Oh my God, did I just say that out loud?
Should’ve known this was the kind of place
That that sort of thing just wasn’t allowed
…
And look at me now up here running my mouth
I just open it up and see what comes running out

Well here it comes…

Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit about that fuck
Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit about that fuck
Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit
Like I give a fuck
Like I give a fuck
LIKE I GIVE A FUCK
LIKE I GIVE A SHIT
LIKE I GIVE A FUCK

—!!!, Pardon My Freedom

This is me without boundaries.

This is the truth. My truth. My honesty in it’s purest form, including my opinion and bias.

Often, there are things said that people don’t want to hear, or don’t want to know. I never apologize for what I say because my opinions are never forced on others. No one has to come here and read what I say.

There are two rules: I never say anything here that I can’t say to someone’s face, and I never give away someone else’s private information.¹

Other than that, I’ll never censor myself for the sake of others.

1. ”Private” is to my discretion, of course. [↑]

I’m facing the very tangible possibility that I’ll be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I’ll survive. The strange part is that I feel like I was meant to be in a relationship. Quixotic ideas and romantic ideals have always pointed me in that direction, but either the right person hasn’t come along, or they’re taken.

At the same time, I wonder if I can be in another relationship. I’ve grown so accustomed to living alone, having things exactly my way, with time to work on my projects. No maintenance, as it were. How I do enjoy the freedom.

One situation isn’t better than the other, of course. Both have their pros and cons.

Still.

The quick acknowledgment of love in the form of a peck, or the intimacy of a make-out session.

Has the winter brought this feeling? Has the sight of snow and snowfall reminded me of how frigid the nights can be when you’re by yourself?

Or maybe it’s from being single for this long.

With a tone of genuine concern, as if I was being consumed by some disease, Abdallah told me he noticed I was getting thinner. Perhaps this is true. I was recovering from an episode of IBS, and controlling my food intake. Maybe its my sets of narrow, flared pants I’ve been wearing lately on Julie’s suggestion¹.

Louise tells people I don’t eat a lot, which is true only when we’re out ², and is also the only time she’s seen me eat. It makes me even more ill at ease when I’m already feeling unattractive, as if it was my fault and I wasn’t doing enough about it. Others will comment about the size of my waist, or make a passing remark about how they wish they had my metabolism.

According to my doctor, I’m average weight — the average being a range, with me being near the bottom. I know this, but it doesn’t make it easier. Bronwen once told me that I have a weight issue, and after thinking about it for a while, I realized that it was true. Even though it’s something I can joke about, it’s still a source of self-consciousness, leading back to memories of my parents telling me that no one will love me if I’m this size forever.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get over it.

1. Her theory is that baggy pants do nothing to hide thin limbs and make skinny people look even skinnier. [↑]
2. Usually because I don’t like to be too full when I’m out. [↑]

Maybe it was the exhaustion making me hyperactive and all WOOOOOOOOOOO this morning. Maybe it was the weather on my side, trying to bury the city in 40cm of snow, telling me to forget everything else. On seeing myself in the mirror, I started to have one of those Strung Out, Matchbook moments while shaving. You know, the part that goes

I just comb my hair and wash my face
Keep straight ahead and keep my pace
Just think about nothing and my life’ll be alright
Well I got my friends, I got my pen
I got a million distractions to keep me warm
And all I know is that I’ll be alright, that I’ll be alright

And while it’s getting so busy that I can’t keep track of everything, it’s also nice to be distracted. I can keep these thoughts in the back of my head, and bring them out when I need them. Almost like I’m in total control of it all, while it continually verges on the peak of instability.

Maybe it’s the instability I thrive on, a way of feeling like my life isn’t stagnant. That way, I’m not in a rut, devoid of inspiration.

So yeah. I think it’s making me hyper.

Those who rule in accordance with Tao do not use force against the world
For that which is forced is likely to return

—Verse 30, Tao Te Ching

I may know better, I may understand what I’m supposed to accept, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Sometimes the world is crashing down around you, and all you can do is watch.

Because you can’t yell at the sky to keep it from falling.