I met a girl across the sea
Her hair the gold that gold can be
Are you the teacher of the heart?
Yes, but not for thee
So I asked out Jenn.
I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise; Jenn’s been — perhaps unwittingly — a source of quixotic inspiration as of late.
It was something I approached delicately, out of a sense of propriety (if indeed, such a thing still exists), and the fact that Aaron and Karen are our close mutual friends. An avowal of such a nature, handled incorrectly, always has the potential to be a cause of awkwardness at parties.
Not that I wasn’t already awkward enough around her.
Jenn’s presence alone would make me flustered. When I could speak, it would often be a flourish of nonsensical words. Something that’s humourous in hindsight, but rather frustrating in the moment.
To be so affected always took me by surprise.
And it worked, for a while. I moved on, having convinced myself of such an idea, never telling anyone how I felt. Then one day, I realized that I was only fooling myself. It became obvious when I’d think of her in the lyrics of every song. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t need to defend some part of myself from her. Until then, I never believed in love at first sight. I didn’t want to believe it. After all, how do you explain such an illogical, ineffable, irrepressible feeling? I grew, but not out of this, and in vain had I struggled.
She said no.
It’s funny to think that with the wisdom I’ve gained, the experiences I’ve had, I can still be reduced to such an adolescent emotion. I don’t think anyone, myself included, would have imagined this would happen to me again, not at this age, not with what I’ve been through.
I just wonder now, when we’re both at Aaron and Karen’s wedding, after giving me her polite declination, whether I’ll still feel the same. Sometimes you think you’ve moved on. You think you’re over someone, until you do something as simple as see them again and your heart stops. Love, attraction, infatuation, they’re never so conventional as to be understood.
What a silly thing a crush is.
Not more than a few weeks ago I found that the lady I had feelings for felt the same way, but nothing has come of it. She’s unwilling to commit due to the geographical distance between us that that she has more urgent priorities in her life at the moment. Namely work.
This is hugely saddening, knowing there’s someone so suited and company so enjoyable, but you simply cannot have her.
The whole thing came about after she read two of my blog entries that detail how I was progressively persuading myself to ignore the situation and close of my feelings for her:
Positive: http://www.craigknott.co.uk/?p=140
Negative: http://www.craigknott.co.uk/?p=145
I sympathise wholeheartedly.
Hi Jeff.
Since I’m mentioned by name on this blog, and we have some mutual friends (including one who pointed me here), I’d like to take this commenting opportunity to clear some things up for your readers. First, I am involved with someone. Second, if I don’t move to California within the next 5 to 6 weeks, I am moving to Australia in November/December. I do have a lot of reasons for saying “no.”