I’ve learned to hide my emotions as well. It’s a defence mechanism where I can’t be hurt if I don’t give my parents (or other people) the opportunity to let me down. This causes the same problems though; “clamming up” makes us terrible communicators. Therapy is helping me fix this.

Perhaps it is exactly this messed up childhood that makes us connect. While far from being pure and untouched, I’m glad I’m able to make you feel less alone, as you’ve done the same for me. It’s funny that you say it’s me being male with these feelings and issues that gives them more significance, when it’s usually the cause of ridicule and me being considered effeminate.

I also remember a weekend in which I realized that I was actually very, VERY much alone in my own experience in life (I was perhaps 10) and I began crying and couldn’t stop. My parents, first my mother, attempting consolation, then showing worry, then showing annoyance, then feigning true concern, and finally calling in my father to tell me I had to stop, period, use some self-discipline, for heaven’s sake… I cried for about three days and didn’t sleep or eat and couldn’t lock my door, since there was no lock; they just kept coming in and asking why, and I could say nothing at all. I had nothing to say to them. If I offered the slightest weakness, it was always trumped, so I never offered the truth to them. And when I finally stopped from exhaustion they never went any further. Just, ok, that’s done, good.

Now when I’m criticized or found lacking, I can hide my reactions, but it’s still crippling. It makes me have the wrong assumptions, conclusions, ruins my life with its abnormality and my overboard reactions. Even now I’m fighting it. I have to fight me all the time. It’s so tiring, so hard to keep up with. I have felt like suicide more than a few times, but to actually get close to such a thing, I realize it is not my friend, and I will fare no better there than here. All in all, I’m very Dorothy Parker about it now. Might as well live.

For me, you are the gargantuan, ebullient promise of good. You make my experience valid, even your sucky messed up childhood. To me, you’re the pure and untouched, the familliar voice I have had to keep myself company with all these years, while doubting it was only me behind a curtain. You have no idea how comforting that is to me, even in print. And, though I probably shouldn’t say so, the fact that you are like this and are a guy rather than female, makes me all the more amazed and pleased. I should like to meet you one day, very much.

You’re right about my idea of love. I don’t show the need for help unless I really need it though; I never cry wolf, because that would make me a terrible friend. This is part of the reason why I’m insecure in my friendships. I feel like love is never shown to me. Unfortunately, my friends never ask for help either, so I feel like I have no way of “proving” or showing that I love them as well.

I believe that changing for someone is also a relative thing, something that can’t be defined, quantified, or compared. Even healthy, strong relationships take work, and this may come in the form change, because I don’t believe in a “soul mate” or a perfect partner. Relationships should have a balance between compromise (change) and acceptance.

Your idea of love seems to be in the subtlety of not asking for help and not accepting help from you friend when he/she offers help, but there must be the offer for love to exist. You wouldn’t accept the help because that way you wouldn’t be a good friend yourself. With this mentality, one would consciously or subconsciously show the need for help, without the actual need, just to prove to oneself that one is loved. That could be dangerous, that would be like “cry wolf “.

One really have to choose between the freedom of being single and the support from a relationship. But in real life, it’s about the degree of freedom vs. the degree of support, hoprfully they can strike a balance. This reminds me of the Taoist symbol where there’s the black in the white, and the white in the black. The question is, if a person is good enough for you to love, why would you want him/her to change for you?

I don’t expect my friends to drop everything when I want them to. I don’t even expect them to drop everything for me when I need them to. If I did, I wouldn’t be a very good friend. I think friendship and love is to never expect something from someone, but never having to ask for it as well, because it’s provided when needed.

What makes me sad is that I don’t feel important to my friends; the support I need isn’t provided unless it’s convenient for them.

I think you’re trying to oversimplify the issue. Being important “enough” isn’t something that can be clearly defined. It would be like defining the feeling of love. How would someone know that someone loves you? Can you tell because they buy presents for your birthday? Or because they listen to you when you need to talk to someone? Or because they cook for you without having to ask? If they stopped doing one of these things, would it mean that they don’t love you anymore?

And being important to someone I don’t respect doesn’t fulfill any needs of mine.

@Lucy — I try very hard to not depend on other people for my happiness, but often I find I’m not strong enough to achieve happiness for myself. As you say, it’s hard at times. Maybe it’s because I’m not happy with myself to begin with. It’s something I’m working to fix.

It’s true that life is full of change, but I think there are a few things, such as childhood and friendship, that should be solid and stable in order for us to grow.

Is being very important for someone you don’t respect enough to fulfill your need? Alternatively, what does important mean for someone you respect?

In your words, I read a bit about your own D/s tendencies between the lines. Just don’t kick yourself for falling for someone, even if you get hurt. There’s nothing more beautiful than being in love.

We walk the line between both worlds — that balance between the freedom of being single, and the support of a relationship — and we can’t figure out which one we want more, which is probably why we’re so undecided.

You’re right though, love doesn’t make sense. I guess that’s what makes it love.

@Sophia — I wish I could believe that people would care if I was gone, but their actions lead me to believe otherwise. Either that, or there hasn’t been a strong enough situation to prove such an idea.

A mother (of three) did tell me once that it’s harder on an only child, because all the hopes and dreams of children, all that pressure, is in one person. It’s definitely a pressure I felt when I was young, passed the point where I moved out of the house.

Yeah, the fleeting thoughts of “if I killed myself dadada” come to me too. But similarly, the moment I consciously think about it, it’s a great big cackling HAH!

I think self-sacrifice is too much nowadays. After I gave up so much of myself of someone who abused it (ex Roberto), I cannot let myself do the same again. But how I want to ADORE someone! I can’t bring myself to write it in my own journal just yet, but I had the chance to caress the skin of a beautiful boy, with an elegant script tattoo of “Willing” on his collarbone, and oh how much I would just like to sit around naked with him and talk about things and feel the weight of his muscles.

Unfortunately, that will never happen ever again. I’m kicking myself. It hurts. I knew nothing would come of a one-time thing, and yet I still have become SO attached. I can’t figure out why this happens. I don’t know what my ideal relationship would be now anyway. “Love” doesn’t make sense. I want flirtatious companionship, and yet I want to adore freely.

What on earth. Solidarity, yo.