Your friends keep telling you you’ll do better. That you deserve someone who appreciates you, and won’t toy with your feelings. Their words have been keeping together the pieces of your mended heart.
But sometimes, you lose sight of that. Fairness, justice, pride, propriety. All of that goes out the window in a moment of weakness, when you’re sleeping on the couch, and the memory fades in of a time when she was lying where you are now with her hands on her arms to shield her from the cold, and you opened your hoodie to wrap it around her body, the two of your squeezed together in one piece of clothing. Or when you think of something that would be perfect for her, and wonder why you can’t just leave it on her doorstep. These moments of bliss you don’t want to forget, these habits of love proven so hard to break.
So you read her last words over and over again, to remind yourself it wasn’t your feelings that were holding things back. Maybe you can convince yourself of what everyone else seems to know.
Still, there are times when the memories override your logic and overwhelm your reason. It makes you question both her actions and yours, when you know it doesn’t make sense to contact her because nothing has changed, and nothing ever will. You’re the only one in the world who doesn’t seem to understand.
Love conquers all, whether you want it to or not.
These entries make my “fairytale love” heart sad. You have more endurance than I do…I would have called her/him.…I would have fought until making myself look silly if I loved this person the way you obviously love this girl. You did something most people can’t do, see the end when/if its there. (Focus on the if, not the when)
The thing is, I already did everything, probably beyond the point of looking silly. Nothing worked. It makes my actual heart sad.
Im sorry, i guess my comment made it sound like i was assuming you hadn’t, and I wasn’t. I am sure you did. I am sorry it didn’t work out and I could use all the cliche terms like, there are other fish in the sea, you will find the one for you, etc. but I am sure you have heard every cliche term up to this point, so I will spare you. I will say this, you said “nothing worked”.…love should not be a thing of exhausting all of your efforts. It should be about finding a satisfying and acceptable level of compromise for both people where its easy to share your feelings, completely. I don’t know you but you appear to be a person willing to give all of who you are to someone and i know its hard when you find that person and they can’t yet do the same but there will be a girl that will honor that about you and will find it easy to give all of herself to you.
When I read Angela’s post — I felt like I was reading my very own sentiments …
For a relationship to work between two lovers … the love has to be equal. The work both people put into building the bond that keeps the couple together through hardtimes … has to be the same.
There are places where one person has stronger skills or wants — be it someone excells at the domestic aspects — and the other — or both partners excell in professional life — but on an intellecual, spiritual, emotional and sexual level — both parties must be equal and have infinate respect for eachother. ALso, trust.
I used to write … here is some of my blog … what is left online anyways …
http://www.slideshare.net/guest77fd9129/jennifer-blog
If someone would like to take the time to read it .. they’ll find that last year … finding a partner weighed heavy on my mind … and now that I have found such a wonderful and caring man — I feel a lightness in my heart.
I know your heart will find her Jeff.
Your words make sense to me, and I agree with them. I keep telling myself it wasn’t meant to be if I had to try so hard. But this idea also falls into the things that don’t seem to matter at this point. It’s the same with the idea that I’ll find someone better. The voice in my head still screams, “I don’t care, I just want her”. My lingering sense of love is still overpowering the logic. I can only hope that it’ll fade away some day.
Jen, thank you for sharing your old blog. I went through it last night, and I have to admit that the openness inspired me. I used to write like that, but I’ve lost the feeling in the last few years.
You did all that you could and if it doesn’t work, then it wasn’t meant to be. At least you had the opportunity to love someone so deeply, some people don’t even feel that. This is what someone recently told me, and I’m just passing along the message.
That’s true. I do feel very privileged in many ways that I was able to experience the things I did. I can’t even imagine what it’d be like to live without those kinds of feelings.