Ever since Wordpress 2.5 added native tagging support, I’ve been going through my old entries and appropriately tagging each one. Recently, I arrived at the chunk of time where I started dating Louise.

It’s said that everyone has at least one relationship where you look back and ask yourself, “What the hell was I thinking?”. I never believed it until, four years later, I came across those old posts. The words were a stark reminder of how hard I tried to make it work, of how much I did for her, and how it was never good enough.

She would belittle my attempts to grow and improve, push me to the limits of my tolerance, and when I would speak up about how much it hurt me, she would justify it in saying that she would refuse to hide her opinions because couples should be “open”. I kept getting put down, over and over again.

There’s one correspondence in particular on her blog that I saved, something that typifies the relationship in a few paragraphs, that I read whenever I need a smile:

is there really such thing as random, when it comes to people?

seems like in one way or another, i end up dating the same kind of guy.

why is it that i find confidence so sexy and yet i date people with very little of it? Why do i keep finding myself with people with more insecurities then me? is that a safety net? i hope the fuck not.

I’d like to think that i dont have all that many insecurities.. but you know.. when i’m with someone who is very critical of themselves, i can only imagine what they think of me. no more shopping with others, it makes me feel unattractive.

and… outside of that situation.. i know im attractive… i just dont conform to what “society” believes is attractive.

I replied:

You hurt me so much when you say these things. Things such as comparing me to your ex’s, when they are your ex’s for a reason. This certainly does not make me feel more confident. I admit that I’m insecure; it’s something that I’ve been dealing with for most of my life, and something that I plan on working on for the rest of it. I was hoping that you could accept this as part of me and deal with it until I’m ready, because I’m making a conscious effort to improve. Your words are neither nice or encouraging, and they show me that you’re having a hard time dealing with my current inabilities.

I’ve asked you not to do this before, and this is the last time that I’m going to ask you not to do it again. If you come to the conclusion that there are no random people and that you just keep dating the same types of guys, then we have a problem.

And her response:

warning!!!!!!!

This weblog is written without appologies. I say what i feel here because if i dont, i tend to say them out loud.

For those who dont like it, just dont visit this site… i’ll create a fluffy place where nothing but good thoughts are recorded and you can live in bliss, thinking that you are the only person in the world who has thoughts they cant SAY to someone else.

rant over, fuck off.

And I smile because it’s a reminder of how much better it is now that I’m out of that toxic relationship. Of how I unarguably made the right decision. My calm, reasonable response, met with her lashing out as if it was my fault. Even now, I can’t believe I was strong enough to put up with all her bullshit and bear the brunt of both our insecurities, to the point where I would physically abuse myself.

Once, she even had the audacity to leave a spiteful comment on one of my honest entries, after what she wrote above.

I remember being on the bus the day I decided to break up with her. It took longer than it should have because I was always clouded by fatigue. I adjusted my sleeping schedule to hers, but she got to sleep in because of the nature of her job. The day I finally got a decent night’s sleep was the day I figured out that it wasn’t worth it. Even John, who contradicts everything I say as both lawyer and consigliere, agreed that there was no hope with her.

Afterward, she saw everything so differently from the way it happened, as if I was at fault, when it was the one relationship which I feel confident in saying that I gave her everything and did nothing wrong. I always suspected it was some kind of defence-mechanism, where her mind wouldn’t let her objectively, consciously see any of her issues or mistakes.

So it had to end, for the sake of my sanity and my self-respect.

Sometimes, you sit back and realize, “I deserve so much better than this”.