I'm Up // equivocality

Yes, I’m up again. Not even, but up.

I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t think straight when lacking sleep. I get very grumpy, and Bronwen knows not to get in my way when that happens (and not to call me “Mr. Grumpykins“). Still, even with enough sleep, I don’t think it would have changed how I was feeling.

So I picked myself up by reading the parables of Chuang Tzŭ¹. Though it’s still well beyond my grasp, I’m slowly learning how to achieve utter emptiness and single-minded stillness.

I like to think that I’m aware enough to know that I’m not deluding myself into this state-of-mind.

Sometimes I wonder if I sound like a born-again Christian, only with Taoism. One of those people who gets preachy, where everything they say relates to their new-found faith. It’s as if my brain processes everything through a Tao filter, and I see everything in a different way. I try to be conscious of it in conversation, to avoid boring someone who wouldn’t really understand anyway, but I can’t help but write about it here.

Nevertheless, I feel enlightened, though still human²; I’m not sure if I’ll get the rug pulled out from under me again. It’s a strange feeling. In this mindset, it’s as if nothing can stop you. Until something happens.

Part of me wishes I wasn’t feeling this high. That I was more even, like Pat. It’s a balance of emotion that I seek, not the dramatic ups and downs. I’ll be content when I can achieve that.

Hence it is paradoxically said, “Perfect happiness is to be without happiness; the highest praise is to be without praise”.

Dave helped talk some sense into me as well. I think part of my recovery was that our discussion led me to feel as if he’s a kindred spirit. [↑]
When looking back on this entry, I realized that I wrote about picking myself up twice in one month. I don’t even remember writing it the first time. [↑]

6 comments — Follow the feed

#1joe

I remember there was this client who almost called my boss to have me remove from his project. And there was another client who told my boss that I was the only competent person in the team. From that point on, I never felt drastic ups and downs. Like you say, “Perfect happiness is to be without happiness; the highest praise is to be without praise”.

#2Maeko

There is no darkness, only the absence of light.

#3Jeff

@Uncle Joe — From your single experience, it sounds like you learned that there are no absolute truths, which is an accepted concept in Taoism. I wish I personally could have so easily discovered and understood such an idea, but it doesn’t come as naturally. I’m not completely “empty” yet.

I can’t take credit for the quote, it’s actually from my book, The Tao, by Mark Forstater, though he was quoting someone else. Most likely Chuang Tzu, I’d say.

@Maeko — An interesting idea. Not so easy to accept when looking at it on a practical level, but definitely true.

#4joe

I guess the build-up was there, and the incidents acted as catalysts.

#5Jeff

You see…the build-up wasn’t quite there for me. I still find myself struggling with a few of these ideas. Would you consider yourself more of a Taoist, now that you know this?

#6joe

I can say Taoism is one of my many beliefs…you almost got me, haha.