When you get to my age and most of your best years are behind you instead of ahead of you… it is a little easier to both appreciate what you have and to regret what you will never have again.
—Michael on Randomness and Disconnection
In this culture, we’re bred to believe that every step of our lives will affect the next one with dire consequences. If you don’t choose the right classes in grade 10, you’ll be stuck in something you don’t like in grade 11, and end up scoring poorly. If you score poorly in grade 11, you’ll limit your options for grade 12. If you don’t have the right classes in grade 12, you’ll have fewer universities from which to choose. So on and so on, until the C+ you got in history class means you’ll be mowing lawns for the rest of your life.
Maybe this is why I always feel like it’s too late.
I wish I never stopped learning piano, so I could have another medium to express myself. I wish I grew up learning Tai Chi, so it’d be more natural to me. I wish I bought a house sooner, so I could have capitalized on amortization in the rising housing market. I wish I had started contributing to my RRSPs at a younger age, so I could retire at the age I want. I wish I paid more attention in French class, so I could still use it as a language. I wish I had gone to therapy earlier, so I wouldn’t have messed up the relationships that mattered.
All these situations where I feel like I’m too old and passed the point where I can achieve something efficiently, or maximize my gains.
But then I see how happy some people are, who are twice my age, and haven’t planned for retirement yet. Or some who still live in an apartment, without a house or car for equity. Some are newly single at fifty, and dating, and happier than they’ve ever been (and here I am, thinking that I’ll be single for the rest of my life because everyone my age is already married). Even Lloyd, who just obtained his doctorate last year at 36, told me that one’s skills can take them anywhere, and that age is never a matter. I’m not sure if I believe that yet, but I’d sure like to.
It all makes me wonder: is it really too late? Are my best years really behind me?
Perhaps they’re not.
Catch the movie Harold and Maude if you haven’t to get more perspectives on age and how much time is worthwhile.
How funny it is that you blogged on this particular subject. Its been on my mind for the past few months as well. I am now finding myself in the situation of getting ready to begin life again at the age of 34. I have been married and had children, divorced and forced to move back in with my mother only to leave her to live with someone else. I have finally reached the conclusion that its time for me to take care of myself and not rely on others to catch me when I fall. I now feel like I should have felt at 18 when I walked out the door of my mothers house. Its scary and exciting and I’m beginning to believe the saying that life begins at 30. Took me a few years to get here but I’m getting there. Its all in how you look at things.
Wishes from the past are just ugly regrets in a pretty package. Regrets, and I have many, are scary things to put on paper. They lie there, staring you in the face in all their lines and rows and scream of lost opportunity. They’re there to flip back to, reread, agonize and obsess over. Be careful. They’ll consume you.
@Pearl — I’ve always wanted to see that movie! I found out about it from my wikipedia travels one day. It’s on my list.
@Lucy — And I think to myself, “If someone can pick up and start over at 30, being through divorce and kids, I have nothing to complain about”. I’m slowly discovering how true is the aphorism “Life is what you make it”. Scary and exciting in those situations must be delightful, a true sign that you get to start over.
@Jayme — Perhaps a distinction can be made between wishes and regrets. I generally don’t regret things, since I make the best decision for the time, but I certainly wish I was smart enough to know the right thing to do. Definitely a fine line when it comes to the past. In either case, you’re right in saying that they’re scary things to put on paper.
Hiya Jeff! I’m not certain but what I usually say is that the skills one develops through life can be taken anywhere. In other words no one can take your experiences or skills away from you. My PhD won’t take me anywhere, if anything its a big piece of lead in some ways but I would not, could not have avoided the processes and no one can take that away. Your talents are yours for all that entails. Someone once told me we are the sum total of our actions and inactions (I would expand that to include psychological experiences too). Sounds about right to me.
I’m going through a very difficult and emotional time right now, and I am also rehashing the thought that my best years are gone…that I should have done this grad school, tried harder with this guy, done this that and the other.
Recently I saw a movie where a character says “fortunately, we are not married to our past.”
So the past is past, learn from that, and know that you may not have this blog that inspires, lifts, engages and invigorates people if you had taken the piano. You may have been a mama’s boy if your family life were different. Who knows? But you’re not married to your past. So there you go.
And you’re not even thirty yet, so what’s this oldy oldness talk? Old is when you’re grumpy and unwilling and unable to accept change. Eff that Ess.
@Lloyd — Hmmm…I think I interpreted your words differently when I first heard them. Doesn’t mean they’re any less true though. I’m left wondering what the significance of my experiences and skills are at the moment, and if they make my life better at the moment.
The fact that you qualify “experiences” with the word “psychological” reveals the level of your scholastic background. :)
@Zaira — You’re dead right…instead of focusing on what I’m missing or what I should have done, I should be focusing on what I’ve been able to achieve already, which probably wouldn’t be possible had I not made those choices I did.
Perhaps age is more of a state-of-mind than I first realized. Thanks for helping me see this.
It all makes me wonder: is it really too late? Are my best years really behind me?
Perhaps they’re not.
I’d like to correct you by saying: Really, not.
Anything I read of you, anything I see of you (your art, your work, your words in which you reveal your heart), has ever been less than the last piece of you I’ve read or seen. I have only been following you for a little bit now, but I know that you are amazing and lovely and have been growing and progressing even more into a wonderful person.
So quit it, the whole doubt thing. Doubt sucks.
I meant “NEVER BEEN”… rather than “ever been.”
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Your best years are not behind you, if you make the committment to yourself to live your best life possible. I am a single woman at 39 years of age, never married (I was engaged when I was 23), no children, and I am finally starting to rediscover who I really am. I am now vowing to do things in my life that I put off when I was younger because the man (men) with whom I was involved didn’t want the same things as me: I have been hiking in Scotland for 2 years in a row (LOVE it), my goal is to live in France for 6–12 months to improve my French, and once again I am contemplating another career change. The things I regret are the things I never took the chance to do, but I am doing them now so it doesn’t matter. I hope I meet Mr. Right, and own my own home soon, but I am not judging my “progress” in life based on what I should “have” or “be” at 39. I am far more interesting and well traveled than most of my peers, and that is really what is important to me.
Find the real you, learn (read: rediscover) the essence of what makes you happy, and take it from there. Listen to your intuition and realize that you are exactly where you need to be — and that’s asking questions and re-evaluating. Have fun, for God’s sake, and enjoy where you are right now.
@Maeko — I would say that I had very little doubt before, but about the fact that things were too late. But now that I’ve read the things that people have said (including you), the doubt is in my mind, and this doubt is a very good thing.
@SpiritBeautifulRevolution — What you said that most sticks out in my mind is “The things I regret are the things I never took the chance to do, but I am doing them now so it doesn’t matter”. This is a great way to live, and a great attitude to have. I should try to to and have the same.
Darling! Your life has already gone so much better than mine. Don’t be silly. You’re very much on the way to a happy existence. Never fear, because you constantly check yourself, which is good.
It’s usually those un-self-aware ones who run hastily through daily nonsense without thinking at end up at the end with a big questionmark they’ve been stuffing behind their backs all their lives — those are the ones with problems in later years. They may have had their achievements in place, but it doesn’t mean they are happy.
I did my best to catch happiness but neglected the material aspects of life. Now I’m paying dues for that, but I’ve no regrets as to my actions except for being a bit too stupid here and there. If I had to make the choices again, would I have built a material empire at the expense of happiness? Never!.
I suppose that in saying that my life has already gone better than yours, it could also get worse, but that’s the cynical way of looking at it. Over-thinking has certainly given me more to worry about, but self-awareness at the same time. Perhaps all that one should really gain from over-thinking is the satisfaction that one makes the right decisions at the time with the information given, instead of regretting not thinking before acting.
It’s interesting that you weigh material vs. happiness. The consumerist nature of today’s society makes material=happiness. Certainly happiness is more important, even if it’s without material goods.