Oh my God, did I just say that out loud?
Should’ve known this was the kind of place
That that sort of thing just wasn’t allowed
…
And look at me now up here running my mouth
I just open it up and see what comes running outWell here it comes…
Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit about that fuck
Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit about that fuck
Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit
Like I give a fuck
Like I give a fuck
LIKE I GIVE A FUCK
LIKE I GIVE A SHIT
LIKE I GIVE A FUCK
—!!!, Pardon My Freedom
This is me without boundaries.
This is the truth. My truth. My honesty in it’s purest form, including my opinion and bias.
Often, there are things said that people don’t want to hear, or don’t want to know. I never apologize for what I say because my opinions are never forced on others. No one has to come here and read what I say.
There are two rules: I never say anything here that I can’t say to someone’s face, and I never give away someone else’s private information.1
Other than that, I’ll never censor myself for the sake of others.
- “Private” is to my discretion, of course. [↑]
At first, I was taken aback by the post, but I sat and reflected on it a bit and realized that those feelings were because my default assumption is that honesty necessarily entails being callous.
With a post that has the potential to hurt the feelings of a reader, (if it is specifically about them) are they justified in feeling hurt? The bias I bring to the issue comes from an experience with an ex who posted things that were both factually incorrect about my family and simply hurtful, stories that I felt weren’t hers to tell. I struggle with this question as I know it is different for everyone, but I’m interested in your perspective on no censorship but also where compassion may also fit into that.
To me, honesty is honesty. Sure, you can be curt, you can lack tact, but it’s still the truth. When I write, I try to be as objective as possible. There’s no room for callousness (as you so impressively came to realize). There’s still bias that I can’t remove from myself, but one can only do so much.
In many cases though, the truth hurts. People don’t like to admit it to themselves, so they lash out at you when you bring it to their attention.
Being “justified” about feeling hurt is a complicated issue, because you have to take intent into account. But often, people will be hurt whether you intended such results or not. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter. I don’t write to make friends or enemies, I don’t write to hurt or flatter people, I write to express myself. The feelings of the reader are somewhat unrelated.
I’ve been in a situation similar to yours where an ex would see things that were factually incorrect. As difficult as it can be, I’ve learned to let that go. Even if yours wasn’t writing about you maliciously, it’s her problem, not yours. I believe that we all have a right to tell our sides of a story; she does as much as you do. Who is actually right becomes irrelevant because you’ll never agree, and there are no absolute truths (my Taoist side coming out on that last point). But if you know your truth in your heart, what can she say to hurt you?
Compassion fits in when there are friends involved. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt mine. If this means that I have to censor myself for the sake of their feelings, or 3rd parties involved in our friendship, then I will. I’m willing to give up that part of me.
Awesome comment.
As I read your response, I just found myself nodding, but also with a small knot in the pit of my stomach that I’ll try my best to articulate.
I think the part that I will take with me and probably revisit should I encounter a similar situation is:
Something I’m turning over in my mind is that if I know the truth in my heart, I may be free from that concern, but what about other people who are hurt by that same situation? An ideal situation is that two parties walk away with their own version of truth, even if one person carries things that are just factually incorrect. But in the instance of a public forum, the factually incorrect things can take on a different life, becoming integrated into the truths of others. My hope is that they would seek a broader understanding of the situation, but I imagine my interactions with some people would be changed as a result.
And yeah, I messed up on the citing thing again. Sigh. This is what I’ll be taking away:
Fixed your tag again. :)
And you’re absolutely right in believing that expressing our versions of events in public has a chance to alter other people’s perceptions. But I’ve always believed that the onus is on each (3rd party) individual to do their own research to figure out which version of the truth to believe, by getting both sides of the story. Sometimes the truth is a mixture of both. I don’t like it when people assume I’m at fault just because someone else tells them I am, so I try to treat other people with more respect, because often it’s some misunderstanding or just someone who doesn’t like me to begin with. I rarely trust second-hand information; I wait to see things with my own eyes before believing them.
The sad part is that as much as this works in theory, most people don’t do such things. They listen to gossip, or popular opinion. They believe anything that people tell them, so often the first person who says something will alter their views. I’ve written many people off, as a result of their inability to see things objectively.
It’s very difficult to let a situation like this go, especially when we feel like an injustice is being done from harmful words, but I find it’s better in the end if you’re able to do so. I’ve been in a situation where many people believe me to be at fault, because they didn’t bother to get my side of the story, when I know that I’m not. However, to speak out against them, or even to simply explain myself, would only make matters worse. I’ve learned to bite my tongue, and understand that it’s not my problem (and to never socialize with these people). A rather enlightening way to live, if it can be done.
Your situation reminds me of this story I read recently, and this has guided me through many disagreements. It’s a Zen Koan, but I found it was similar to a Taoist line: “A strong argument needs no words”. Perhaps you may find the same guidance in it. I found the most significant part to be the line “he lost his reputation, but this did not trouble him”. When we can let go of reputation, we let go of what people think of us, and become free from these conflicts of “truth”. The goal is to be like the Zen master Hakuin.