I generally loathe such arbitrary measures of time, but the fact of the matter remains that there were some fairly important things that happened in my life within the last 365.

I had my first art gallery exhibition. So far, I’ve sold 12 pieces, which I’m ecstatic about. I’ve also since become good friends with the gallery owners, Frédéric and Misun.

I started — and finished — pyschoanalytic therapy. After my crippling panic attack exactly one year ago, I was encouraged to seek some help, and this therapy ended up going much, much deeper. I wasn’t scared in my relationships because I didn’t realize how much baggage I had. But now I know.

I got my second tattoo. This significant thing about this is that it’s probably my last tattoo. After the first one, I finally feel complete (and symmetrical).

I got a car. And I’m loving the freedom. After buying my house and being gainfully employed, a car was the only thing left. This means I can buy large items, I don’t have to depend on friends to get me places inaccessible by bus, I can go home from parties when I want, and awesome road trips out of town.

I kissed her and she kissed me back. Sometimes, there’s nothing more important than having the right girl kiss you the right way.

I released version 10.0. This was by far the most popular design of my site, being featured at places like Perishable Press’s Web Design Showcase and at the top of Crestock’s 13 Minimalist Blog Designs You Really Should See. Unfortunately, this also meant I higher profile, and more attempts by people to copy it.

I went through a course of Isotretinoin. This effectively ended my acne, which became a pretty big problem in the last year. It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up and not have to worry about what my face was going to look like.

I got this letter from a reader. I receive many letters and comments, which I greatly appreciate, but this one really stuck out because something that I created had affected someone in an intensely positive way. I hope to be able to do this again some day.

Well, I have water. And hot water too. I’ve been doing loads of laundry and dishes in the dishwasher. Not to mention sweet, sweet BMs on a toilet.

But my bathroom and bedroom ceilings still look like this. Not to mention the coarse dust on everything and the uprooted furniture. I had several entries with pictures to post, but my colour-calibrated monitors are sitting in the spare room. I have no idea when the contractor is going to be back to get everything dirty again. Otherwise, I’d do some cleaning.

Either the construction company is on holiday (which contradicts what the worker said), or they’re dodging me, because I haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone for days now. I’m stuck in limbo here, literally living in the living room (what a fitting name). It’s left me rather sick and unmotivated.

When it’s 2:30 in the morning and there are no other cars on the road, I try to time my speed with the red lights so that I never have to come to a complete stop. On approaching an intersection less than a kilometer from home yesterday, I successfully did so, and started accelerating again when the light turned green.

Then I noticed a police car driving in the opposite direction do a U-turn and start tailing me. In my head, I’m hoping he pulls me over. I’m in no rush to be anywhere, I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and I want some justification for every time I’ve driven fumbled for my wallet in the dark before driving her home in my pajamas, on the off-chance that this may happen. Besides, I’d never been pulled over before, I want to know what to expect.

After a moment, his lights go on.

Continue reading

Nightmare. The word almost everyone has been using to describe this hot water situation. From my friends and coworkers, to the plumbing technicians, to the sales reps, to the contractors.

When the contractor came over to make holes in my ceiling, he brushed against a pipe that went to the hot water tank, and since it was almost rusted completely through, it snapped and started leaking. Water shoots out of the hole any time I turn the water on, so I’ve had to shut off the main valve. Now I have no water. I can’t wash my hands, I can’t go to the bathroom.

The exhaust pipe that goes to my furnace isn’t up to code anymore either, so even if I get all this work done on the house, my ceiling would have to be ripped up again when the furnace goes. And since mine is 12-years-old and rated for 15 years, it could die on me as soon as three years (or sooner). So I’ll be getting the furnace pipe replaced too, which essentially doubles my pipe installation costs.

In addition to moving as much furniture out of my room as possible into my guest room (thereby robbing me of my photo studio, Tai Chi practice area, bedroom, and main computer), I’ll have to cover the remaining things in sheets to protect them from the dust. When the piping is all replaced¹, the contractor needs to come in and patch up the holes, scrape all the stipple off my ceiling, respray the stipple on, and repaint it. I don’t even have an estimate of how much that’s going to cost.

The house is my one area of stability. Where I retreat to when everything else is falling apart. The one place I need to be constant. I won’t feel settled until it’s all been resolved.

And to think that I was looking forward to the holidays. I was picturing myself enjoying my well-earned time off, eating bacon and eggs, playing a few games, and starting some new projects.

How far away the image seems now.

1. And with luck, they won’t refuse to do the job because they don’t have enough clearance. [↑]

Sometimes, you stab yourself in the hand with a point, but it’s not sharp enough to break the skin.

Sometimes, the blood comes to the surface, and this is as much of yourself as you can show the world.

Sometimes, the pavement is covered in snow outside, and you can drive over 100kph in one spot before the traction kicks in.

Sometimes, you scare yourself with your recklessness.

Sometimes, you realize that life is pain.

Sometimes, you have nothing left but numbness and resolve.

I have no hot water.

In the middle of the weekend, my hot water tank broke down. I called the energy company and was on hold for almost two hours. When I finally got through to someone to troubleshoot my problem, all he told me to do was unplug the tank and plug it back in again. Then he told me to wait an hour and call back to make an appointment with a technician if it didn’t work. I refused to do this (after being on hold for so long already), so I made an appointment right there.

The technician came today and told me that the pipes were leaking water, and the black area under at the bottom signified a carbon monoxide leak¹. The entire hot water tank has to be replaced.

The good news is that my hot water tank is rented, so any repairs or replacements are covered by the energy company. The bad news is that the ventilation pipe that connects the tank to the outside of the house is no longer up to code, and needs to be replaced before the hot water tank is replaced. The worse news is that my ceiling is finished, so it needs to be ripped open for the new piping to be installed then patched up again when it’s done, by an outside construction company. The cherry on top is that neither the pipe installation or the destruction/construction is covered by my condo or the energy company, so I’ll have to shell out more money at a time I can’t afford it.

Until then, I can’t shower², I can’t shave, I can’t do my dishes, I can’t do my laundry, I can’t rinse my mouth without using painfully cold ice water.

But I won’t after this.

1. Thankfully low enough that the two carbon monoxide detectors didn’t go off [↑]
2. which is one of my favourite ways to unwind at the end of the day [↑]

Many years ago, I received an e-mail from a reader named Winston Rand, looking for some blogging advice:

Jeff,

I have been to your equivocality site numerous times over the last couple of months and always come away impressed. Having visited many other “blogs” – God how I’ve come to hate that term – I keep coming back to yours as my gold standard. Been thinking of starting my own, even have 2 domain names paid for, but being an engineer and an IT pro, I’m too hesitant to start until most of the answers are quite clear. That is a strength as well as a failing…

In my quest, I’ve looked at many different blogging tools, hosting sites, etc., and am still not sure which route to take. My temptation is to say to hell with all of them and just post my stuff using static html pages (Dreamweaver) since I’m not really interested in feedback or comments that much. But I do like the ability to easily integrate calendar, archives, and other features that most of the blog packages seem to include by default. And who knows, one of these days I may care what other people think of my work.

Among the popular packages, I’ve got it narrowed down to WordPress, Moveable Type, and SquareSpace, but I’m wide open to suggestions and recommendations.

Could you share your thoughts on what you use and recommend? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Keep up your excellent work! I look forward to seeing more of it.

I steered Winston towards Wordpress, and soon after, he started his own blog at nobodyasked.com. Over time, he developed a significant readership, as he would write quite lucidly about politics, humour, and the occassional geek talk.

Although our blogs covered different things in a different style (Winston called it “[spinning] in a slightly offset parallel universe” when describing my blog in his one-year anniversary post), we would check up on each other now and then.

During one of my last visits, I found out that Winston has died after a 38-hour illness and 3 surgeries. While I never really knew him in person, I still feel like someone close is gone.

And I wish I could explain why.

Back in the summer, John and I went to the Ontario Science Centre. The planetarium was up-and-running, so we got to view the latest Mars landscape pictures in 360 degrees. We also arrived at the Science Arcade just in time to see a girl on the stage with her hand on the big Van de graaff, one of those mystical flagship images you often see in their advertisements.

We hadn’t been there since we were little kids, but the interactive tests and experiments are always fun, even when you’re older.

I’m still not sure if I feel like a man.

I always imagined that it’s a mindset you suddenly develop (or a way people view you) once you have kids, or pass 30, whichever one comes first. There’s this idea stuck in my head that adults are these people who don’t have fun. They don’t watch (and enjoy) stupid movies, or play Warcraft, or talk on the phone for hours. It’s probably from growing up with my parents, who never did anything that made them laugh or smile. Or maybe I’m having too much fun and freedom to really feel like I’m grown-up.

There was definitely some point between getting my first job and house, and now, that I started to feel like an adult. It was never a distinct line though.

For now, the only thing I do that makes me feel like I’m a man is when I’m paying and filing my bills.

Sometimes, I feel like I’ve been waiting to capture moments like this my whole life.

By now, I’ll have spent twice as much time on this bus than in class.

Through the windows, the world is streaked and muddy, and it looks like god has turned on the lights outside, it’s so bright. These goosebumps aren’t from the cold. It’s the music, loud and full in the ears, that shivers.

The homeless ask for quarters with an apology for interrupting your music. It’s as if the cold has turned their bitterness to desperation, and we get a little politeness in return. No sign of my lost girl, just a man in her spot with too many bags, a frumpy hat, and two old paperbacks that he never opens.

My socks are soaked through at the ankles, and all I can think of is how good it’ll feel to peel them off and jump in the shower. Or how good my wonton soup will taste when I eventually get home. Or how convenient it’ll be to just take off and drive next time, instead of waiting outside for the bus.

I may be wet and cold, but I’m going somewhere nice. That’s enough to keep the spirit warm.

I don’t do this often enough.

Sometimes, you need to get outside. Dodge the drunks stumbling through the halls, the people standing and waiting for their groups, the familiar faces. Maybe because it’s snowing outside, and you don’t want to miss it, when the sky aches the same orange as you do.

This isn’t your scene, but there’s no one to back you up, so you smile and nod. Fake kisses and obligatory hugs, thinking, “I don’t know you, and I never will”. A façade to appear normal, when memories come flooding back. Sitting alone at a table, wondering why you came in the first place. Times without a person to make you a promise. Moments with other people’s wives, because he’s secure like that, and wishing for nothing else. Walking these halls alone the way you’re doing now. Memories you wish were a little more distant. Maybe you’ll come back one day, and break even, or maybe even come out ahead.

Sometimes you need to take a picture of something, anything, because nothing you see here is how you feel, and it’s the only way you can scream.

Maybe it’s not so much outside, where you’re running, as away.

Sure, I may be writing this now, but all I can think of is how busy I am, of how I should be filling in my to-do board, so I can keep track of everything.

The month looks like this:

December 6th — Work Christmas Party
December 19th–21st — John visiting with Sheila
December 22nd — Hosting dinner with Naveed and his family
December 24th — Dinner at Julie’s, then sleeping over at Shirley’s
December 25th — Christmas at Shirley’s
December 26th — Dinner for Julie’s birthday
December 31st — New Year’s party at Aaron’s, then over to Pat’s

I need to go into work for a few hours in between to do some end-of-year archiving, and I’m hoping Darren’s going to be able to come up with Arjman at some point too. Then there are all the projects I’m trying to finish, both personal and professional.

I never thought I’d have a tag for “busy”, but there you go.

I’m looking forward to the holidays this year. I need the time off. I’m hoping to catch up on a few games, and finally breathe. I even miss visiting relatives I’d only see once a year, back when I had a family to go home to, or should I say, when I was so naive that I thought I knew what family was supposed to be.

And maybe that’s what I’m really waiting for.

Most recently, a person called Cleo, who also goes by the misnomer “sexy1980″, stole both words and pictures from a heartfelt entry I wrote after a particularly hard day. Word-for-word. You see that car on her site? That’s my car.

If you dare to look at this abortion of a web page, do so at your own risk. I warn you, the animations and colours are not for the feint of heart.

I wasn’t happy when someone started copying entire entries of mine, word-for-word, or when another person stole my design of Version 10 (his attempted redesign in an effort to cover up his actions isn’t that far off either). Sure, I also get people hotlinking my images too, but I take simple pleasure in replacing the images with pictures of a lemon party, because I get to laugh at things like this.

But when someone steals both my words and hotlinks my pictures I get really pissed off.

Updated tastes for 2008. Many items from my 2006 and 2007 lists are crossed out, which is why categories like “furniture” aren’t smaller now.

I’ve been told that I’m notoriously hard to shop for. Not only am I extremely picky, I have esoteric (and expensive) tastes, and I usually buy — and so, have — the things that I want. This year, I realized that good gifts are things people want, but which they don’t buy for themselves because they can’t justify the cost. It doesn’t have to be lavish, but maybe a little overpriced, something you wouldn’t necessarily buy for yourself.

Photography

• Canon EOS 5D Mark II (about $2800) — Yep. This is the big one. I had the Mark I on my list back in 2006. This one is full frame, does dust cleaning, and records video now. Even though I have a camcorder already, I want this for low-light and low depth-of-field work that consumer camcorders simply can’t provide.

Housewares

• Tea Forté Morehouse glass ($25) — A double-walled glass that can be used to keep tea warm (or iced tea cold). Made with a cover for the leaf on Tea Forté pyramid bags to stick out. No condensation means no coaster needed. Love the design and functionality.
• Tea Forté tea trays (×2) ($7) — For holding individual tea tags. Comes in sets of two with four colour choices, but I like bone white.
• Bodum Assam 1.5L teapot ($50) — My previous, smaller Assam teapot broke (rather easily) as I was cleaning out the filter. I can’t give up my love of Bodum products though. I already have tea makers for single servings, but I don’t have a pot for when I have guests over.
• Oxo Candela Flare (set of eight) ($130) — I’d put these on the banister that separates my hallway from the stairs. It’s pretty bland right now.

Furniture

• B2C Expandable Dining Table ($699) — To replace the cheap, scratched-up dining table I have in my kitchen now. Frosted glass? More like frosted sexiness.

Gadgets

• Tenori-On ($1200) — I’ve been waiting for this to be available in Canada for more than a year, and it’s finally come. I’ve always wanted to get into music as another medium of creativity. I come from a musical background (as opposed to visual arts), but the Tenori-On combines both, in a simple, easy-to-use interface.
• Aromatherapy Car Diffuser ($16) — For keeping the car fresh, with refillable scent pads.
• Apple Wireless Bluetooth Keyboard ($80) — I’m hoping the next MacWorld Expo will announce an update, not a discontinuation, to the Mac Mini, which I’d get for a home theatre system (my TV is soon to be disconnected because I don’t use it enough). If this holds to be true, I’d have to buy a keyboard, which I could already use now.
• MicroFly Tiny R/C Hovering UFO ($20) — Small and easy-to-fly. Something I’d use to play with Dolly.
• Colibri Throttle Silver Plaid Lighter ($60) — Much to my dismay, the electro-quartz trigger on my old Colibri died. It was one Christie gave me for my birthday, with my name engraved on it. I’ve been looking for a lighter ever since, and this is the first one I’ve ever really considered. I’m super-picky about lighter design.
• Auto LED ($25) — Plugs into the cigarette lighter of the car, and glows blue (which would match the meters of my car). Pull it out, and it becomes a handy-dandy flashlight.

Games

• Rez ($20) — One of the most underrated and genre-busting games of the PS2.
• Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition ($20) — DMC has always been one of those series I hear about, but never got a chance to try. The special edition adds gameplay and fixes various issues.
• Metal Slug Anthology ($20) — I love the arcady feel of Metal Slug. Something you can turn on, and play with your brain off. The entire series in one game? Yes, please.