It does make a difference, but it’s not a one time cure-all. It’s a process that rebuilds what years wore away (like erosion). Something lost takes time to be regained. Going constantly to therapy is a lot better than trying pills. I had to combo it for awhile, but right now just the counseling helps. Talking to someone totally objective and unrelated to my life and someone who’s trained to see these sorts of problems in other people and give them suggestions and homework for fixing them.

Yes, I have homework. And yes, it does help. Am I cured? No. Am I fighting for a better me? You’re damn right.

I’m seeing help now. It’s amazing how wonderful it is to be able to see someone who can give you clear cut solutions, and to once a week feel refilled and revivified, and prepared to face the coming week.

And the revivification process begin to add up positives slowly that help things turn around.

Anxiety is crippling. It made me almost drop out of college at least four times the first two years of school, almost made me kill myself, made me ruin relationships… and it was tough going through the panic attacks and loneliness and heartbreak alone, even when I was with a man, because no one understood what i was going through. My parents–the people whom I needed the most–denied my illness and revoked my prescription coverage so I couldn’t get meds because they said they weren’t necessary and they didn’t want their daughter to become an addict…

I know what it is like to suffocate from all that.

You are taking the right steps. I send you my good thoughts.

-MK

PS. No matter how long it takes, I’d still like to hear your opinion on what I wrote you about.

@Pearl — It does make sense, although I’ve never met someone who’s felt “threatened” by such things, only concerned. I’m very glad that my friends fall into this latter category too. Being threatened by such things sounds rather ignorant.

People worry. Because it’s an “imbalance”, like a mental illness people back away feeling its contagious, and it can color how what you (generic grammatical sense of “you”) say is heard. In the context of worry, people interpret things with a skew so something innocuous may be given more weight. And people who are really sensitive may dread “causing” a person to tip over the edge, may get all weird or walk on eggshells. It’s like a discomfort factor, like stating you’re gay (again generic “you”) people may get weird and try to relate to things like a person like “you” would be interested in as a way of trying to relate instead of acting normal. Does that make any sense?

The thing is, being conscious of the dark side is different from embracing it. If you have to keep telling yourself that it doesn’t bother you, then you’re not yet embracing it. If you keep saying you don’t care, that means you do care. I know it’s not easy for me to understand your situation.

@Edrei — It’s amazing that I never would have thought of any of this about you from reading your blog. Embracing the darkness is certainly something I never thought of before.

Your explanation of people you know on medication is rather scary. In addition to the side-effects, I hear it tones down the emotions. While I understand that this is the purpose, I think I’d really miss the happy, euphoric days, and I’d lose much of my inspiration. Relying on medication to solve/run from a problem doesn’t seem right. I think it should be used to get one through the day, so that one can live a “normal” life.

In a way, I do carry a reminder of the dark side of my life in the form of a black and steel ring that I wear. I can understand that for you this is a way to accept yourself and these thoughts. Perhaps I can try this as well. If it’s helped you, it may very well help me.

To me at least, it isn’t about taking the world on the outside and conforming yourself to it. It’s about taking you yourself and making the rest of the world conform to you. That’s why it isn’t the least bit strange to me. It makes sense in that madness and I don’t think I can be comfortable being anyone else but me.

The people in my life who take medication are…alright. That’s the thing. They are normal. They have lost that spark, that sense of self and instead rely on medication to solve their problems. It has become a way for them to run away from their problems rather than facing, understanding and embracing who they are.

I guess maybe for me, my reasons are…sort of…etched into my skin. The scars from my own self-cutting. Not that I suggest you should start it. But at least carry with you a physical reminder for those dark nights. They help keep the conviction. Or at least they help me. It might help you.

With me it’s been a learning self, a matter of self-trust when what-if racing thought taking over. The threat is from escalating one’s own thoughts over how easy it would be to act and game over.

It’s a matter for me of remembering distraction strategies and even using a measure of self-mockery, taking a bored stance to self. Head conversation: Sure, that old thing again. Fine, thrash yourself out if that’s what you’ve gotta do, meanwhile this part of my mind and body are going to do this task, or take a nap or do meditation but wait out you noisy-head-chaos-rant-bit. It’s a heady bully of thought direction that likes to rattle the chain.

Yes suicide thoughts can be threatening, especially to others. Therapy directly probably would help. I’ve though medicine might be a stop-gap but a measure of DBT tools can assist too.