When I was young, the only affection my parents ever showed for each other was occasionally (maybe five times ever) holding hands in the car. They never kissed, never hugged, never said “I love you”. Aside from sitting down to eat dinner, their lives were completely separate. They wouldn’t even sleep in the same room.
Now that I have a car, holding hands while driving has come to define a relationship for me. I leave my right hand on the shifter, tapping it to the beat of my music, but I always have this urge to hold someone’s hand, as if it’s some strange ideal I’ve never been able to experience.
I was wondering if maybe you have issue with showing affection to people in your life since you weren’t witness to much as a child? I realize that I pull away from my own kids because I never saw much growing up. I’ve since made it a point to not be the first to let go when my daughter or my son hug me. I only hope that it won’t be a case of too little too late as they are 11 and 14.
They wouldn’t sleep in the same room? I know my parents weren’t the poster couple for affection either but the only times when they would sleep separately is when they would have a bigger argument than usual.
Odd though, I know the idea that people who are deprived of this kind of affection grow up to be parents who do the same thing. I have a feeling my parents are one of them as is and I suspect, my girlfriend (because her parents are also less than affectionate).
But I grew up craving for that physical affection. It may take me a while to get over the embarrassing bits in the beginning, but I always make a conscious effort to be touchy feelie with the people I care for. I always attributed it to never been held or shown to be loved much as a kid. I always feel like I’m making up for those times along with the eternal quest to find camaraderie and friendship among my peers.
I wonder which part is the normal route people take when deprived of affection when young.
@Lucy — I’ve never had an issue with showing affection myself. Not sure why, because I certainly didn’t recieve any when I was young. Actually, I can be a little bit smothering, perhaps I’m overcompensating in this way.
It’s great that you’re able to recognize your lack of affection in yourself. If there’s one thing we can do for the betterment of humanity, it’s to learn from our parents mistakes.
@Edrei — Yeah, not just separate beds, but separate rooms too. By North American standards it’s considered emasculating for males to crave physical affection (just as it is to cry). But that’s just what is dictated in the media. To be able to see past these silly standards means that you’ve become confident with who you are, and I’m sure those you care for appreciate it too. I can totally understand being very affectionate in my relationships, for exactly the same reason as you.
My childhood lack of physical affection made the early part of my life very confusing. I had come to learn that any physical contact was sexual, so it was a mixed signal when platonic friends would hug me, male or otherwise.
I don’t think there’s a normal route of development, as both circumstances and genetics play a part, but certainly more understandable reasons why we become the way we are when we have to deal with our own personal baggage.
I’ve never witnessed much affection in my growing-up years because my parents separated when I was 9 years old. But I can’t help but believe that it was because of that that I am now uncomfortable witnessing/showing affection in public.
But yeah, we do hold hands in the car, even if it’s a short (5 min) distance. And yeah, even if Mum’s sitting in the back seat (!!!).
I’m somewhat uncomfortable with public displays of affection as well. It’s always been strange to my girlfriends, and an odd mental block that I’ve never gotten over, even though I know how silly it is. Makes you realize how much our childhoods affect us.
WOW. Your parents were really just like mine, separate rooms, all of it. I remember only one occasion of them kissing in front of me before my father left in the morning, and that was after a huge fight the night before. I remember viewing that kiss with a kind of sickening feeling, because that meant that they were trying hard to stay together, and that they were in danger of flying apart at any moment.
When my father remarried, I felt somewhat odd, and yet happy for him, because he and his second wife were nothing like that. They held hands and kissed often. I guess he made the right decision, since they’ve been married about 33 years now.
Having your parents kiss as a warning sign must have been a scary thing indeed. I don’t think my parents ever did that, they would just go to bed or go to work with things unresolved. I’m not sure which one would be better.