show a very common fundamental misunderstanding about the reasons someone has for taking their own life.
You think love can fix us? You think it matters that you care?
The very nature of suicide is that a suicidal person doesn’t believe there’s any hope. If we felt like there was somewhere to turn, someone who could help1, that would imply there was hope. And if there was hope, they probably wouldn’t commit suicide.
We know you care, and we appreciate it when you tell us. We know how lucky we are to have the friends we do. But none of that helps. Suicide doesn’t necessarily result from a lack of external love. It can come from a lack of internal love, when we hate ourselves, or because our thoughts or problems seem too difficult to bear.
Sometimes I get advice about how to fix the issue, almost always from people who have never been suicidal. They think it’s a simple problem, and that we can just stop thinking about it and it’ll go away. Or we just need to find a hobby to distract us. Or find a passion to give us a reason to live. They don’t understand that suicidal thoughts are like a phobia — an irrational fear. You can’t easily fix irrational thoughts. They’re irrational because they don’t follow logic. Otherwise, you’d be able to cure someone’s arachnophobia simply by explaining to them, “Spiders are small and most can’t hurt you”. A person with arachnophobia knows that fact, and understands it perfectly, but put a spider next to them and they’ll be filled with uncontrollable anxiety.
Relate that back to suicidal thoughts: trying to rationalize things to a suicidal person by saying, “You have so much to live for”, is just as ineffective. Someone may have a rewarding career, a wonderful family, and good health, but none of that permeates the mind when suffering from a mental issue. The depression is irrational, and suicide isn’t the easy way out, it becomes the only way out.
From my own personal experience, the worst things you can do when handling a suicidal person are:
- worrying or getting uncomfortable — it puts pressure on us and makes us feel worse
- getting angry — it only makes us withdraw more and communicate less, and communication is one of the few outlets we have left
- telling them it would be a selfish decision — when someone is ready to kill themselves, they really don’t care and making them feel guilty is not the answer
The best things you can do for them are:
- giving them space — we need to handle things on our own terms and at our own pace, not yours, and the last thing we want is to feel like we’re inconveniencing you
- showing that you care, not just telling them — random flowers, text messages, hugs, poems (but back off if you’re told that you’re smothering)
- understanding that getting better is a long-term process, and not always permanent — we rely on your patience and understanding to get through it, and there may be regressions
- never, never, never turning down a chance to talk or hang out if they ask you — nothing makes us sink deeper in our fragile states than to feel like we aren’t important enough (we wouldn’t ask if we didn’t need to)
By no means am I suicidal right now, but yesterday I considered, and came as close to it as I’ve ever been. That was enough to scare me into the realization that I need help. Perhaps I’m fortunate enough to say that I understand how irrational these feelings are, and I know that I need to discipline, practice, effort, and systematic observation to fix myself.
- Which is very different from someone who wants to help. [↑]
The one thing I get from people is that they want to force their own reality upon me without understanding how mine works or even what I want. Too many people I have lost as friends or even confidantes because they just refuse to understand or accept what I’m going through.
I wish though that there would be someone who would just hang out with me because I invited them to. But it’s the story of my life to always be turned down or ignored. If it wasn’t for work, I would really go over the deep end. Even so, some days I feel that it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
I find losing a friend to something like that to be especially devastating, because that’s when you need them most.
But we do, it’s a negative feedback of a spiral. The more depressed we get, the less likely people are to be around us (in my experience). And people wonder why some of us go over the end and give in.
We can be as strong as we want to in dealing with it, but we all have limits. We all can break.
The sad thing is, having had friends who committed suicide, its a question people keep asking themselves and always missing the point or the answer.
That’s why I try to hide my depression. No one wants to be around someone like that.
To be honest, I have no idea what my limit is. I can’t tell whether I just have a high limit and strong depression, or a low limit and light depression.
With all due respect, it troubles me to see such a detailed discussion of suicide which completely omits a discussion of the reality that depression is not ‘irrational’, it is a mental illness, and people who are mentally ill cannot “handle things on their own terms and at their own pace”, and the idea that it can be overcome through internalizing “discipline, practice, effort, and systematic observation”” is naive and dangerous.
You don’t give someone who’s suicidal space. You help them get help. I say this from a position of personal experience, crisis training, and having gone to too many funerals.
I think we may be viewing this from two different angles, especially since “mental illness” is such a broad ranging term, from sleep disorders to substance abuse to autism.
Suicide can have many causes, and mine are based on mood disorders. You might be talking of personality disorders or schizophrenia. I firmly believe I can fix myself (with a little guidance from a therapist) by doing things like thought records and following well-outlined and researched guides, because my problems are psychological. And I would definitely feel that these steps would be completely inappropriate for someone with a personality disorder or schizophrenia, because medical/pathopsychological disorders generally have to be cured using different methods. Hence your advice would be completely valid. In terms of depression, it can be caused by post traumatic stress disorder (psychological) or chemical imbalances (medical), so I don’t think we’re disagreeing with each other here.
I can only speak from my own experience, and my advice was regarding people who suffer from psychological disorders like me. Even then, there are probably sub-causes and sub-types. Now that I read back on what I wrote, I admit it does sound as if I was speaking on behalf of all suicidal types, which I shouldn’t have done. Thanks for pointing that out.
I may be generalising here but this is from my own experience as both someone who has gone through a suicide and someone who has had close people kill themselves.
The thing with all suicides is that none of us really wants to die. We want to live, and we want to live free of the burdens that weigh upon us. For the most part, especially for those who have gone for therapy or some form of help, we’re aware of our own problems. That awareness drives us to do something about it, but not many people has the strength to see it through, especially when it hits us really hard.
That’s when we really need someone, not just someone who’s willing to be there, but someone who isn’t going to panic and start blowing the matter up or forcing their opinions upon themselves. That kind of negative reinforcement pushes people over the edge.
I get what Jeff meant by space, but in terms of a mental time out rather than a physical one. It helps a lot for me in my dark moments to have someone be in a room, even when we don’t say anything and just share a moment together, rather than them trying to “console” me out of my turmoil.
You hit the nail on the head. That’s why I call it a struggle. I desperately want to live, and it’s that desperation that drives me to fix myself. If I didn’t understand my issues, I’d definitely need more help, but I feel like if I’m strong and smart enough to recognize my problems, so I’ll be strong and smart enough to overcome them too.
You understand exactly what I mean by needing space. It’s as if we feel guilty for making other people worried or scared or angry with our suicidal thoughts. It’s a perfectly natural reaction on their part, so we blame ourselves and feel guilty. Sometimes, we’d just rather not deal with all that.
We’re both exactly the same suicidal “type” I was writing about in this entry.
jeff im here for you man trust me it wasent too long ago i was on the edge of the same blade so if u want to talk anything AND I MEAN ANYTHING OUT you let me know k
Thanks Rob.
Sometimes I think people are threatened by talk of suicide for 2 big reasons — because everyone’s at or been at that line — and because there’s this conventional thinking that says there’s a long pattern that can be averted with intervention and consequently the blame for suicide is on the shoulders of those around who were not vigilant enough.
it seems to mean that those who are stuck with brain chem on depressed aren’t the ones to watch. people can rumble along stable like that for decades. the ones who don’t talk and “aren’t expected” are more of a tippy boat. people who sustain struggle are more self-aware and have strategies in place so look higher risk but may be lower.
Very astute observations.
I think you’re dead right about people being threatened by suicide. And my self-awareness is definitely what’s getting me through this, because when I can recognize a problem, I know there’s a solution too.
I found out today that an ex-coworker of my has just been diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer — she is 40 … has a 4 year old daughter and a very caring husband who unfortunately has health issues stemming from kidney failure and for the past few years — transplant.
I live by these thoughts: No matter how many people love you and care, how nice your personal possessions are, how much you love your pets … how much you love your work — it all means nothing .. if we do not have our health. Without a healthy body — AND MIND — we cannot appreciate all of these blessings. There are so many people who truly have nothing.
I too went through a very difficult time in my life, where for about a year, I thought the chronic and excruciating pain in my back — caused by two slipped disks — would never end. I was hopeless and thought many times about ending it — for good.
I didn’t. I would be dust right now if I had. Would not have had all the love of the past 5 years …
Well I have a few things to add or bring up. this is by far the best article i’ve ever read about suicide that matches with some of the things I have.
I have had a great child hood. Nothing wrong with me. I am physically fit. the only medical thing I can think of i sthat i wear glasses but so do a massive percentage of americans. I have a decent job for someone who is still in college. I get good grades. hell i was even president of the frigging SGA of my college. In fact it was during those times that I felt like i would snap at any second.
I have the depressive disorder suppsosidly but my medication didn’t help really. Nothing helped. I had a sever case of Apathy. I can’t really understand why anyone really just likes life. That claim itself seems to be the irrational one. For what reason other than our own instinct to exist is there to really like life? Still don’t have an answer. I just fell in love with a girl is the only reason i don’t consider it every day.
Now back then before her I felt very much like I was just waiting. Waiting for the time that something would happen to set me off and bam i would be done. I didn’t much care that my parents or siblings would have been sad. I wouldn’t be here anymore to care.
I never todl anyone because when i told my mother she turned it around and bitched me out really hard saying that it was the most selfish thing i could do. And how dare i ever even thinking about doing such a bad thing to HER of all people. So I kept it to myself. and then things happened with friends and SGA and I felt like not only killing myself but anyone else that was within my range of destructive capablity.
They are really lucky that nothing truly bad happened. Because thing would have. almost did with the mild problems.
I suffer very much from an apathetic way of looking at life. Still to what extent should we even care about life? really why? just the momentary bit before we die. thats all. so why stick out the extra few years? is there something magical and awesome about life? i have yet to see it.
Again i’m not suicidal right now because of my grilfriend whom i love. i just konw that when she dies then i’m done. its just the temporary love and feelings i get from her that stops me from ending it right now.
Thank you all. I agree with much of this, and have had troubling thoughts myself, but no one seems to get it…all they say, is “your life is perfect”, and as much as I know they care, they sometimes get tired of me. Actually, part of it is they are frustrated that they feel they cant do anything. This page is well articulated and might help me explain stuff to my friend.
I know you posted this over 18 months ago but I find myself reading it every few months because it is so true. I too was once suicidal. It was a very bad point in my life. Everything you said here is so true. There is little that those who are not in that mindset can understand. No amount of quick fixes work. Rereading this post helps me see that again I am not alone in my thoughts or feelings.
Thankfully I have a supportive wife and have taken the time to see what I really have. Does that mean I never think about suicide? Of course not, but I do know there are alternatives.
You hit it right on the head with communication. That is what is most important, especially when feeling low.
I found your blog through StumbleUpon a few years ago and have to say I was hooked ever since. Your style and openness are refreshing to read. Keep up the good work.