biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn’t failed to follow so farand you might say it’s self-indulgent
and you might say it’s self-destructive
but, you see, it’s more productive
than if i were to be happy
—The Dresden Dolls, Bad Habit
I was jittery and nervous all day.
Several new developments have left me with a lack of resolution. People to meet, presents to give, pictures to take, responsibilities to fulfill. And as much as I try not to think about it, it’s in my nature to do so.
I still haven’t gotten passed this feeling. Still don’t know if I want to. Still don’t even know what it is. All I know is that it’s making me manic.
I can only write this at night. When I’m falling asleep and off my guard, sitting on my chaise, with the curtains drawn and the window open to the winter air.
Now I feel like writing, but I don’t even know what to say. Everything’s too jumbled for me to decide whether I’m happy or sad. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s one because of the other. Life, at the moment, is so bittersweet.
Wonderfully bittersweet, that’s what it is.
Sometimes when I feel pent and want to get something written, I go back to the idea of just keep typing whether its sense or not, just turn off the mental monitor. Gleaning back over after the long ramble, I can see what it’s about. Or see that its just a case of feelings happen. It’s a random mash-up of body states. There is no core, no underpinnings and already the nebulous cloud is moving off.
Had I mentioned to you before Kyle Cassidy’s photo shoot of the Dresden Dolls? http://www.kylecassidy.com/pix/portfolio/index.html
I do the stream-of-consciousness thing every now and then too. It’s difficult to post that stuff though, cause it’s too chaotic. Perhaps I can make a new blog that only features that kind of writing. To me, expression should have a coherent point. Otherwise, it’s not satisfying.
And I’ve seen a couple of those shots on the Dresden Dolls website before, but not all of them. Quite amazing the way he gets those levitating shots. What a find!