Let me give it to you straight, straight like an arrow.
I’ve had these words stuck in my head for some time now. Lyrics from the titular Dears track I first heard in university, back when I would go home in the summer and watch The Wedge on Friday nights.
I know that’s awfully cynical to say, but I need proof that it is possible today.
I just wish I could accept that fact. I’m starting to wonder if that’s why I keep hearing the words in my head. It’s my subconscious reminding me, keeping me grounded.
It’s the same story, where guy sees girl, falls in love, and happily ever after. In between, there’s always the overused plot element of the guy winning over the girl by revealing himself and his feelings. After all, this alone is enough to win any girl over, regardless of whether she found him attractive or not, she was married or single, or he was the nerd and she was the cheerleader.
But love doesn’t exist in real life, as much as I want to believe that it does.
Not for me, anyway.
Well, I believe that love exists. Or at the very least, our justification of what love is for us. It exists.
It’s just that, love, doesn’t always equate to a perfect relationship. You can love someone all you want, but it doesn’t mean it’s the solution to all problems. It doesn’t put food on the table and a roof over your head. It doesn’t cure sickness nor does it prevent it. It doesn’t even assure you of a happy ending.
But it exists.
We just forget that love isn’t enough to keep a relationship together. It takes some hard practical work and for me at least, a reason and a purpose.
I beleive you.
Love is something men came up with in order to “sweep” women off their feet, and well…. sleep with them. they don’t give if you are nice, or whatever, they just want woman’s bodies. trust me, the real friends(in boys/men) are the ones who actually do shit with their lives.. and don’t have any girls that are friends. in my opinion anyways.
Dear “Thoughts”,
I suspect your definition of love is full of misconceptions (and not a little painful history).
Do you think
Love =
Always Romantic +
Totally Unconditional +
Lasts Forever +
Exactly Mutual Feelings?
Yes, that type of love is next to impossible. But it would be silly of me to say it has never happened before, isn’t happening now, or will never happen in the future. Life has infinite possibilities.
TRUE LOVE, as sometimes depicted in the movies, does happen, but very rarely. It can even be profoundly more blissful and satisfying than any movie could depict. I know because I’ve seen it first hand, in real life, with several envious couples. Who gets to live it and who doesn’t? It is basically an act of randomness, luck, fate (call it what you will). By why, if we need and want it so badly, can only a few people get it, but most cannot? BECAUSE LIFE ISN’T FAIR!
Is Love always romantic? No way. Most of life is mundane, unattractive, boring and fraught with problems.
Is it always mutual? Of course not. But that doesn’t negate the love one person feels. His or her love does exist, all too painfully.
Does Love last forever, and if not, was it really love? That’s a trickier question. We love what we know or think we know. That is the best we can do. However, if you consider that people learn and change over time, it is clear that love changes also. Maybe it lasts days, weeks, months, years, decades…in very rare cases, a lifetime. But one thing I heard long ago has proven accurate for me: Love is never stagnate. It either grows stronger over time, or weakens over time. It never stays exactly the same.
Is Love unconditional? By definition, real love is selfless and unconditional. There are always practical considerations that determine if two people can stay together. Whether two people can stay together is determined by whether practical considerations outweigh the love or not. If the love is stronger, the conditions are less important. However, many people love another person deeply but cannot stay together with them, for one or more of a million reasons. When that happens, it’s sad, but that’s life.
For more insight into the realities of love, I recommend you consider the book “The Art of Love” by Eric Fromm. http://www.amazon.com/Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0060915943
Hollywood’s a society that rewrites its own ethnics and morals for their make-believe world. How you, or anyone, find the real meaning of love in Made of Honor, Shall We Dance, The Notebook, or Die Hard.
(I do hope that wasn’t Eric.)
Love does exist. I know because I would have left the planet long ago had I not found someone who I felt truly understood me, and without whom my life would be very empty.
That being said, the relationship I had in mind for us did not end up as planned. It ended platonically; but I can’t say I am any less rich for it having been so.
My experience is that simple, lush, romantic love and having an actual, solid, once in a lifetime soulmate are not always in the same package. It would be nice if it were so, but people are constantly shifting and growing and sex of course makes everything much more complicated, even when you truly love someone.
Here I could go with one of two recommendations:
A) Endure pain until all your sharp edges are worn down and you are comfortable with yourself so much that you’ll bump into actual love because someone else recognizes and wants your warmth and security; or
B) I could quote Spaulding Grey (he was quoting at the time): “Happy People Don’t Make History.” Note however that after he threw himself off a ferry in winter to commit suicide, you might want to choose A).
Love is certainly something we define for ourselves. There are so many sementics involved in trying to explain it. For example, there’s a distinction made between being “in love” with someone and “loving” someone. It’s obvious from all your comments that we hold different views of love, as unique as our views of the world as a whole.
I’ve only recently started to realize that, for me, love is mutual. It’s a bond shared between two people. Because when it’s an unrequited love, it’s not the same. You don’t have the foundation of trust and understanding that lets it grow and evolve. Edrei, as you say in your follow-up entry, love is not enough, but it’s certainly a requirement in any relationship if it’s expected to work out in the long term.
Hollywood fulfils it’s purpose by entertaining fantasies of ideal love. I have to laugh at how unrealistic it all is. Most men are portrayed as childish, insecure, unattached people, and women are made out to be love-starved, willing to throw themselves at a man who will simply admit that he has feelings for them. There are many creative liberties taken by the movies, and that’s exactly why we watch them.
But I hold no illusions about love. I understand the conditions, the (often sad) realities, and even with this practical mindset, my most basic definition of love does not exist. Not for me.
Story of my life.
Since you create the definition that sets yourself apart from what you want, that must do something gratifying for you. Sometimes you seem like you could be happily Catholic or even Baptist in a love of penance.
That’s funny, I was raised Catholic, although I’ve completely given up the religion now. I’ve since converted to writing.
ha! I love that turn of word.
What’s your most basic definition of love that does not exist?
I would have to say that my definition involves mutual feelings, on a relatively even level. Not that love is always even and fair (in my experience, relationships can be one-sided). To me, love is where you can give yourself up wholly because you know that the other person has as well, and just as much.
You’ll have to excuse the Spiderman reference, but this just came to mind, “With great love comes great responsibility.” I think to a certain degree it entails that you open yourself up to be taken advantage of, and trust that it won’t happen.
I completely agree. Actually, I was about to write something about my previous baggage and trust issues in the last comment, but felt that I digressed too much.
I’m sorry to add yet another addendum to your post, but I found this so inspiring. I guess for some, it does exist. Although this is about cancer, it is about love. This fellow’s blog is another I enjoy reading a lot.
http://metrodad.typepad.com/index/2008/08/rest-in-peace.html
Another Asian blogger, I see. You must have the yellow fever.
Korean connection!.
You guys really make some insightful and inspiring comments.
I completely agree with you. This has become one of the best comment threads on the site.
True love exists, says science! reported by Foxnews even..
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,475905,00.html
Thank goodness it was originally from the London Times…
This post made me think deep.
You don’t appear to be the only one.
I don’t think love exisits. I think people are scared to live on their own and so they need to have a relationship to feel validated. I also blame instincts to need to be social. I think it is perfectly healthy to be alone if that’s what you really want. Some people, like myself, don’t enjoy the feeling of being tied and restricted. It’s a complete pain in the long run that, in the end, might as well not happen. The world is filled with divorce now of days and that is a clear sign that love does not exist as far as loving a non-relative relationship goes.
Seriously, think about it. You “fall in love” with someone and you get married (and most likely over-looking all the skeletons in their closet or stuffing yours into a suitcase labeled “from mom”). Now you’re stuck and can’t just leave when you want to without a mass amount of money spent, argument, and, in some cases, something extremely illegal. But if you decide to stay, you have kids. That means you have more people to support and you get attacted to them. Well what if your spouse decides they hate your guts? Then comes the divorce and then the kids being hurt in the custody battle and arrangement. Then you have to start all over but never completely the way you were because a piece of you is broken because you decided to be stupid and involve yourself with something trivial.
It all ends in heart-break, my friends. Romantic/Passionate love and relationships are worthless. The only people worth loving is your family. Save yourself the grief.
i came to put an end to the question of the million dollars…and the answer is no.love,or what you call love is not real.the love for others is not real,the love for your family is not real.love is just a lie that mommy and daddy told you all because they were raised to believe in it.your parents do not really love you,think about it,but think far beyond your beliefs,use common sense..your father and mother only care about you and worry about you because they use you to become more popular before other parents.why do you think they like to brag about your accomplishments to others.reason number 2,they were forced to raise you,because if they didnt,they would spend some time behind bars for child abuse…they count the seconds until you become old enough and you get out of the house and become your own problem,you can ask them,and they will lie,to themselves…they do these things subconsiously.When you like someone,you dont fall in love,you like the person because you want to get your freak on with her or him.you tell them´´i love you´´but that is just another expression for lets do R rated stuff.love is not an emotion its just a lie the humanity is forced to believe…but i have awakened,im not blinded by those lies anymore.to put it simple,what you call love is just the animal need of a human to find a mate and reproduce,there are no magic or unicorns involved.i could go on with this for hours,but i got better things to do.and to you all going´´what an emo´´let me tell you one thing,im not one of those depressive pathetic excuses of human beigns that like to feel pain.ill rather be the one inflicting the pain.so my last words to you are..keep lying to yourselves,i dont care.im outta that dilema…love is another legend that was killed by me.