Comments on: Sensitive To Sensitivity

By: Jeff

Jeff — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:28:47 +0000

Ah, that does make sense now…I think I needed it explained in more cerebral, less metaphoric terms. Logic over literature this time.

By: Pearl

Pearl — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:44:13 +0000

I take it as a given, when I remember that I can’t control others. I can make offerings that my influence how I expect, or in some other way I don’t predict. It’s harder to accept that I am an other as well. I can influence myself but control even in that way is not absolute. My mind can decide what I will think or feel but mind heart and body may take their own paths.

By: Pearl

Pearl — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:41:41 +0000

let’s see…rephrased… each person is not a monolith. one has different responses to one stimulus simultaneously. someone makes a remark and one doesn’t know how it was meant and responses within are mixed. partly one feels embarrassment, part anger, part indifference, part fatigue, part frustration, part amusement, part spite, part worry, part sad.

each feeling comes with different behavior and words. each response is like a distinct person. which one wins?

with lovingkindness towards self, if one’s anger response wins, one forgives it. if one’s earnest response wins out, one forgives self. if one laughs inappropriately, well, that happens and can be indulged too. whatever happens, one can accept self, once one if accepting of all the communities of feelings one has. if one rejects some feelings as wrong, invalid, to be fought, whatnot, then there is dissent against self.

does that add clarity to what I mean, or only more words?

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:45:38 +0000

I’d say that I don’t get offended by the vast majority of things that may otherwise offend others, but with some small things I’m hyper-sensitive.

When people press those specific buttons, I don’t mention anything for two reasons:

1) I feel that I have no right to expect anyone to change their habits for me
2) I know that being so sensitive to certain things is definitely an issue with me, and not the other person

Wouldn’t it be so much better if I could correct the issue in myself, and not have everyone else try to work around it?

As for gauging sensitivities, I know that I’m a hard one to understand. A confused and painful childhood has left many scars yet undiscovered.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:41:03 +0000

Auto-responses are so deep rooted and subconscious that breaking that pattern is the hardest part. I know I’ve come a long way in that respect, but I’ve a long way to go still.

Good thing there’s no time limit on things like this.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:33:45 +0000

I’m still trying to find the balance between internal resolution within myself (perhaps I harbour a hope that I’m wise and mature enough to let anything slide) and external resolution with other people. Wise words from Epictitus, since we have no control over what happens to us, but I’m realizing that controlling ourselves can be difficult too.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:27:38 +0000

Tangentland, my friend! You’ll have to use another analogy to explain what you meant.

By: Julie

Julie — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 02:29:39 +0000

You don’t find you get offended easily? I’d agree with that if you were talking about political incorrectness or blatant offensive comedy, but on a personal level I find it quite difficult to gauge your sensitivities. And sometimes it’s BECAUSE you don’t say anything that you get repeat offenders, because to some (me included), certain things may not be so obviously insulting.

By: Xibee

Xibee — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:25:11 +0000

I think women have different auto-responses to perceived bullying or mental poking than men do. But in my experience with others it all comes of history, fathers or mothers, who knows. It takes a lot to keep from having your buttons pushed when you’ve been so dented in childhood. I didn’t realize this till fairly well into adulthood, and I found out my dad was year of the dragon. Made sense, he never let anyone win, not even his child. I suddenly saw all these places through youth where other parents might have encouraged a child’s efforts, but I had been stomped on and extinguished. I’ve had to stop myself from reaction over and over again throughout adulthood.

With you having written so recently about being so bitter over your parents, your therapy has really worked for you. It’s really kicking in when you need it!

And I must say that re: commenting on anyone else’s physical state: I really wish younger people would be aware that they shouldn’t make comments like that person did to you. Although to them it probably showed concern or mischievious good nature, you just never can tell what the reason might be for someone’s physical state. Someone could have cancer and not want anyone to know. They might not have kids because they are unable to have kids. They might be unable to remove a coat or shirt because of a physical problem. People should think twice before casually commenting like that.

By: der altmodische, schwarze Bär

der altmodische, schwarze Bär — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 17:47:36 +0000

Speaking from personal experience, in dealing with a partner in a martial arts class who is being annoying, it is always best to be honest with that person at the time. If nothing can be resolved that way, talk to the instructor after class. A good teacher will care about maintaining a harmonious atmosphere in his or classes for a variety of reasons; but cannot magically make any two people do more than train together with common courtesy. It’s perhaps unrealistic to expect more in such an environment.

In general, how each of us deals with insensitivities [both real and imagined] is often a matter of “eating bitter” as Jeff’s Chinese ancestors might have said. In the Western tradition, the Stoic philosopher, Epictitus, suggested “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

That’s still good advice some 1800 years after it was first offered.