21 May 08
While my mother always made it a point to stay involved in my life (to a fault), it was never because she loved me. She’s not someone who’s emotionally intelligent enough to understand what love is.
She just loved the idea of a son, something “normal” people have.
Which is why she tries to cling to me so desperately, even when I try so vehemently to avoid her. It’s the same way that some men or women only love the idea of marriage, instead of their spouses. They’re relationships based on all the wrong reasons.
Realizing this has made me wonder; did I ever actually love my girlfriends, or did I just love the idea of love?
I’m not going to argue that your mom loves/loved you. Maybe you can sense something we cannot, and it is presumptuous for me to think I know otherwise. I dont’ like to think of mothers not loving their spawn, but….
All I know is that to love someone is to fall into an chasm of that person. It consumes. Love destroys while it creates. It’s like the song by kd lang. “You swim, swim through my veins, drown me in your rain.” it’s that rush you feel when you see them, smell them, think of moments with them and your body reacts.
So did you feel like that with your girlfriends? Like you wanted to envelope yourself in them….then maybe you got a moment of perfect love.
I know where you’re coming from. Okay, that’s a lie. I *think* I know where you’re coming from because I’ve experienced the same kind of relationship with my Mom where I could use a lot of the same sentences you did to describe it. But you know, I think we have to be careful to not confuse the idea of romantic love with an unconditional, familial piety kind of love. They’re very different.
I also avoid my mother. It’s not for good, but I’ve grown up the way where I did not have the choice of ever saying No to her because she made me responsible for her emotions. That’s a lot of baggage – and the kind that no one should ever carry. So I’m just busy getting to the place where I will be able to say No to her and let her know that if she has a problem with it it is just that – her problem and not mine.
Love is a different description for everyone-no two are alike. I am ashamed to admit that I love the giddy feelings at the beginning of relationships that evolve into the kind of love that means I will do anything and everything for you but become bored very quickly after the newness wears off. I question if I really know what it means to truly “love” someone. And because of a traumatic childhood, I’m very afraid to open myself up and allow the bad in along with the good.
I am positive that you loved your girlfriends in only a way you can explain it.
@Zaira — I’d say that with three of my girlfriends, I did feel something akin to that kind of rush when I saw them. As Lucy said above though, no two loves are alike. The feeling was distinctly different from relationship to relationship, but they were all special in their own way.
It’s the ones we love the most that have the ability to hurt us the most as well. The way love destroys while it creates is what makes love special.
@Esther — I’ve been told before not to compare romantic love with familial love, but I think love can be generalized, as all kinds of relationships can be generalized to a very basic and common level, whether it’s a your relationship with your boss, your spouse, or your friends.
There must have been a lot of guilt in your childhood. For me, it wasn’t so much guilt as overparenting. This made my way of saying “no” very easy, because I was constantly hurt. Cutting off my mother eventually became the easiest decision in my life. I wonder if it will be the same for you.
@Lucy — I become bored very quickly as well, although I’ve recently realized that this is a defence mechanism, rooted in the relationship I had with my parents. In the past, I’ve distanced myself from my girlfriends so that I wouldn’t get hurt in the long run, the way my parents would constantly hurt me. Perhaps this is what you face as well, from your own traumatic childhood.
Hmm, interesting description…”it’s that rush you feel when you see them, smell them, think of moments with them and your body reacts” —that can only be romantic love. No?
And there’s the “unconditional, familial piety kind of love” —more interesting description.
Sori I don’t know you, but I really luv ur website.
I thought I’d say something abt ur article. My mum is exactly the same as yours very clingy,very controlling and protective. I’m nearly 30, not quite am have lived with her most of my life. But now she is telling me to move out coz she doesn’t like my boyfriend who is my life. She calls him everything under the sun 24-7. I can’t take all da insults. She treats my other two siblings like kings. Me being the girl she treats me a inferior, which really frustrates me too. I’m a person too but she dismisses that.
Both my siblings have told me that I have to move out as ma mum is getting worse as she gets older. So that is what i am going to do. So I understand what you are going through. At least I’m really lucky I got a good long lasting partner and siblings 2 most people parents are everything, which is how I was, but now I’m going to find it tough widout my mum. But dat is lyf I guess.
I love ur website keep up the good work
@Uncle Joe — There’s certainly distinct difference between types of love. But I believe that love, or all relationships — romantic or not — can be generalized and compared.
For example, I think that filial love can be as unconditional as romantic love. It’s in a different way and based on a different foundation, but that quality of being unconditional is the same.
@Shabs — It sounds like your mom is somewhat similar to mine. When I found independence from mine and removed myself from such poisonous surroundings, my quality of life improved dramatically. I suspect yours will too when you do the same. I wish you the best.
EQ takes decades of learning to develop. Who knows what love is or life? No one I’ve met has all the scripts. Is X what love is is an amusing moot exercise but ultimately I think only the dance and rests matter.
“only the dance and rests matter”: great way of putting it. I suppose I don’t really know what love is (the very ineffable nature that makes it what it is), but I know what it isn’t, and that’s what has guided me this far.