equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
30 May 07

A Weekend with Darren

I had Darren over from Toronto for the week­end. We were going to do a movie marathon at the the­atre — three in a day — but the movies all sucked. Disturbia? Georgia Rule? Please. Instead, I bought the first sea­son of Six Feet Under, and we fin­ished the roughly 11 hour sea­son over two days. Now I can re-watch it with Bronwen and lend it to Pat. To be hon­est, I’d seen up to the sec­ond sea­son before, but I was too stoned to remem­ber most of it.

Thumbnail: Air-tight tea container

Thumbnail: Chai tea

Darren also gave me a nice tea con­tainer. It’s rather large, since I buy my tea 50mg at a time, but bet­ter too big than too small. He also got me some chai tea, con­sid­ered a well­ness blend. When I asked him what for, he couldn’t give me a rea­son. I love gifts for no reason.


We shared our tat­too ideas, and his was the Chinese char­ac­ter for love on his back. Darren and Bronwen are the some of the few peo­ple I can talk openly with about love. We’re such hope­less roman­tics. We tell each other that we’ll never be mar­ried, not to be self-depracating, but to be hon­est with our­selves. We have our ideals, and we’ll never set­tle for any­thing less. It’s com­fort­ing to know that we’re not alone in our quixotic beliefs.

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28 May 07

To Grow from Yielding

The most yield­ing thing in the world
  will over­come the most rigid
The most empty thing in the world
  will over­come the most full
From this comes a les­son —
  Stillness ben­e­fits more than action
  Silence ben­e­fits more than words

—Verse 43, Tao Te Ching

Sometimes, tem­per­ance is the great­est weapon.

When some­one attacks you with words or tries to make you feel any less than your­self, you merely need acquiesce.

In doing so, you dis­arm them. You rob them of their only weapon — anger — and their words lose all mean­ing and significance.

Tai Chi, as the phys­i­cal man­i­fes­ta­tion of Taoist philoso­phies, fol­lows the same idea.

Then you will under­stand the flow of inter­nal power, and, hav­ing repeat­edly prac­ticed and refined your tech­nique and explored your own aware­ness, you can use and con­trol your inter­nal power at will.

The T’ai Chi prin­ci­ple is as sim­ple as this: yield your­self and fol­low the exter­nal forces.

—Waysun Liao, The Essence of T’ai Chi

When your oppo­nent expands, con­tract. Create a void in your stance, and let them fill that void. By absorb­ing your opponent’s energy, you reduce it to nothing.

No one proves them­selves more inane than one who matches energy with energy, force with force.

I’ve finally come to fully under­stand such an idea. The the­ory made sense, but I never put it in prac­tice, and prac­tice is what makes the under­stand­ing com­plete. It was only recently that I had the chance to apply it. The old me was hot-headed with too much to prove. When faced with insult­ing, patron­iz­ing words, I would have reacted, instead of fol­low­ing the prin­ci­ple of wu wei. The sit­u­a­tion was a test of myself, and I passed.

From this I’ve learned how much I’ve grown.

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25 May 07

May Long Weekend '07

Thumbnail: Oktoberfest sausages
Thumbnail: Barbecue ribs
Thumbnail: Silicon brush
Thumbnail: Chicken drumsticks
Thumbnail: Shish kebabs
Thumbnail: Barbecue thermometer
Thumbnail: Fruit flan, blueberry bonanza, key lime pie

While writ­ing this, I real­ized that my RSS sub­scribers will lose most of the entry; more than half of it is in the cap­tions of the pho­tos, which are embed­ded in the link tag. Almost all my pic­tures have cap­tions actu­ally. I may try writ­ing a WordPress plu­gin or mod­ify Lightbox JS 2 to dis­play the cap­tions in sub­scrip­tion feeds.

Pat and Jen had ten of us over for the Victoria day week­end. They put the extra leafs in the table and it was twelve in all. Potato casse­role, ribs, drum­sticks, sausages, salad, corn-on-the-cob, and I don’t even remem­ber what was on the other end. It was funny to see how proud Pat was that there was too much food to fit on the 12 per­son table. I can under­stand though; there’s noth­ing more sat­is­fy­ing than being a good host. I pre­fer the host role to the guest role actu­ally. It’s when I can be in con­trol of the sit­u­a­tion, and I’m much bet­ter at mak­ing sure peo­ple are tak­ing care of than being taken care of myself (I think a sense of impos­ing is what con­tributes to this).

I won my first game of Settlers of Catan. The quiet ones are the ones who win, they say, so I tried to keep my mouth shut amidst all the joc­u­lar smack-talk. The guys also played Capcom vs. SNK 2. Even though we all come from dif­fer­ent back­grounds, every sin­gle one of us knew how to play. Very telling of how per­va­sive the Street Fighter series is to our generation.

The guests help clean up with­out ask­ing, they thank you for hav­ing them, and in return, the hosts thank you for com­ing. You can tell a lot about peo­ple, not just from their friends, but their com­pany as well.

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23 May 07

The Unexpected Kiss

A while ago, Dan and I made plans to play some table ten­nis yesterday.

It’s been a year since we went to the old recre­ational club. The venue changes every year, and this sea­son it was too much of a has­sle for me to go as it was buried some­where in the city. For Dan, the new venue was too far to be prac­ti­cal to go on a reg­u­lar basis.

When we arrived, there were all famil­iar faces. We greeted them with hand­shakes and how-you-doings. Yerka, from the Czech Republic, arrived when we were catch­ing up. Along with her Polish hus­band Andrei, Yerka was one of the new mem­bers last year. Andrei was on my league team, and even though I was cap­tain, Andrei was def­i­nitely the best player, with Yerka always there to sup­port him from the bleachers.

I extended my hand to her, but in the European fash­ion she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I reacted and adjusted for a kiss as well, but appar­ently there’s a rule on which side to kiss first.

My friends and I never faire la bise, and in my igno­rance, I went for her right cheek, she went for my left, and we ended up kiss­ing full on the lips.

Then promptly laughed it off.

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21 May 07

Obsessive-Compulsive

Some think I have a form of OCD. They notice that I have to do things in a cer­tain way. These things aren’t exactly debil­i­tat­ing to the point of being con­sid­ered dis­or­ders, but they’re big enough for peo­ple to give me a teas­ing now and then.

I have to sleep with the end of the blan­kets at my feet. My duvet and cover are sep­a­rate, so the open­ing is at one end. It bugs the craaaaaaaaap out of me if it’s not at the bottom.

I always carry a few things with me. Lip balm (Labello brand), cell phone, iPod, lens cloth (to clean glasses or cam­era), in addi­tion to the nor­mal wal­let and keys. If I have a bag, this list expands to include a note­book with pen, and a cam­era. I’m very uneasy with­out them. I look for pants with appro­pri­ately sec­tioned pock­ets for this reason.

I wash my hands about 10–12 times over the course of a day. As a result, my hands dry out (which I also can’t stand) so I use Glaxal Base a cou­ple times a day, which is a perfume-free, water-based lotion. It’s so hypoal­ler­genic and absorbent that they use it as a base for top­i­cal medication.

I hate hav­ing an odd num­ber of eggs in my fridge. This may be due to the fact that I never devi­ate from eat­ing two eggs in one sit­ting. If I ever cook an odd num­ber of eggs (maybe when a guest wants one or three), then I’m left with an odd num­ber of eggs that I’ll for­ever be try­ing to even out again.

I always walk to the beat of the song I’m lis­ten­ing to. Most songs are in com­mon time (4/4), which can be divided or mul­ti­plied by two, so adjust­ing the walk­ing pace (in essence, two beats) is easy. Something based in 3 (such as Lamb’s album Fear of Fours) is less flex­i­ble. The only time I walk at my own pace is dur­ing songs with irreg­u­lar or chang­ing time sig­na­tures, like any pro­gres­sive rock album where I can’t even fig­ure out where the down beat is.

I have to wear slip­pers on tile or ceramic floors. I don’t know why.

I can’t lis­ten to an album out of order. There may be songs I don’t like in the album, and I’ll have no prob­lem skip­ping them, but I lis­ten to the rest in order.

I can’t stand things that are unsym­met­ri­cal. I know, there’s rea­son for asym­me­try, it’s designed that way, it serves a pur­pose, but I can’t stand it. I’ll never buy EQ3 Off Centre din­ner­ware. There were a few sea­sons when the whole side-zipper was “in” and I couldn’t buy any­thing from Tristan and America or Banana Republic.

I have to eat por­tions of food in a cer­tain way. This is only true for big meals with side and main dishes. There’s an order: side dish (mashed pota­toes, or toast), side dish (corn, or egg), main dish (turkey, or bacon), rotat­ing between all three, but always sav­ing the main dish for the last bite. I find there’s a bet­ter con­trast with the food when you switch between dishes. Flavours get lost when too much of the same thing is eaten. This is as opposed to Aaron, who eats his side dishes first, and then saves almost the entirety of his main dish for last.

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18 May 07

Aaron and Karen's Wedding

Bonding with Dennis and Rob

At the rehearsal din­ner I was lucky enough to meet Dennis, Aaron’s older cousin from Edinburgh, Scotland, and we imme­di­ately hit it off. Some peo­ple don’t so much talk with you as at you, whereas talk­ing to oth­ers can be like drag­ging a stick through the mud, but for us it was the per­fect bal­ance. The art of con­ver­sa­tion is dead, we agreed, and find­ing each other was like two Masonic broth­ers from dif­fer­ent lodges meet­ing for the first time.

Pat later told me that, on arriv­ing, he didn’t say hi to me for fear of inter­rupt­ing us. Our faces were so intense, focused on each other, he said. Dennis and I exchanged con­tact info, and he offered me a place to stay if I ever went to Scotland. Normally, I’d brush off such an invi­ta­tion as a glib pleas­antry, if it weren’t for the fact that he repeated it five or six times over both nights. In return, I offered him a place to stay if he ever wanted to give Nana and Popa (whom he calls June and Vic) a break. It’s funny, I never knew their names until then.

I also had a good talk with Rob while Aaron and Chris were out­side smok­ing cig­ars that night (which turned into the morn­ing) before the wed­ding. We bonded over our love of Aaron, and I got to probe Rob, who’s deep enough for an entire entry I’ll be post­ing soon.

This is the Story of Aaron and Karen

Before I gave my speech, I showed this video as a way for every­one, but most impor­tantly Aaron and Karen, to know how the groom’s side felt. Notice the keg-can of Heineken in Trolley’s shots.

I learned a lot about being an inter­viewer, about ask­ing the right ques­tions, about try­ing not to laugh at funny sto­ries. You can hear in the way I ask Jay (yel­low shirt), “In what way?”, that my cheeks are tight­ened in a big smile. I also real­ized that I shouldn’t fin­ish other peo­ples thoughts, which is a bad habit of mine. The inter­viewer shouldn’t present any bias.

Everyone told me after­ward that they were touched by how Aaron spoke from the heart. The inter­est­ing thing is that peo­ple were laugh­ing at parts I didn’t expect them to laugh at. In my speech too. I don’t write to be funny; I can’t be a funny per­son why I try. It hap­pens rather accidentally.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (ver­sion 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the lat­est ver­sion here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The speech did go well. I like how peo­ple started say­ing, “Woo hoo!” and “Cheers to that!” for the toast. If you lis­ten closely after I give my thanks, there’s one per­son who claps well before any­one else, and I’ll for­ever be won­der­ing who it was and why they were clap­ping with such vigor.

Wedding Opportunities

Thumbnail: Me in a kilt

The cer­e­mony was short and sweet, though it was a lit­tle cold. The Prince Charlie jacket doesn’t breathe, so the grooms­men were warm for most of it. I felt bad for the brides­maids though, who wore back­less, sleeve­less dresses.

I caught up with Nick and Alison, whom I hope to see for a few photo projects down in that area at some point dur­ing the sum­mer (I wish I was able to bring my cam­era to the wed­ding though). I got to know Steph a lit­tle bet­ter, and you could tell from the way she talks that she really cares about Trolley, which was impor­tant for me to find out. Hanging out with Jay was a blast too; he’s a really fun, easy-going guy, and I can totally see why he’s such good friends with Aaron. Pat did some robot­ics for us to the Scottish dance music, and I had the oppor­tu­nity to intro­duce him to Dennis, hop­ing that both con­ver­sa­tion­al­ists would hit it off.

We danced, we min­gled, we ate, we laughed. Weddings always offer great oppor­tu­ni­ties for such things. What other chance would I have to wear some­thing as fun as the Scottish regalia (although Dennis explained to me that Ontario and Canada have their own tar­tans, and that I’d have the right to wear one if I wanted).

A good time was had by all.

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16 May 07

A Lighter Life, A Lighter Layout

I was talk­ing to Pat the other day and the sub­ject of my siz­able debt came up. Debt used to trou­ble me. I did every­thing I could to stay debt-free, and was suc­cess­ful until this year. For some rea­son though, I stopped car­ing about money. “You must be really happy”, he said, “if some­thing that big doesn’t bother you anymore”.

It was true, but I never real­ized it until then. All the good things in life have eas­ily out­weighed the bad. There isn’t a sin­gle thing that I can point to and explain why, but it’s hap­pened — grad­u­ally, pro­gres­sively — over the course of the last year or so. I’ve become very com­fort­able with myself. I’m happy with who I am. The con­fi­dence I’ve gained, my luck in meet­ing Bronwen, the res­o­lu­tion of the sit­u­a­tion with my mom have all con­tributed I’m sure. The small things don’t bother me any­more, and almost every­thing is a small thing. I still lose sight of the big pic­ture every now and then and get in one of my moods, but they don’t last as long as they used to.

Now a new design.

I’ve had my own site since 1996, and look­ing back on all the dif­fer­ent ver­sions (around two dozen in all) I real­ize that they’ve all been dark — less than 30% grey. I used to be a dark per­son, and the designs were a reflec­tion of this.

This new design serves two pur­poses. Metaphorically, the light grey (93%) rep­re­sents my feel­ing of mirth. Technically, through var­i­ous tweak­ing, I can take advan­tage of dif­fer­ent design ele­ments, such as strong (these were links in the last iter­a­tion) and empha­sis. I also wanted to go back to the tra­di­tional under­lined links, with a slight hover flour­ish. Pixel icons have been updated for extra play­ful­ness. Also added is a colophon in the About section.

Not a com­plete lay­out change — really, it’s mostly colour — but prob­a­bly the most dras­tic change I’ve ever made to the site.

And it fits per­fectly with how I feel.

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14 May 07

Spring Is The Feeling

Spring flowers 1 
Spring flowers 2 
Spring flowers 3 
Spring flowers 4 
Spring flowers 5 
Spring flowers 6 
Spring flowers 7 
Spring flowers 8 
Spring flowers 9 
Spring flowers 10 

Spring is when you wake up, and you’re sick and you’re groggy and your hair refuses to co-operate, and your iPod ran out of bat­ter­ies, and you’re late for work but you take your time walk­ing any­way because the sun’s in your face and the wind’s at your back and for some rea­son you know that everything’s going to be alright.

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11 May 07

Misery is a Missing a Blonde Redhead Concert (and a Butterfly)

There’s a Blonde Redhead con­cert tonight. I was going to head to Toronto to see it with Darren and we would have made it a week­end together, but the wed­ding rehearsal has taken pri­or­ity. I’ve been going through 23 since it came out last month, and it still feels a lit­tle for­eign. The songs don’t hit you in the gut or give you the same sense of lyser­gic bliss like ones from Misery is a Butterfly, but over­all it’s a decent album. Ironically, the lat­ter album is what I lis­ten to cheer myself up, but now it only serves as a reminder of what I’m miss­ing. I would have given any­thing to be there.

My heart is in Toronto today.

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08 May 07

Aaron's Bachelor Party

The bach­e­lor party went bet­ter than I could have ever planned. Aaron wanted a week­end where the grooms­men could bond with each other so ini­tial plans were to head to Montreal, but I sug­gested to host it at my house, where I felt like I had the most control.

Friday night was drink­ing with every­one at the Honest Lawyer. We got the biggest table there, and for a cou­ple hours it felt like we owned the bar with our large and rowdy group. There was much tom­fool­ery to which our lips are sealed, as is the cus­tom for any bach­e­lor party, the footage of which will for­ever be locked in the vault. There’s noth­ing wrong with a drink or three though.

I even moon­walked (or some rea­son­able fac­sim­ile thereof) around the perime­ter of the bar, weav­ing between groups of peo­ple, put up by Pat for 10 points. He said the fun­ni­est thing was see­ing everyone’s reac­tion. I was too busy mak­ing sure I didn’t bump into any­one to notice that peo­ple stopped what they were doing and turned their heads as I passed them. When I closed the cir­cle the table cheered and I felt all eyes in the place on me. Something I nor­mally avoid at all costs, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good.

Thumbnail: Best fries in the city 
Thumbnail: Table left 
Thumbnail: Table left 
Thumbnail: Table left 
Thumbnail: Trolley and Aaron 
Thumbnail: Row of drinks 

It was also a meet­ing of the four bosses, the last time of which was almost a year ago dur­ing the birth­day rounds. I was com­forted know­ing that Aaron was at my front, Trolley to his right, and Pat to mine at the table. The next meet­ing will be at the wed­ding itself this week­end. Exciting!


By Saturday we reduced to the core group for the rest of the tour­na­ment, which was grooms­men and MC. You know you’re old when con­ver­sa­tion over break­fast is mainly about bacon, arts and crafts, and cook­ing shows. The pound of bacon chal­lenge was worth 5 points, as evi­denced by the plate ded­i­cated to pork, which Aaron and Rob eas­ily achieved.

Even though he didn’t show up until Saturday after­noon, I got to meet Jay, who was the only one out of Aaron’s crew that I hadn’t met. The rest of the week­end was spent game play­ing, Nerf war­ring, ulti­mate fight­ing in the back­yard, and hang­ing out.

Thumbnail: Us being silly 1 
Thumbnail: Us being silly 2 
Thumbnail: Us being silly 3 
Thumbnail: Us being silly 4 

In the end, there just wasn’t enough time to do every­thing planned. I was also spread­ing myself thin between record­ing video, tak­ing pho­tos, and act­ing as organizer/host. Sometimes I wish I could be part of the action, but it’s more worth it to me to make sure the right angles, focus, com­po­si­tions are taken. Still an absolute blast.

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07 May 07

Multitasking Emotions

Left screen, I’m going over the bach­e­lor party footage. We’re recov­er­ing from a night of drink­ing over bacon and eggs in a high-corner wide-angle shot. Right screen, I’m talk­ing to Aaron on Messenger.

Aaron: bro, you know I love you
Aaron: like for real
Aaron: no shit
Jeff: thanks man, i love you too
Aaron: no ‘you’re my bro’ shit
Aaron: the real deal

No ‘You’re my bro’ shit”, he says. Bro. The word we some­times use to remind each other that we’re fam­ily. Nothing emas­cu­lates some like the “l” word, but we’re passed that.

you know I love you”. He was first to say it this time, and it cat­alyzes the tears down my face.

The video’s still play­ing. In it we’re ebul­lient, frat­er­niz­ing, and I can’t help but laugh along too.

I remem­ber another time, about three years ago, when I broke down after deal­ing with my mom and her incor­ri­gi­ble ways. I rolled a joint and smoked it as soon as I got off the phone. As the weed went to my brain, my mood evened out. I was numb to the pain but the tears didn’t stop, like a phys­i­cal reflex.

What a strange feel­ing it was to be cry­ing and laugh­ing or stoned at the same time.

Life is the same way. It’s never black and white, and there’s no absolute right or wrong. There are grey areas, points of pas­sion between plea­sure and pain.

Even cry­ing from joy is an enig­matic micro­cosm of such an idea. I remem­ber doing so only one other time, at the end of grade 7, dur­ing the final audi­tions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Out of 10 schools, we were com­pet­ing to spend the sum­mer singing on stage with Donny Osmond. When they announced the name of our school we jumped out of our seats in cheer, but I could feel my face gri­mace from the emo­tion, tears fill­ing up my eyes. It’s as if you’re over­taken by sad­ness that you’ll never feel as happy again.

Like yin and yang, one doesn’t exist with­out the other, and often they exist at once.

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04 May 07

Styles of Spring/Summer 2007

Tristan & America Get Their Groove Back

Thumbnail: America 1
Thumbnail: America 2
Thumbnail: America 3
Thumbnail: America 4

It appears that the heav­enly bod­ies have aligned against me in a cos­mic joke.

Let me explain. The trends at Tristan & America this sea­son are actu­ally sen­si­ble, and this is coin­cid­ing with the first time in my life that I’m in debt.

I used to shop at T&A years ago. With ribbed sweaters and sharp silk ties, they always had a clas­sic sense of fash­ion. Around 2002 the style turned into what I can only describe as urban cow­boy. Dress shirts were adorned with tas­seled fringes and pre-worn edges. Mannequins even had the Texan string tie. For the next four years they exper­i­mented, what I’d con­sider a strong euphemism, with dif­fer­ent styles, until this season.

The spring/summer col­lec­tion has gone back to it’s clas­sic roots, with a lovely blend of earthy tones. I like to stay with neu­tral colours — though noth­ing pas­tel — because I don’t like my clothes to make bold state­ments. I pre­fer to hide my per­son­al­ity, what I’m think­ing, and let my actions speak for themselves.

New clothes are def­i­nitely more of a want than a need, so it’s hard for me to jus­tify going fur­ther into debt to add more to an already full closet.

Maybe I’ll wait until it goes on sale at the end of sum­mer. The prob­lem, espe­cially at T&A, is that the small sizes dis­ap­pear within days.

The cos­mic gods, they’re laugh­ing at me.

Khaki Ressurection

The zip­per on my khakis jammed and promptly died at a rather inop­por­tune time (well, I guess there’s never really an oppor­tune time for such a thing). When I brought them in to get fixed, I real­ized that I didn’t have a backup pair.

I only buy khakis at Randy River, the store with the wiiiide-legs that nearly cover my foot with shoes off. Even the Dickies relaxed-fit work-wear series aren’t wide enough, and they’re too stiff for my taste. They also lack a double-reinforced back leg cuff, which I like cause all my pants touch the ground.

The only prob­lem with R2 is that the small­est size they have for pants is 30. As I found out when get­ting mea­sured for the wed­ding, I’m actu­ally a 26 waist, but I pre­fer 28–29 max so I can wear them low on the hips. When they’re 30, I have to cinch up my belt because oth­er­wise they’re really low.

This sea­son, the R2 khakis are all very dark with slight orange tones, and cargo pock­ets or frayed edges. Really not my style. At least I got my cur­rent pair back within a week. Hopefully they’ll sur­vive me until next season.

Fall of the Ben cut

They dis­con­tin­ued the Ben wide-leg cut from Bluenotes. Instead, they’ve come out with a new Walker boot-cut. Off the shelf, the Walker cut really reminds me of the flare they put on girls jeans back when I was in high-school, but I only say this cause I like to give Aaron a hard time about it. They look good on him, but he can pull off anything.

Bluenotes is the only place I buy jeans, and jeans are the only thing I buy at Bluenotes. It’s because of the Ben cut that I go there (and cer­tainly not their pop-culture silk-screened shirts). When I found out they aren’t being made any­more, I had to buy the last three pairs on the rack — two 29s and a pair of 28s.

Oh Ben. You define me.

What will I do for jeans now when they all wear out? For the last cou­ple years I’ve done preppy tops with skater bot­toms, but maybe my style will change by then.

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02 May 07

A Crush

I met a girl across the sea
Her hair the gold that gold can be
Are you the teacher of the heart?
Yes, but not for thee

So I asked out Jenn.

I sup­pose it shouldn’t come as a sur­prise; Jenn’s been — per­haps unwit­tingly — a source of quixotic inspi­ra­tion as of late.

It was some­thing I approached del­i­cately, out of a sense of pro­pri­ety (if indeed, such a thing still exists), and the fact that Aaron and Karen are our close mutual friends. An avowal of such a nature, han­dled incor­rectly, always has the poten­tial to be a cause of awk­ward­ness at parties.

Not that I wasn’t already awk­ward enough around her.

Jenn’s pres­ence alone would make me flus­tered. When I could speak, it would often be a flour­ish of non­sen­si­cal words. Something that’s humourous in hind­sight, but rather frus­trat­ing in the moment.

To be so affected always took me by surprise.

I would tell myself, “This will pass. This is a phase, an infat­u­a­tion; time or luck will have me grow out of this.”

And it worked, for a while. I moved on, hav­ing con­vinced myself of such an idea, never telling any­one how I felt. Then one day, I real­ized that I was only fool­ing myself. It became obvi­ous when I’d think of her in the lyrics of every song. I couldn’t pre­tend I didn’t need to defend some part of myself from her. Until then, I never believed in love at first sight. I didn’t want to believe it. After all, how do you explain such an illog­i­cal, inef­fa­ble, irre­press­ible feel­ing? I grew, but not out of this, and in vain had I struggled.

She said no.

It’s funny to think that with the wis­dom I’ve gained, the expe­ri­ences I’ve had, I can still be reduced to such an ado­les­cent emo­tion. I don’t think any­one, myself included, would have imag­ined this would hap­pen to me again, not at this age, not with what I’ve been through.

I just won­der now, when we’re both at Aaron and Karen’s wed­ding, after giv­ing me her polite dec­li­na­tion, whether I’ll still feel the same. Sometimes you think you’ve moved on. You think you’re over some­one, until you do some­thing as sim­ple as see them again and your heart stops. Love, attrac­tion, infat­u­a­tion, they’re never so con­ven­tional as to be understood.

What a silly thing a crush is.

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