Hoping today will be better. And the construction company will actually show up. 34 mins ago
18 Nov 08
It’s times like this I wish I had someone to take care of me1, because I’m tired of taking care of myself.
- Pat once told me there should be a person in every group who’s always controlled, calm, and together (in case of emergency, or otherwise), and he tries to be this person. It must be true, because he’s my rock, the friend who has never let me down. I once asked him if this idea extended to his marriage, and he told me that it applied to 90% of the time. But for the other 10%, when he’s tired, unmotivated, and doesn’t care anymore, Jenny takes over, and he admitted to me that he’s become dependent on this. [↑]
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I wish I had that 10% but in my world there is no such thing. There are people you can rely on and there are people who rely on you. People whose sole purpose in life is to help others regardless. It would seem that I don’t have the luxury of being taken care off and despite the fact that I’m tired, unmotivated and don’t care, I have to help people, because that’s the only way I can keep in contact with the human world.
The only way people will bother to talk to me about anything, is when they want me to help them with something. That is my world and I know how sad that really is.
No, it ain’t easy. I had spent years looking really hard for someone to be with, to care for, but also ultimately to care for me as well, to prop me up when I am down… I learned the hard way we can’t force this.
Starting afresh, I made friends who really are the bricks in my world, and after giving up the dating madness, I practically stumbled upon my now partner by chance. I guess what I’m saying is, there will be shitty periods like this, but hang on. Words from a good friend — “This, too, shall pass” — helped me immensely.
We don’t have to help people, or be helped. We can survive. But this ain’t about surviving. It’s about something more. We’ll all get there.
@Edrei — That’s quite sad indeed. I think that as long as people don’t take advantage of you, or take you for granted, then it’s okay. You have to be careful that others don’t prey on your nature or situation.
I won’t lie, or say something trite like, “I’m sure there’s someone you can rely on, you just aren’t aware” because I don’t know you, but I do know it takes time to find the right people/connections. Look at me; Pat’s one of the only people who’s never let me down, and I’ve only known him for five years out of my life.
@Life for Beginners — I understand that it’s only during times I’m so busy, my life so complicated, when I feel like I’m drowning, that I crave this kind of help. I also believe that “This, too, shall pass”. It’s a great way of looking at things, but when I’m caught up in a mess, I often forget.
You’re spot on about it all being “something more” than surviving, because I know I’ll live. I just wouldn’t mind things being a little easier right now.
When I’m down, I want to be left alone. When I’m sick, I want to be left alone. Sometimes when people try to help or comfort me, it will only emphasize the feeling of being down or sick. I think I’m just not normal.
Happy Birthday! ~~
Ah….birthday games 
To Joe - I have found too often that, my husband responds like you, just at the time when I want to give. It’s difficult for a nurturer to give solace by allowing solitude. I have had to back off and think, well, I guess…. that’s all….. it’s a guy’s-guy cave thing, I guess.
The other thing I learned about expecting to depend on my guys in my life was that, although there might be a lot of posturing that they wanted to take care of me, when push came to shove and I really needed it, they were pretty clueless as to How to do that.
Even now I think they would make different choices than I would have them make about my welfare, which is a difficult thing to look at. I have resigned myself to taking care of myself first.
Would it be bad to say that it is a choice?
It is always a choice, especially if you do know that is what they are there for and that is what they want from you. I’m tired of losing good people over and over again and having to rebuild new human relationships over time. In return for some measure of human company, I made a choice to be used with the knowledge that I am being taken advantage of, so that I don’t feel alone.
I know I rely on my girlfriend, but even that I learned too recently that at the end of it, you’re still on your own. Life does have its tendency to be cruel. I just have to do whatever I can to make the best of it.
I feel the same way.
It also made me understand why those powerful politicians would hire high priced escorts.
@Uncle Joe — I can totally understand that way of thinking. Being constantly doted on is also a constant reminder of how we feel. But I agree that that way of thinking isn’t normal; most people are opposite.
@Xibee — You also have to understand that some men have too much pride to want to be taken care of. When you do so, you may be implying that they’re too weak to take care of themselves. Of course, not all of us are filled with that much machismo.
I suppose I’m can be quite high-maintenance in situations like this, and it seems to me like you may also have a very particular way of wanting to be cared for. In those cases we do have to take care of ourselves, not because other people don’t want to, but because they don’t know how or can’t do so effectively.
@Edrei — Any choice you make isn’t a bad one, as long as you accept the consequences (which it sounds to me like you have). In a sort of backwards way, you’re getting what you need from these people even though they’re taking advantage of you, because what they offer is important to you and worth it.
Even girlfriends don’t have all the necessary tools to provide you with support, but in those cases, I find it’s more of a case of being high-maintenance than anything else. And for people with mental histories like ours, that makes it even harder to deal with.
@Causalien — That’s an interesting idea. I suppose that for enough money, some people will care unconditionally (aside from the obvious condition), and do anything.
I’m glad that I’m not entirely alone in my behaviour. In my case, it has absolutely nothing to do with machismo. My simple reasoning is “I just want some peace and quiet”.
I might add that my wife feels almost the same way as Xibee.
You know, we should just all get dogs. : )
It’s good to hear that you know you will survive. I know how easy it is to forget that when we are in the middle of a bad patch, or maybe not even a bad patch, just a ho-hum one where nothing happens or excites us.
Five years is longer than I’ve known my best friend, a girl with whom I share everything and consider my brick — though, hopefully it’s mutual; I don’t just wanna draw on her and not give anything back. Pat sounds like a great guy.
I hope things do get easier for you. *hugs*