26 Jul 07
Sometimes I feel like I don’t offer anything to Pat. I call him for advice all the time, ask him to give me rides (groceries, furniture, large items on which he bargains), vent to him. He grew up relying on nobody but himself, so he never asks me for any favours, and I suppose he has Jen with whom to express his feelings.
Maybe this is the root of my insecurity. Pat’s friendship with me appears diluted. We’d both take a bullet for our friends, but mine is a far more exclusive club than his.
Pat doesn’t need me.
But I need him.
maybe its you needing pat that makes pat happy nothing feels better then being needed
The thing is, you have the proof of the bond between you, since he actually does all those things for you (and you being a sensitive-enough guy would know that he does it willingly). That’s such a great underlined confirmation of commitment.
If he didn’t do those things, then I’d worry about imbalance. Otherwise, you should just be there if he ever needs you and leave it at that. -Breathe.-
Rob makes a good point. Being needed and useful is a need that requires someone to fulfil, like glove and hand. At the same time, perfect balanced turnabout of role, reciprocity in that way, is easier for me.
I think of the story of the old couple. The wife cooked and cleaned all their lives until her loss of health and then it was his turn to carry her in these things. Things balance out if the long haul is long enough.
@Rob — You’re absolutely right in saying that it’s nice to be needed (hence, important or significant), but Pat is far from being insecure. He doesn’t need someone else to define his self-worth. On the other hand, I’m insecure because he’s never shown that I’m necessary. From growing up with my cold parents, I’ve come to need this assurance from other people in all my relationships. I must make Pat happy in some way that I don’t realize.
@xibee — While I agree that it’s nice that Pat does all these things for me, I can’t help but feel that he would do them for many other people as well, many of whom I would never consider friends, let alone help. I suppose it makes me feel like the gesture is less significant. Not that it’s not significant in itself, but less significant than my “gestures” since I’m only willing to do these things for the few who are accepted into my circle. These things shouldn’t be compared, but that’s my insecurity talking.
And I’ve come to accept my role as the “friend-in-waiting”. The friend who will always be there when needed, but so far, that day hasn’t come.
@Pearl — You bring up a good point about the long haul. I don’t believe that Pat is doing this as a long-term friendship investment though, he does it cause he’s a nice guy. For people like Pat (and this is rare), they do a good deed for the sake of doing it, not because they expect it to be reciprocated and you owing of them. Of course, because these people are so unselfish, it makes me want to do even more for them.
A bunch of great comments from you guys! They created even more topics for discussion that are beyond than the scope of my initial entry.
I didn’t mean to suggest he or anyone would do it as an investment, but just that, as life plays out, short-term circumstances change.