And I keep hanging up.
The first thing she asks, nonchalantly like nothing has happened, is whether I’ve eaten yet. This is something thing she used to say at the beginning of every phone call. One of her old habits, to make sure I’m eating enough.
I didn’t answer her question, but asked what she wanted. She told me she just wanted to see how I was doing.
She doesn’t get it. I don’t want to talk to her. I never want to talk to her again. Every call is a reminder of the wounds that haven’t healed.
It’s like having your rapist show up at the door with flowers.
That’s pretty harsh dude. You need to resolve this at some point in your life. I don’t think the “never want to talk to you again” will work. Regardless of what they’ve done, they’re still your parents.
You seem to be doing pretty good for yourself right now. How about taking a big step and letting her be part of your life again ? What’s the worse that can happen ? You’re smarter now so you wouldn’t let yourself get hurt / abused / neglected again. It might be an opportunity to heal old wounds and move on.
Even if you doesn’t want to accept her actions, tell her your side of things and just leave them behind you for good. It’ll be better in the long run because you wouldn’t have to keep reminding yourself of what you went through.
The “they’re still your parents” argument holds no water with me. I have no sense of filial piety. This may be because I’m a Taoist, or the fact that I never actually felt like I was family around my parents. Besides, if your father murders your mother, brother, and wife do you have to forgive and accept him just because he’s your blood? There are no rules in this world, just as all is fair in love and war. To quote Onegin, “Why should one human be bound to another by an accident of birth?”
She knows exactly what she did wrong because I’ve told her. Very clearly and in simple terms. By not talking to her anymore, I have let it go. My life has been better from the simple fact that she’s out of my life. If you think I’m doing pretty well for myself now, part of it is because I no longer have her poison in my blood. I’m glad that I may come off as being smart enough not to be hurt/abused/neglected, but there’s a reason why I’m spending $600 a month in therapy right now and spiraling into debt. Trust me, this is money I’d rather not be spending.
I’m trying to leave things behind, but it’s she who keeps calling me. When I forget about her, my wounds heal. When she calls, my wounds open. This woman has mindfucked me, and any contact is a reminder of this. This is the worst that could happen, and it does.
Jeff, unless it is impossible to re-inform all your other other friends, contacts and business colleagues, just change and unlist your phone number.
While I feel sorry for your mom in a way (who even though she may have been destroying you obviously has no clue what she’s done to you), I understand your position completely.
She must stay away until you are so healed that she can’t hurt you, even with contact.
I hope she reads this and realizes the seriousness.
why not try blocking her number?
From what I gather, she’d be too proud to go to a friend or family members home, explain why she needs to use their phone and call you from another number.
It can always be unblocked, and should the time come when you want to bridge that gap, nothing says you can’t call her on your own terms when you’re good and ready.
@Xibee — I’d rather not change my phone number. Aside from the fact that I have business cards made and the like, I feel like I shouldn’t have to change any part of my life. It’s she who has to wake up and stop trying to contact me. You hit the nail on the head about it being better if she stayed away. Not that it would change anything, but it doesn’t exactly make her case any better when she calls.
@loo — I wouldn’t put it past her to go to someone else’s house to call me, so blocking her number wouldn’t solve anything. In either case, I’d be afraid that it would give her reason to show up at my door as the next step.
I hate to see people not get along with their parents, but I know how you feel. My brother has the ability to ignore my parents and not let them in on his life, but I feel bad about it. I know I probably shouldn’t, and no matter how much my parents have messed me up, in the end, I still can’t be mean to them because it makes me feel bad. I also hate how it makes me feel bad but I can’t help it. You’re right, it’s like a poison, but I try to avoid contact as much as possible. I don’t necessarily hang up on her, but I do try to end the conversation.
I’ll share my mom with you Jeff. :-)
*hugs*
@Sophia — I find that interesting, because I’ve seen you interact with your mom. I never would have been able to tell. The fact that you don’t like how you feel bad is definitely something to take note of. It’s a point I’ve been able to surpass, perhaps because my experience has been terrible enough. The way you describe your brother reminds me of Pat; someone who is strong enough to deal with his parents.
@Steve — I hope she can cook Chinese. :)
Actually I think my brother is a cop out when it comes to my parents. He is rude and unforgiving, and even though they messed up, in the end I think they did the best that they could and they’re good people. It would be different if they were malicious and did things to hurt us on purpose. I think they did it because they didn’t know any better.