equivocality » Blog Archive » An Unspoken Bond

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I met her a few times. She was nice. Quiet. I was one of the more junior students and she would occasionally give me words of encouragement.

But what endeared her to me was the way she interacted with him. A comfortable familiarity, an unspoken bond they never overtly displayed in public but kept hidden between them, a secret they shared as if to reveal it was to spoil it.

Sometimes, they’d talk about their kids. They were getting older. Getting married. Moving out.

When they found the cancer in her body, he suspended classes immediately. He told us we could find new teachers with his blessing. I looked up their address and sent a basket filled with pâté and dipping oils. That was over a year ago.

They buried her last Wednesday.

And as much as I’d like to do something, anything to make him feel better — offer my condolences, tell him he has an ear — there isn’t anything I can do. Nothing will make up for his loss.

Our bond will remain unspoken too.

3 comments — Follow the feed

#1amy

I hope you say SOMETHING to him.
As one who has lost a loved one (my mother) , the WORST is the feeling I get when nobody will acknowledge her absence. I have so many ‘friends’ who forget she’s gone, won’t talk about it, mention it, acknowledge it..it feels shitty…because she’s constantly in my thoughts (as is anyone who’s lost a loved one). Perhaps it’s fear..on the part of ‘friends’..afraid they’ll say the wrong thing or some other crap…it’s their own fear of death..in my opinion….

What I would like, in my life, if my friends and people around me acknowledged her death…said something; ‘you must really miss your mom’ or ‘your mom was a really great lady’ or ‘it must be hard for you with your mom gone’
but the silence is WAY more painful than any words comeing from ‘friends’

A bunch of my friends, upon the death of my mom, only sent me a bunch of flowers and a card ‘from the group’…not a single one of them has ever mentioned a word, face to face or on the phone, about her death….it’s like my pain ceases to exist, in their eyes…or they refuse to acknowledge it…dunno…but it’s harmed my friendships…how can I relate with them? when they are unwilling to relate with me??

So, I hope you say something….anything…any words are better than a card, a gift, or silence……

just my experience talking…

#2Jeff

I can see why someone would be afraid of saying the wrong thing. I don’t pretend it didn’t happen, but I don’t think it would be appropriate to mention it, given the level of our acquaintance. I think it’d be like digging up old graves. Maybe he’d just like to forget?

I think you’re right though. I should at least say one thing, to put the ball in his court and let him know that I acknowledge it. That way, if he’d like the support, he would know that he could talk to me.

What your “friends” did is quite appalling. A group basket is so impersonal. I liken it to sending you a text message about your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s taught me a lot.

#3amy

don’t be afraid to say the ‘wrong thing’… that’s silly…. mentioning the death/passing of a loved one is celebrating their existance..any words you say, with the intent to acknowledge or comfort…even if they come out awkward would still be appreciated by your friend/acquaintance..I’m sure… esp if you say or ask if it upsets them…
I know eveyone deals with grief differently..some try to ’stuff it’ and ignore it….but I think most people think of their loved ones who aren’t here..everyday..many times a day…
so acknowledgement is the kindest thing…. and to let them know if they ever want to talk about their loved one, or hear you talk about their loved one…that’s welcome too….

As far as your other post…your new one about your psychologist meetings…
from my perspective..it sounds like..you’re quit attached to your suffering…you say you NEED it to be creative… you want a relationship but value your FREEDOM…..
so, it seems you have a deep belief that a life free of most suffering and cretivity are mutually exclusive…same with being in a relationship and FREEDOM…you believe they are mutually exclusive too>??

when you’ve REALLY had enough suffering,…you will find ‘the way’ and ‘the light’ and a level of consciousness that FREE’s ‘you’ from suffering and pain…

when you’re ready…read; “A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle…his book points the way to a life full of joy, creativity, peace and real power.

and good luck with your ’shrink’ hope he/she is a ‘good’ one

cheers!