equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
Me @ Twitter

Holy crap, eat­ing this takes a long time. Pomegranate juice is to pome­grantes, as wingtips are to chickens.

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

It’s time. I’m open­ing the pomegranate.

4 years, 7 months ago
29 Nov 09

Small Town Photo Trip

Field 2

Tina and I headed to a cou­ple of small towns around Ottawa. She had her Nikon and I was armed with my new Canon 5D Mark II, which is a full frame cam­era and gives me such won­der­fully wide angles. You can see her shots at her flickr set. They give me great ideas on how I can look at things from another per­spec­tive because they’re so dif­fer­ent from mine, approach­ing shots from closer ranges and com­pos­ing with more diag­o­nal angles.

Field 1

This is by far my favourite shot (above), and I’ll prob­a­bly get a large print of it when I have the money. There’s a series of acrylic paint­ings by Ken Vincent at the Koyman Galleries in Ottawa, and I’ve always wanted this one in par­tic­u­lar because the colours and the moody clouds speak of pure emo­tion to me, and I never believed I was capa­ble of cap­tur­ing such moments with my last cam­era1. The price — $2300 for a 28“x61” paint­ing — had always held me back, but now I’m con­fi­dent I can get that elu­sive look I’ve been try­ing to cap­ture, myself.

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  1. A Canon Digital Rebel Xt []
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Me @ Twitter

50% fin­ished a big con­tract and it feels goooooooood.

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Ugh. Why are Sunday morn­ing pho­to­shoots always after Saturday night parties?

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

There’s a del­i­cate bal­ance between the num­ber of shots it takes to sleep well and the abil­ity to drive home.

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Isn’t non-fat milk an oxy moron? Like fresh raisins.

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Another begin­ning…

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

The fact that Lloyd watches an aver­age of one sea­son of Reno 911! per week makes me respect him even more.

4 years, 7 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Dear Hollywood when peo­ple are say­ing “It reminded me of a for­eign film because it was really well done” you need to stop churn­ing out crap

4 years, 7 months ago
27 Nov 09

Unwitting Puppet

If it hasn’t been painfully obvi­ous, I’ve fallen off the wagon. I’ve been think­ing about her again.

But it isn’t my fault.

You see, she came by my work and gave me a box of home­made short­bread cook­ies in a cute lit­tle box (as well as some for my other co-workers). I would nor­mally say that it’s a nice ges­ture, but in this case, it was a cruel and painful reminder of what I had lost. But that pain sub­sided as I ate them (admit­tedly, in one sit­ting) and I decided to for­give her for that one. It’s hard to stay angry when the sugar and but­ter hits your brain.

Then she walked by at a con­cert, and squeezed my arm as she was pass­ing by. I didn’t even know she was there until it hap­pened. Then she did it again.

This whole time, I’ve been try­ing to get over things by stay­ing away, and I was doing pretty well, until the touch1 of her hand fanned the ashes of pas­sion that were left smol­der­ing in my chest, revers­ing sev­eral weeks of emo­tional recovery.

I told my friends I knew I was being self­ish, because I’m the weaker one for not being able to han­dle it when she’s dat­ing some­one else2. But they tell me it’s not self­ish, it’s self preser­va­tion. That I’m just tak­ing care of myself, and she’s the one being self­ish and incon­sid­er­ate, because she’s not respect­ing my wishes to keep a dis­tance. I’ve since stopped feel­ing guilty for stay­ing away.

Still, I’m left with this won­der­ing. What do her actions mean? What is she try­ing to com­mu­ni­cate? What does she want?

I can only guess that she wants to remain friends, but there’s this stu­pid hope in the back of my mind that it meant some­thing more. Maybe it’s a habit; I lived with that hope for more than a year as we fell into a rela­tion­ship at arms length.

I’ve con­sid­ered going back to her and ask­ing for some clo­sure — some real clo­sure — but I don’t think even she can explain her actions at this point. And if she could, her answer would prob­a­bly be the same as it’s always been.

But I really don’t know for sure because she’s cho­sen not to stay away, against my wishes, and my heart feels like it’s hang­ing by a thread. I doubt she’s doing it on pur­pose, but yet again, she gets to fig­ure things out at the expense of my emo­tional sta­bil­ity. After all, it’s hard me to move on when mixed sig­nals are hold­ing me back, like an open, gap­ing wound con­stantly being picked.

  1. This is the same sort of caress that can melt one’s resolve when com­ing from a per­son for whom one has a weak­ness. Humbert Humbert refers to this at the end of Lolita when he says to her, “Don’t touch me. I’ll die if you touch me.” []
  2. Then again, at least I know enough to stay away, instead of stalk­ing and going psy­cho. []
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Me @ Twitter

Going to sleep in the liv­ing room with the cur­tains open. Just so I can see the misty sky every time I open my eyes as I drift off.

4 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

I liked how, out of all the places to sit from two sofas and a chaise, we’d always end up in the nook of one couch, pressed together.

4 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Stuck in the bath­room for 20 min­utes, but I still made it to Tai Chi on time (with a bit of speeding/running).

4 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Noooo…the one Wednesday I can make it to Documentary Night and it’s on indef­i­nite hia­tus. Now where will I get my fix of witty comments?

4 years, 8 months ago