This is one of the strangest times of my life. I remember feeling something similar to this over four years ago, but I haven’t had it since.
I’m fighting my old self again. Fighting against these feelings and past habits.
I wish I could define and explain it. Vincent Gallo has a song he titled “Glad To Be Unhappy”, filled his distinctly minimalistic piano and acoustic guitar sounds, so sparse you don’t know where the downbeat falls. But there are no lyrics, and I think I’m starting to understand why.
Everything is so simple when you’re set in your heart. But when you’re filled with such paradoxical, contradictory feelings, nothing makes any sense. The world is turned upside down.
I think a part of me wants to think about it. I want to keep this feeling, where every song sounds as good as the first time you heard it, and the leaden sky is urging you forward with every step you take. To be so inspired.
And while part of me knows that to fight against ones inner nature is foolish2, another part of me knows how destructive it can be.
- The original title of that post was actually just a 5x5 pixel square, meant to confuse the reader into not knowing what to think. Trolley tried to correct me once and told me the title was broken, and I had to let him know it was done on purpose. With my new headline images plugin, the graphic title doesn’t quite work so I had to change it. [↑]
- To add another level to this, I’m fighting against fighting myself [↑]
A couple of weeks ago at work, I remember reading through a lot of your past entries… The early ones, the ones that were written when you first started this blog… For some reason, because of the state of mind I was in at the time (some blind and euphoric state of bliss), it made me forget what it was like to have the whole “familiar feelings” that you speak of… and reading through your entries made me miss those feelings… and in a weird way, miss seeing that in you…
I remember you saying to me at one point how when you read back on your early entries you’d think: “god.. I was so emo” and as I remembered that quote I was skimming through the titles and read “STFU” and I coulnd’t help but laugh out loud.. just realizing how things used to be so different… for the both of us… but it also made me feel really glad and really happy for you, just knowing that you’ve changed for the better so much since those times… it just makes me happy knowing that you’ve gone through all that shit already and have been able to achieve the cerebral and blissful state of contentment that you are in right now
Those old feelings certainly have their advantages. Maybe it should be accepted that we have them every now and then. Everything in moderation, as Taoism teaches.
Sometimes I read back on my old entries too. On occasion, an entry will be really embarrassing, but at the same time, it shows how much I’ve changed for the better. How much we’ve changed since then.