I almost walked out of Tai Chi class the other night.
Someone asked me if I was going to “pass out again”, because I got light-headed the class before and had to leave early, most likely due to a side-effect of the new medication I’m on, though I was far from passing out.
I was flat-out offended, and began experiencing what my therapist explained are “automatic thoughts” — irrational thoughts that affect mood negatively. I had to step back from the situation, put the words out of my head, and calm myself down. If not, I would have overreacted, and probably regretted it. But I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset. After all, I’m far from one who gets offended easily.
Was I being publicly emasculated? Was I being judged without consideration of all the facts? Was my commitment to attend practice after not eating for two days being belittled? Was it the tone? Was it because I couldn’t speak back and defend myself, for fear of polluting the sanctity of the class1 with my personal politics? Probably a bit of each.
I tend to have similarly bad reactions to people being surprised that I don’t know something. It feels like I’m being judged, as if they presume to know who I am. Even though it’s supposed to be a compliment, it’s a back-handed one, like saying “I thought you were smarter than that”. John used to be especially guilty of this2, but he successfully corrected the behaviour years ago. It took a psychologist to point it out to him, and adverse reactions from several people, including me.
I know I’ve already come a long way. I’m not so sensitive about my weight (for a guy) any more. I stopped caring what people think when I know the truth. But this incident made me realize that I still harbor a sensitivity to certain things. I still have some growing up to do. Still have to realize that people say things without thinking, or don’t mean what they say, or that I may even take innocuous things the wrong way. Even though I feel that I had a right to be offended, I still don’t want to be.
And the fact that I was offended just makes me more upset.
- I approach my work with the same kind of reservation and detachment to remain professional. After all, these are situations in which we can’t choose the people we work with, so there’s nothing to do but accept and any unpleasantness. [↑]
- And quite self-aware of it. As a person oblivious to pop-culture, he loved to hold it over people when he knew something they didn’t. [↑]
I used to be bothered with things like that until I started to tell myself that, in a way, these people care, even if they seem to lack tact or if their motives differ from a more noble one. People are who they are, sometimes they can’t help what they go, at least in this case, it may have been a good thing.
Tell yourself that it would be much worse if you really were to pass out though and no one gave a damn to help as does happen frequently in my life (not the passing out bit, but something equally close).
I’m definitely thankful for those who care. Even though my dad almost never calls me, I’ve realized that he does care in his own way, although Julie had to point this out to me. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a new realization, or a change from my old dad, but knowing this is good enough.
Jeff,
I am going through the same thing. I have been in therapy now for almost a year and still dealing with similar issues to you and anger issues as well. It’s nice to know I am not alone in feelings like this and learning to deal with them. Also realizing that though therapy is helping there is a ways to go. I really enjoy your posts.
brian
I find it interesting that my issue was initially anxiety, and had nothing to do with anger, but now I can apply the same principles and techniques to other parts of my life. Therapy helped me a great deal, and really increased my quality of life. I’m glad you’re able to relate, especially as therapy is somewhat taboo and patients considered “broken” in this culture. Best of luck.
se here is the difrence between you and i
i could not help mysellf i would have sed something or if escalated beat there head in lol way to stay calm man im proud of you
Yeah Rob, that’s what I like about you. You’re so different from me. Sometimes I wish you had more control, but I think our differences compliment each other well. I’m proud of myself for remaining calm too actually. It took a tremendous amount of self-control, especially because I can’t even remember the last time I was so offended.
automatic thoughts is a good term for it. sometimes the mond-body is hair trigger. luckily each person has a village of minds within to respond with.
it’s a matter of habit which mind steps back and which forward, and the indulgent humor of old community accepting all the oddballs within the head… old hot-head-pete always goes off like that and old sam, you can never get a raise out of him. you know what I mean or am I in tangentland with the village idiot within myself?
Tangentland, my friend! You’ll have to use another analogy to explain what you meant.
let’s see…rephrased… each person is not a monolith. one has different responses to one stimulus simultaneously. someone makes a remark and one doesn’t know how it was meant and responses within are mixed. partly one feels embarrassment, part anger, part indifference, part fatigue, part frustration, part amusement, part spite, part worry, part sad.
each feeling comes with different behavior and words. each response is like a distinct person. which one wins?
with lovingkindness towards self, if one’s anger response wins, one forgives it. if one’s earnest response wins out, one forgives self. if one laughs inappropriately, well, that happens and can be indulged too. whatever happens, one can accept self, once one if accepting of all the communities of feelings one has. if one rejects some feelings as wrong, invalid, to be fought, whatnot, then there is dissent against self.
does that add clarity to what I mean, or only more words?
Ah, that does make sense now…I think I needed it explained in more cerebral, less metaphoric terms. Logic over literature this time.
Speaking from personal experience, in dealing with a partner in a martial arts class who is being annoying, it is always best to be honest with that person at the time. If nothing can be resolved that way, talk to the instructor after class. A good teacher will care about maintaining a harmonious atmosphere in his or classes for a variety of reasons; but cannot magically make any two people do more than train together with common courtesy. It’s perhaps unrealistic to expect more in such an environment.
In general, how each of us deals with insensitivities [both real and imagined] is often a matter of “eating bitter” as Jeff’s Chinese ancestors might have said. In the Western tradition, the Stoic philosopher, Epictitus, suggested “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
That’s still good advice some 1800 years after it was first offered.
I’m still trying to find the balance between internal resolution within myself (perhaps I harbour a hope that I’m wise and mature enough to let anything slide) and external resolution with other people. Wise words from Epictitus, since we have no control over what happens to us, but I’m realizing that controlling ourselves can be difficult too.
I take it as a given, when I remember that I can’t control others. I can make offerings that my influence how I expect, or in some other way I don’t predict. It’s harder to accept that I am an other as well. I can influence myself but control even in that way is not absolute. My mind can decide what I will think or feel but mind heart and body may take their own paths.
I think women have different auto-responses to perceived bullying or mental poking than men do. But in my experience with others it all comes of history, fathers or mothers, who knows. It takes a lot to keep from having your buttons pushed when you’ve been so dented in childhood. I didn’t realize this till fairly well into adulthood, and I found out my dad was year of the dragon. Made sense, he never let anyone win, not even his child. I suddenly saw all these places through youth where other parents might have encouraged a child’s efforts, but I had been stomped on and extinguished. I’ve had to stop myself from reaction over and over again throughout adulthood.
With you having written so recently about being so bitter over your parents, your therapy has really worked for you. It’s really kicking in when you need it!
And I must say that re: commenting on anyone else’s physical state: I really wish younger people would be aware that they shouldn’t make comments like that person did to you. Although to them it probably showed concern or mischievious good nature, you just never can tell what the reason might be for someone’s physical state. Someone could have cancer and not want anyone to know. They might not have kids because they are unable to have kids. They might be unable to remove a coat or shirt because of a physical problem. People should think twice before casually commenting like that.
Auto-responses are so deep rooted and subconscious that breaking that pattern is the hardest part. I know I’ve come a long way in that respect, but I’ve a long way to go still.
Good thing there’s no time limit on things like this.
You don’t find you get offended easily? I’d agree with that if you were talking about political incorrectness or blatant offensive comedy, but on a personal level I find it quite difficult to gauge your sensitivities. And sometimes it’s BECAUSE you don’t say anything that you get repeat offenders, because to some (me included), certain things may not be so obviously insulting.
I’d say that I don’t get offended by the vast majority of things that may otherwise offend others, but with some small things I’m hyper-sensitive.
When people press those specific buttons, I don’t mention anything for two reasons:
1) I feel that I have no right to expect anyone to change their habits for me
2) I know that being so sensitive to certain things is definitely an issue with me, and not the other person
Wouldn’t it be so much better if I could correct the issue in myself, and not have everyone else try to work around it?
As for gauging sensitivities, I know that I’m a hard one to understand. A confused and painful childhood has left many scars yet undiscovered.