John asked me, “Why? Why do you write these things and post them, when it clearly shows that you’re not over things?”.
I told him I’d rather post them now than in a year from now, because they have to come out sooner or later. This has always been necessary, even if it’s a little embarrassing at times, and I’ve never cared who reads, and who judges me. It’s my catharsis, my way of dealing with what can’t be changed. Sometimes, people find relief in knowing they’re not alone in having painful emotions, in making mistakes, or experiencing unrequited love. I don’t write for them, but if they can take something away from my words, then it helps me know I’m not alone as well.
I’m old enough to have trouble with the concept of laying your soul out for any web-surfing creep to read [much less for potential employers or your elderly relatives] and still don’t understand what drives the current/younger generations’ fascination with éxpose reality tv and “spilling your guts” in front of cameras for Dr. Phil and a million or so of his close associates and fellow voyeurs.
Have you ever considered that you are trying, on some level, to punish yourself by putting your less flattering emotions out for strangers to read and judge?
Those who know you even a little, like I do, and are fond of you will understand the posts and admire your bravery and honesty; but the human dross of the internet who stumbles across it?
Part of me isn’t sure why I put it all out there. I started writing online back in 1997, so perhaps my current motivation evolved out of my believing that what I had to say was important back then. It’s grown on me like a habit.
In terms of potential employers, one of my rules is to never blog about work. And when it comes to family, well, family isn’t important to me. I’d rather have the freedom to write, and I’m willing to sacrifice the very thin bonds I have with my “family” to say it.
I believe it’s quite the opposite of punishing myself. By putting myself out there, I rob other people of the ability to criticize me, the same way Eminem uses self-deprecation to joke about himself at the end of 8 Mile, thereby robbing his freestyle opponent of any verbal ammunition. At the same time, I find that when I’m strong enough to say these things, it’s what makes me lose the embarrassment. I once heard a quote along the lines of “Be not ashamed of our mistakes, thereby making them crimes”, and I’ve always extended this to emotions. It’s being ashamed of them that makes them faults.
Suffice it to say that even with all of myself that I put out there, the experience has been overwhelmingly positive. There have been a few hate comments every now and then with the obvious purpose of trolling, but there have been so many more people who’ve thanked me, and said that I’ve changed them or inspired them in some way.
To me (also a generation up), words need to come out and be put down as in any journal, just from sheer lack of ability to hold back. I think it gives a sense of breathing space when one is contained so completely by grief.
I also think the generations beneath us wade through so much insincerity and hype and posing (which our generation shunned so resoundingly that we may seem unfamiliar with how it pens one in)that it feels rewarding, heroic, or just blissfully unselfsconcious.
I have to say that I’ve never gotten a sense of any kind of insincerity or posing from certain generations. Or should I say, I find those to be ubiquitous in all generations. I know a lot more people with really really bad blogs in my generation, but I think it’s more of the fact that it’s a phase one gets into when younger and you believe that everything you say is witty and writing about getting drunk every night is cool.
Oh that’s right, you’re not here though. Los Angeles is just… different.
I hear people are very…phony on that coast. Even Billy Connolly talks about it in his bit when he’s live in New York.
I too feel writing about it helps to get a clearer understanding of your own feelings, and serves the purpose of ventilating and sharing. But I prefer anonomity as a safeguard of privacy.
I did note that you found relief in knowing you were not alone in having those emotions, so as to assure that those emotions were the “right” emotions, i.e., you don’t seem to appreciate it when people try to cheer you up. I’m glad you have John.
I find that the question of anonymity is also the same for art. If you create a beautiful painting but don’t show it to anyone, is it art? Even if you paint it for yourself because you have some artistic need, it still doesn’t seem very satisfying unless others can see it. But that’s just my take on koans like this.
You’re completely right that I don’t enjoy it when people try to cheer me up. That’s because I see it as counter-productive. I need to experience my emotions, like a grieving period; that’s how I can speed up the process of getting over something. Not by forgetting about it. Once they’ve run their course, I feel much better.
So we should stop?
I didn’t even realize anyone was trying to cheer me up.
Oh maaaannnn.
this is something that attracted me to your blog the most; the fact you can write whatever you want, when you want and how you want.. without regarding the (emotional) consequences with too much seriousness.
my blogs always started off like this but then my conscience got to me, and i eventually shut them down because i thought too much about what people thought about me/what i was writing. hence my inability to start up a new blog without tossing up the idea of having it either completely password-protected or completely anonymous. hard to write from the heart with the latter (as some people eventually find out who you are) and the former doesn’t really seem that worth it. i know you password protect some of your posts but the fact you leave majority of your posts open to viewers is really cool, and very admirable.
Yeah, there seems to be a lack of satisfaction when it comes to private entries. I can’t seem to figure it out, so I just accept and embrace it.
I password protect my posts when I talk about things that may affect my job, but that’s only about 5% of the time. The other 95% is when I want to protect specific people, because sometimes they can’t handle my words, or it’ll affect my relationship with them in a detrimental way. It’s never because I’m too embarrassed to put it out there.
I suppose it makes the self less precious to not go into denial of thoughts/feelings. it makes a transcript of moving on that could act as a counterpoint to all the times we think, oh no, this will never end. a sort of treasuring the transitory and letting it go and having a record all at the same time.
Avoiding denial is one thing, and having a record is another big one as well. I really enjoying reading old entries, and seeing how different I was, and how far I’ve come as a person.
We all need our outlet, and I think it’s crucial for people to let things out sometimes, even if it’s in the form of a public blog post. Guys tend to keep things bottled in, and I love being able to take a peek at someone’s inner thoughts when they’re willing to share because I can either relate or I can be inspired to listen to my own thoughts. Girls seem to open up to one another so readily sometimes, it’s rare to get that from a guy.
It’s funny that you say guys tend to keep things bottled up. I suspect that the majority of my readers are girls; maybe because guys are also the ones who tend not to care about reading about feelings. I’m glad that anyone, guy or girl, is able to be inspired.
In this day and age, I think guys no longer bottle up their emotions. On the average, it’s just that guys simply don’t have as many emotions as girls to talk about. And guys get over emotions faster, they’re more pragmatic in that they tend to lose emotions they consider fruitless…on the average.
I’ve always wondered if they just have less going on in their minds and just don’t have that much to talk about, or they just don’t know what to say. I’ve met both. I’ve met guys that are really in tune with their feelings and express themselves all the time, like girls, and then people think they’re kind of gay. Then there are the other guys who just say they don’t have anything they want to share with guys or girls, and just seem emotionally distant.