On the 25th of September, at 11:04 am, my mom Googled my e-mail address, and found this blog.
She visits every day like clockwork; around 8:30 am when she gets into work, and sometimes during lunch around 12:30 pm. Even though I told her never to contact me again, she continues to check on me.
It’s something I’ve known for a while now.
The existence of this website was a secret I kept from my parents for as long as I could. I felt like I owed it to them to overlook my childhood memories because they stayed together for my sake, so I never wanted them to know this seemingly unreconciled side of me. When they told me they were getting divorced, I wrote an entry (that’s never been published) about how I stopped caring. It was their turn to start caring about me.
Of course, this was only true in theory.
To be honest, I was devastated. Bronwen likened it to her mom finding her diary under her bed, and I tend to agree with the analogy.
Chinese kids don’t talk to their parents about much. Even after being out of touch for a long time, parents will only ask whether they have enough money, whether they’re eating enough, and how their marks are in school, if applicable.
Some were surprised that my mom would continue reading my blog, believing the things I say would be too painful for her to read. It makes sense though. This is the only way she can stay close to me.
So I have to ignore the entries in my server logs that constantly remind me of her presence. I can’t let it affect the only place where I can write unrestricted. I just have to let go, and continue writing. Damn the consequence, as someone once said. There’s nothing else I can do. After all, this is a public journal. I have no right to complain about who comes here.
When you let go, you can write about anything.
Good for you for sticking to your space. Damning the consequences is the best route for sanity I’ve come across yet. Secrecy is crushing and nerve-wracking.
I need to jump that hurdle myself or else I’ll never publish poems lest mom wouldn’t understand them. Waiting til everyone we know or might speak of is dead and gone is hardly a good means or timing of processing one’s life.
My mom checks in on my blog too… unfortunately, it’s changed the way I maintain my presence online, it’s not as open and exposed as it used to be.
my parents rarely use the internet but over the years i’ve also kept my site secret from them deliberately. i rarely talk about family but i would still feel a big “naked” and “exposed”, as you said.
can’t do that with the siblings though… they’re smart enough to guess automatically from my email address.
as for your mother reading this journal… regardless of the feelings you currently have towards her, her visits are just an indication that despite how the relationship between you and your parents has turned out, she will always be interested in whats going on in your life. maybe she doesn’t do what you expect her to do and doesn’t behave/act the way you want her to, but she’ll always be there. also, i’m sure you know this too.
i say let her visit and read. it doens’t harm you in any way.. so if this makes her feel close, let it be. especially now that you’ve “let go”, you don’t have to hide anything either and can continue being yourself :)
ok. go and get your moms ip address like get her to sign something like a blog post or something and ban her ip she won’t be able to visit.
Are you a moron tony? If you can track people with server logs, you already knows their ip address, let alone the fact that banning an ip address only stops someone from a single location.
@Pearl — Thanks. You’re absolutely right in saying that secrecy is crushing and nerve-wracking. It’s not an easy leap to make, but when you do, it’s quite liberating.
I like the point you make in your last paragraph. It shows a tremendous actualization towards self-improvement, something not realized by many artists I bet. After all, who’s supposed to accept us regardless of what we do, if not our parents?
@Jason — That’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I’m surprised that you care what she thinks, because you told me that you also cut off ties with your parents. I’d like to think that I don’t care at all, but I do have to censor myself from the point where I may say something so hurtful, though honest, that my mom may kill herself if she read it.
I was compelled to run this post through a few people before publishing. Eventually, I took out two lines that may have been a bit over-the-edge. It was a happy medium to be able to get the point across without worrying about my mom going suicidal.
@sikander — Many have agreed she will always continue to read this. “She’s your mother”, they say, and that fact alone is strong enough to make the point. She has always “been there” in her way I suppose, although it’s never in a way that I needed (financial, not emotional). You’re right, she probably always will be there too, but I no longer want this bond. She’s always hurt me more than she helped me.
And knowing that she reads this does hurt me. Her continued presence is a reminder of the pain I’ve tried to cut out of my life. I liken it to someone you don’t want to talk to constantly calling your house. It is possible to ignore the ringing, but it takes a constant, draining energy.
@tony — I’ve been getting a lot of amazing comments in the last few weeks, a lot of insight that has brought me perspective and helped me reflect, but yours was just…ignorance.
I hate to say this after your discussion has gone full circle, but in my own life, I found it dangerous to disclose anything to either of my parents, even as an adult. It was my practice to write and disclose pretty much anything to anyone else, but they were simply poison for anything I tried to create or achieve. It didn’t matter when I married, it didn’t matter when I graduated (no one came to my graduation, even though I was the first woman in my family to do so); they just had a way of killing, devaluing the joy of anything I accomplished. So I simply started giving them shiny happy fake nothings in the way of disclosure. That seemed to work. They were unable to harm me if they only knew a pleasant sham. I did not regret this, even after my mother’s death from cancer. I had given her my best shot; they did not give me theirs.
I have a secret blog site too
I have my ‘public’ blog, where all my friends and family can keep abreast of what I’m up to with my kids..
then I have an anonymous blog
much darker, raw, totally exposed
that not even my husband knows of.
but whatever you say on your blog, that your mom happens to read, (as per her choice)
whatever she ‘finds out’ about you
she’ll still love you, because you’re her son, even if it is a warped and unfufilling love.
or
she can use it to torture herself with
hahahaha
wonder what she thought about your entry regarding her cleaning out your freezer with all the ‘herb’
teehee
cheers,
from the best place on Earth
you are truly brave for doing this jeff, and i think you are completely right.
if she wants to read, then she can. but it shouldn’t mean anything to you.
cheers.
@Xibee — I used to do what you did, remain distant yet polite. The difference is that I don’t know if my parents gave it their best shot. Perhaps they didn’t know how to love a son any other way. I personally don’t think it matters because, in the end, I was very hurt nonetheless.
And you’re right, giving it your best shot is the best way to have no regrets.
@Amy — I’ve always thought about a secret blog. I used to have password protected entries actually, but I thought that it ruined the point of having something public on the internet that couldn’t be read. I may get to that point again one day though.
I can’t believe that not even your husband knows though. If I was ever to marry someone, I’d like to think that they would be able to accept all my crazy thoughts and emotions.
@kiddo — Thanks. I remember what happened when your dad found out about your blog so I imagine that you know very well how I feel about this.