The blinds are open so I can see outside.
Secretly, I hope a face from one of the windows will appear and look outside, someone who’s thinking the same thing, so that I may not be so alone. A way of comforting myself, when I’m by myself in this veneer of a house.
I’m not sure if it’s working.
We recently replaced our front door with a new one and we also had a storm screen door with a lock installed so that I can leave the door open and still feel safe. Since I was unable to do this before I find myself sometimes just standing in the door looking out at whatever is passing by. Not that much goes on, but I will see the kids from up the block riding their bikes and people using our street as a shortcut away from the main road. I’m sure if anybody really paid attention they would think I was completely bonkers!
As a child I always looked in people’s warm yellow lit windows from my evening walk down our street (streets were more safe then), marvelling at how everyone had their little perfect bubble worlds. Quite frequently I’d wonder why mine never felt like theirs and no one ever stopped to see the voyeur out on their sidewalk. It felt like being halfway up the stairs and halfway down; I didn’t feel I fit quite anywhere…and eventually came to find a peaceful distance in this feeling.
I’ve often wondered if that was a worse or a better way to adjust.
@Lucy — That’s interesting; I’ve never seen a screen door without a lock. The ones I have seen, however, are flimsy at best. And yes, that sounds like something a creepy neighbourhood stalker would do, but as a woman, I’m sure it isn’t viewed in the same light.
@Xibee — The “bubble” is a great analogy. When I see the lights in the windows, it’s always a different colour, from the glow of the TV set and whatever program they’re watching. It’s like the prismatic rainbow you see in a bubble.
I don’t think you were ever meant to feel like other people or fit in. That’s a good thing though. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have your unique perspective. And if you’ve found peace with it, that’s even better.