And you’re right, giving it your best shot is the best way to have no regrets.

@Amy — I’ve always thought about a secret blog. I used to have password protected entries actually, but I thought that it ruined the point of having something public on the internet that couldn’t be read. I may get to that point again one day though.

I can’t believe that not even your husband knows though. If I was ever to marry someone, I’d like to think that they would be able to accept all my crazy thoughts and emotions.

@kiddo — Thanks. I remember what happened when your dad found out about your blog so I imagine that you know very well how I feel about this.

but whatever you say on your blog, that your mom happens to read, (as per her choice)
whatever she ‘finds out’ about you
she’ll still love you, because you’re her son, even if it is a warped and unfufilling love.

or
she can use it to torture herself with
hahahaha

wonder what she thought about your entry regarding her cleaning out your freezer with all the ‘herb’

teehee

cheers,
from the best place on Earth

I like the point you make in your last paragraph. It shows a tremendous actualization towards self-improvement, something not realized by many artists I bet. After all, who’s supposed to accept us regardless of what we do, if not our parents?

@Jason — That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I’m surprised that you care what she thinks, because you told me that you also cut off ties with your parents. I’d like to think that I don’t care at all, but I do have to censor myself from the point where I may say something so hurtful, though honest, that my mom may kill herself if she read it.

I was compelled to run this post through a few people before publishing. Eventually, I took out two lines that may have been a bit over-the-edge. It was a happy medium to be able to get the point across without worrying about my mom going suicidal.

@sikander — Many have agreed she will always continue to read this. “She’s your mother”, they say, and that fact alone is strong enough to make the point. She has always “been there” in her way I suppose, although it’s never in a way that I needed (financial, not emotional). You’re right, she probably always will be there too, but I no longer want this bond. She’s always hurt me more than she helped me.

And knowing that she reads this does hurt me. Her continued presence is a reminder of the pain I’ve tried to cut out of my life. I liken it to someone you don’t want to talk to constantly calling your house. It is possible to ignore the ringing, but it takes a constant, draining energy.

@tony — I’ve been getting a lot of amazing comments in the last few weeks, a lot of insight that has brought me perspective and helped me reflect, but yours was just…ignorance.

can’t do that with the siblings though… they’re smart enough to guess automatically from my email address.

as for your mother reading this journal… regardless of the feelings you currently have towards her, her visits are just an indication that despite how the relationship between you and your parents has turned out, she will always be interested in whats going on in your life. maybe she doesn’t do what you expect her to do and doesn’t behave/act the way you want her to, but she’ll always be there. also, i’m sure you know this too.

i say let her visit and read. it doens’t harm you in any way.. so if this makes her feel close, let it be. especially now that you’ve “let go”, you don’t have to hide anything either and can continue being yourself :)

I need to jump that hurdle myself or else I’ll never publish poems lest mom wouldn’t understand them. Waiting til everyone we know or might speak of is dead and gone is hardly a good means or timing of processing one’s life.