A reader recently sent me an e-mail. This was the last paragraph:
Lastly and please don’t take this as being bold, I want to keep reading and one day read that you are nothing but happy and fulfilled. I would never post a comment because I am too shy and also pretty prone to being embarrassed by people who are cooler than me (and I consider people who blog as people who are cooler then me), but many times when I read your entries I feel like I am watching a protagonist in a favourite movie or re-reading Siddhartha. Does that make any sense to you? I’m cheering you on and I’m in your corner.
It made me wonder: if she wants to read that I’m happy one day, does that mean that I’m not happy now? It forced the realization in me that the answer is no. Obviously no. Life isn’t great. But do I only write about the bad stuff? I’ve always believed that you have to suffer to create. I’m one of those, so maybe this is the case. I imagine it’s the opposite with my Tai Chi or table tennis partners, who must think my life is perfect, because of how happy I am when I’m doing those activities.
It also made me wonder how much of myself is revealed here. Someone once told me that she sees two different sides of me: one who is serious and intimidating from the things I write, and another who is easy-going and relaxed over the phone.
So what comes through in my words? Certainly not everything. But it’s the same as anything else, because it’s hard to get a total picture of someone, unless, perhaps, you spend an appropriately uncomfortable amount of time with them.
dif aspects that come out in different activity and company. that’s important to note. nothing is ever a total picture.
if I spend too little time doing my life’s equivalent of your table tennis, then maybe I’m choosing to throw myself off center? I try to be aware of what effects I’m causing.
when I write (in personal journaling not online stuff) I ask myself am I exacerbating myself or working something thru? or just not thinking out the options.
each context highlights a dif part. a way around my voice was to set up parallel blogs. For example, Humanyms is like the local newspaper column and Pesbo is like the national newspaper, as far as emotional range allowed and personalness and personal distance.
>unless, perhaps, you spend a necessarily uncomfortable amount of time with them.
yes, I think so. then all the patterns and decisions about Who A Person Is and all the performative caricaturing of self falls apart with contradictory info.
The company part you mention is especially true. I often find myself adapting to the people I’m with. Parallel blogs is a good idea to have as different outlets. Although even in our personal journaling, there’s still only a limited view of ourselves, even when it’s only us who reads them.
The way I see your blog is only a fraction of who you are, although I tend to think it is an important fraction nevertheless.
I like to think that like me, our blogs are the outlets to the parts of ourselves that we can’t really reveal in real life. It’s not that there are two sides of yourself, it’s just that what makes you tick in the real world, your motives and motivation is more revealed here. If that’s true, then I understand it well, I’m not sure why no one else understands it that way.
I think you see a slice of me that other people aren’t even aware that exists, even when it’s only through words and we’ve never met, because we’ve been through the same things.
I agree that our blogs become outlets to say what we normally can’t (or perhaps don’t want to). That’s one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place. Your idea that the two sides aren’t actually contradictory, but form one complete person, is very good. I think it’s changed the way I view myself. Your insightfulness continues to amaze me.
Funny that you mention what I said to you cause I was going to comment repeating myself. You do seem “heavy” here but so much “lighter” when I talk to you. I honestly look forward to meeting you in person. I’m so curious to see what you’re really like.
I would also like to talk about this idea of having to suffer to create.
I’d say that in person, I’m more like the one you know on the phone, although, left to myself with the right circumstances, and I can become withdrawn and introverted, more like the person you read online.
And I’ll add the “suffering to create” idea to the list of things we already need to talk about.
What the hell is an appropriately uncomfortable amount of time???
Is it the same amount of time I’m using to figure out what you mean by that?
I don’t have time for this…
;P
That would be the amount of that’s enough to be uncomfortable, and appropriate enough to figure out how a person truly is.
I agree, it’s a somewhat unclear sentence.