An hour to the new year, and I’m in the train station.
Trying not to throw up. Trying not to think about meeting new people. Trying not to think of having to see people I hate.
One of the station doors is propped open, but there isn’t a single person inside. The station, normally bustling, is empty, with just the buzz of the lights to fill the empty space. Not even a waiting taxi outside. Everything sterile as a hospital. I wanted to take a picture, but I could barely move, so I pulled out my notebook and managed to scribble two words:
Another debilitating panic attack.
Pat and Jen’s party was postponed, so I had already decided to stay home. It was ten when Aaron called me to go over1.
Halfway through the bus ride, I was filled with a sudden rush of anxiety. Maybe it was the people on the bus, or the fact that I wasn’t mentally prepared to be at a party. I couldn’t breathe, yet I was hyperventilating.
I had to get off at the next stop, which turned out to be the train station. As I sat inside, the anxiety would pass in a couple minutes, then come back in a wave as strong as before. I called Aaron and told him I was going to head home, but he insisted, so he sent Rob and Doug to pick me up.
I arrived drained and exhausted. It was a hellish night.
I can only hope the rest of the year goes better than this.
- The only way I found out about the New Year’s party was from Rob’s comment. Aaron never told me about it himself, so I wasn’t going to presume that I was invited, because I never take my friendships for granted. [↑]
harsh!
I’ve had some anxiety attacks in the past (when I was feeling completely overwhelmed) but nothing to the point of fighting nausea.
Interesting how the mind/body ‘plays’ tricks on you…cause in ‘reality’ there was nothing around to threaten your life, but yet your body reacts like it’s life or death.
read any Tolle yet?
i’ve read everything I could get my hands on by Eckhart Tolle, then moved on to Deepak Chopra. His books, “Synchrodestiny” and “How to know god” and “power freedom and grace” are also on my ALL TIME best books list.…along with Tolle, and Hawkins.
these books have really helped me, this past year.…
you should go to your library and check them out!
no snow here, but we did have a lovely snowfall on christmas DAY!!!!!
happy new year!!
Interesting. I always think to myself, I’m just fine, I’ve dealt with such things, I’m just fine. Then it comes out on my skin instead of a hyperventillation attack like yours.… wierd bumps, spots, incredible itching, you name it…
Yours being more acute presents more difficult challenges immediately. Mine just turns me ugly and then I end up having to explain to some pedicure person that they have no cause to freak out themselves.…
I don’t like all this aloneness for you. It doesn’t serve you well.
I’m curious to know what you find actually helps you when these things hit — I want to know what has the best result, if I need to comfort someone. Do I leave them alone? Stay with them? Offer anything distracting? Back off? What helps?.
@amy — I’m currently going through an assortment of Taoist literature, but Tolle is still on the horizon. I thought that Taoism helped cure me of my panic attacks, but I suppose it was just a while since my last one (or maybe it’s helped, instead of cured me). And I’ve heard much about Chopra, so he’s on the list as well.
Snowfall on Christmas day makes it all worth it.
@xibee — I wish I could rationalize the situation during a panic attack, but nothing makes sense, even logic.
During this most recent attack, I realized that I need a friend available to me all the time, yet not making a big deal about it, caring but not worried. Certainly a delicate balance, like walking a tightrope, and too much either way can set you off. And I’m certainly not in the mood for any kind of joking.
Tolle seems to offer quite practical (not mere theories) ways to cope with anxiety.
Backing off may cause the feeling of lack of care. Staying with the subject may make him become dependent. I would go for distraction. Whenever I feel physical discomfort I would do something I enjoy doing, that’s distraction. Doesn’t Tolle talk about concentrating on “now” when one is anxious about future unknowns?
Distraction definitely helps. For me, it’s playing a game. No matter what kind of pain I’m in, playing a game can completely remove me from the situation, and it’s the only thing that works.
Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about Tolle, so I can’t answer your questions, but perhaps Amy can.
Tolle, is all about NOW.…
so if you’re in a ‘state’ , he’d probably say something like: go to your body, be aware , be the silent observer of yourself as you watch your ego ‘act out’ or ‘react’ ‚just stay with it…don’t try to escape, or distract..but be aware…for instance..or in this instant..be aware of how such anxiety manifests in your body..do you sweat, tremble…WATCH as your mind races, heart races..FEEL it, but don’t identify with it..that’s not YOU (he’d say it was your ‘painbody’)…how does the anxiety show it’s self…that’s staying in the NOW..but be careful not to draw judgements or conclusions..it is what it is…but staying present and aware is they key.
something along those lines. I’ve read alot of Tolle, but I’m not claiming to be an expert..I too, often remind myself to just watch my ego (painbody) react, act out, and remind myself NOT to judge myself, just embrace this moment…because that is all there IS..right now..
Chopra would probably say something similar about staying aware of how everything manifests in your body. the body is the conduit between this 3 dimension time/space world of form and the realm of nonlocal UBER intellgience that is spirit.
I’ve also begun read some on Tao…the tao master Mantak Chia. My own ‘guru’ told me of him and how he’s revealing tao ‘secrets’ giving insight into ancient knowledge.….MOST fascinating stuff!!
That’s interesting, because I feel like Taoism teaches the complete opposite of being aware of your state. We’re supposed to forget everything and not analyze, because it’s pointless to do so.
I don’t trust Mantak Chia myself. I’ve glimpsed at some of his works, and he seems very commercial. Also, I’m not sure if I believe in Tao “secrets”.
The first time I read the Tao it was like a flower of bliss opening within me. This reading came on the heel of a couple other books which led me to it. Regardless of the translation, there is infinite wisdom in the Tao.
Having said that, it is no answer. It shows you a Path. YOU are the answer. You are the path. I don’t follow your blog regularly, but when I’m here I always enjoy what I find. I don’t know where you are on your journey toward freedom from the anxiety you experience. If you haven’t yet, I strongly recommend looking into meditation and mindfulness — even if your spiritual leanings don’t tend toward Buddhism. A great “starter” book is Thich Nhat Hanh’s “The Miracle of Mindfulness.”
Skip Tolle and Chopra for now. Return to them if you like. Read Thich Nhat Hanh’s book.
Namaste.
You’re absolutely right Michael. I’ve been looking for an answer in philosophy or religion, but with Taoism the answer has always been myself. Funny that I never realized it until you explained it.
Thanks for your recommendation, I’ll be sure to check out “The Miracle of Mindfulness”.