Last class, Mike asked how I was doing, and as a somewhat phatic response, I told him I was doing well.
He told me, with a chuckle, that if he didn’t know me any better and went only by my writings, he would imagine me to be like Joe Btfsplk, with a perpetual rain cloud above my head.
So I went home and read through the last couple pages of my entries, and found that they painted a somewhat lugubrious picture.
I’ve always contended that happiness is too hard to write. When I feel like expressing myself, it’s often because of a problem of some sort, internal or external, that I need to figure out. Writing has always been a way for me to get my thoughts in line, and off my chest. Not much of a peaceful, detached, care-free Taoist, am I?
Perhaps I’ll always lead a Cohen-esque life, where love, sex, philosophy, and depression are the dominant themes.
The funny thing is that my life has improved tremendously after therapy. I used to be a very dark person. After gaining the stability of a house and a career, along with separation from my mother, not much else has changed. I’ve come to realize that it’s not so much the things in my life that’s improved in the last few years (aside from the struggle with anxiety), as my attitude. To be honest, I have nothing to complain about.
That doesn’t change the fact that my entries have been somewhat depressing.
Perhaps I’m still not truly happy yet.
Or perhaps I’m still not looking at things the right way.
It’s still different from having nothing to complain about. If you’re truly happy. You’ll know that you’re truly happy even when you’re down and depressed, you know you have a reason to part those clouds with the reason you have to be happy.
At the end, there is no right way or wrong way. There is only the way in which you walk the best. When you’re truly comfortable with that, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks. Then and only then can happiness or at least some measure of peace can be somewhere to be found.
A little depression makes you think, but a little joy goes a long way too. We need joy, which is not the same as happiness. Happiness is an emotion; joyfulness is a characteristic which transcends sadness. You can be joyful and sad at once, but you can’t be both happy and sad without alternating. Anyway, sounds like you’re making progress. Concentrate on even the smallest reasons to be grateful. Pay attention to someone else. Listen. Love. Forgive.
Diane L. Harris
http://www.steppingintothelight.net
Leonard Cohen apparently never had a shortage of hot women or fame so there are worse models for being “artsy” and “deep”.
As to life, the Lebanese philosopher/poet Kahlil Gibran said it well when he wrote: “Some of you say ‘Joy is greater than sorrow.’ and others say ‘Nay, sorrow is the greater.’ But I say unto you… Together they come and when one sits alone with you at your board; remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
It appears that Kahlil Gibran has Taoist inclinations :)
@Edrei — Your words ring true yet foreign to me. It’s difficult to say whether I’m truly happy or not; there isn’t any specific reason that I can focus on to pull me out of a depression, just a general feeling of complacency. Perhaps it’s an old habit of mine, where I’m always looking to improve, or for something better, and it’s simply going to take some time before I feel settled.
It’s always great to hear your opinion. As someone who suffered from the same sort of mental problems as I did, it’s a perspective I find to be both practical and refreshing.
@Diana L. Harris — While I appreciate your advice, I have to wonder if it’s somewhat generic and derivative. Like a fortune in a fortune cookie, it makes sense, but can be applied in many situations. I think if you understood my own situation a little more, you wouldn’t have written the things you did.
@Michael — Nowadays, I tend to judge a person not by what they have (female or otherwise) or what they’ve accomplished, but simply by how happy they are. It’s hard to tell if Cohen has found his happiness. Perhaps his becoming an ordained Rinzai Zen Buddhist monk was part of the search.
I’ve always admired Kahlil Gibran and his writings. They seem to transcend typical human ideas, as if he was thinking (and understanding) on a completely different plane.
@Uncle Joe — I tend to see a lot of Taoist influence everywhere, but now I think that it’s just the way of the universe. Taoist ideas are simply a description of those ways, instead of an influence. That’s one thing I love about Taoism; it’s so universal.
It’s something we have to know in ourselves. Whether we’re the type that is enduring misery or the type that’s comfortable with misery. It is in knowing the difference between those two that allows us to know what part of life we walk best by learning to appreciate.
Sometimes the world cannot tell us what’s truly bad. We have to define that for ourselves. We can’t all subscribe to the same idea of happiness. But we can at least look for it.
“Happy people don’t make history.“
Frankly I think anyone who’s happy all the time has to be blissfully unintelligent.
But that’s me.
Do I believe in being happy?
As deeply as I bleed.
P.S. Cheers to Canada, and to you, owner of the meaning of the word Phatic.
I also used to think that only the unintelligent were happy, until I met people I loved and admired, who are happy all the time. Quite difficult to achieve, as thinking tends to breed consciousness, which in turn breeds suffering.
They’ve given me an ideal to work towards.