19 Apr 08
John figured out that I don’t forgive people because my memory is too good.
And it’s true. Not only do I remember experiences, but emotions. It’s like I can relive every moment I’ve been hurt down to the smallest detail1. The pain remains strong and salient, years after the incidents have passed.
I’m sure it’s a defence mechanism of some kind. Harm avoidance, my therapist would call it.
While time may heal wounds for most, it doesn’t for me. I’m generally fine with this, since I believe that it should be actions and apologies that breed forgiveness, not time.
It’s only hard when I want to forgive someone, but I can’t.
- This works with the other extreme too; for me, being happy is just as vivid. [↑]
hm, don’t think the same is true for me. my memory is comical-level poor. but hurts are a special room in the head.
lots of food for thought there.
For certain things — such as history, politics, and geography — my memory is also terrible. I guess these subjects don’t mean as much to me as my everyday experiences. As you say, they’re a special room in my head.
The mundane we write off, but I agree, my memories would sustain me well if I were on a desert island or Mars or something…. very vivid in both directions, for better or worse.
I have learned to look at the hurt and forgive through it anyway, but it is not something that creates a stable, upright, strong person (at least not for me). Everyone THINKS you are strong, but inside there is still a crumpled child. Then when you actually scream, “BUT I’M A CRUMPLED CHILD BECAUSE OF YOU!”, everyone suddenly looks at you like sing jing bing!? WTF? and they really don’t believe you’re serious.
Memories being able to sustain you on a desert island is such a great way to put it.
To me, forgiving through the hurt doesn’t make sense. It seems contradictory. Like putting your hand on a hot stove and getting burned, then doing it again. Why put yourself out there to get hurt again?