On Christmas day, I felt like doing something low-key, without the large gatherings usually associated with this time of year, so I decided to spend it with Joel’s family. Hanukkah had already passed for them; it was just another day. Charlotte, who learns from Nigella Lawson, cooked a tremendous meal of roast beef, beans, and secret potatoes. Even the dessert was a fancy form of chocolate pot mousse, made from 70% cocoa Lindt and allspice.

We settled down with a little Gamecube, and I taught them Dutch Blitz, which we played well into the night. By the time I left, my spirits were up again.

It was a nice mixture of young and mature. A place where I could shut off my brain and be a kid, but have a thoughtful conversation too. They really made me feel like I was one of the family.

I arrived with handshakes and hellos, but left with hugs and kisses.

This used to be my favourite season.

I don’t even know why. Christmas was always about tedious gatherings. Each parental group of friends and family — consisting only of Chinese people — would take turns hosting parties. As one of the “kids”, I was thrust in a room with the other sons and daughters. People I only saw once a year, with whom I had nothing in common. Some years, I’d go to six different houses in two weeks.

My parents would always host New Year’s. Some time ago, with the money I earned from my first job, I bought them a classy fondue set and fondue book for them to use as hosts. They never opened the box, or even cracked the spine of the book. It broke my heart.

Monetary certificates. Sweaters. Cheap stationary. Nothing personalized. Nothing from the heart. Nothing I ever needed or wanted. It was merely a display of how little people knew or cared about me. It would have meant more if they gave the money to charity.

The one reprieve during the holidays was being able to see Darren, sneaking out in the middle of a party to get stoned with him, or hanging out with John.

Then why did the holidays mean so much to me?

Maybe it was the atmosphere. The snow. The memories of Christmas in Hong Kong. The fact that people who had nothing in common would put up Christmas lights. Something that everyone believed in.

Even though I’ve received some beautiful, thoughtful gifts for once, even though I don’t really celebrate Christmas, I’m down. It’s too warm for the snow to stay. I didn’t buy presents for anyone. I’m working the short week between Christmas weekend and New Year’s weekend because I can’t afford any time off.

I suppose the holidays are what you make of them.

There have been many generous people — Louise, John, Aaron, Joel, Bronwen, Pat — who opened their houses to me today, but it’s not the same.

To feel like I was part of something, part of a family, as dysfunctional as it was. Because of the divorce, there’s no home to go to for the first time in my life.

Christmas is dead this year, but it’s only a reflection of how dead I feel inside.

I was going through my pictures and realized that there were quite a few I haven’t posted, so I decided to do an end-of-year wrap-up. Most of these are photos I like but they didn’t fit anywhere, or were made redundant by other pictures telling a story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since we got bought out by a public company, the purchasing procedure has changed quite a bit. Some of the top brass from the head office in Boston flew in this week, and I made it a point to thank the CFO for personally approving the purchase of a new Canon Rebel XTi, 100mm f/2.8 macro lens, and 50mm f/1.8 lens. After the president introduced me, he told me I did a fantastic job with the pictures in the company catalogue, and it really made my day.

I think I’ve really developed as a photographer in the little time I’ve owned my first SLR camera. Looking back on a year of photos has made me realize that I’ve learned a lot, not only simple photographic theory, but familiarity with my camera and post-processing as well. I still have a lot more to learn though, especially with exposure and metering, as digital cameras make it easy to get good shots without really needing to have an in-depth understanding.

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone baby
The thrill is gone away
You know you done me wrong baby
And you’ll be sorry someday

—BB King, The Thrill Is Gone

Our relationship was a nightmare of ups and downs.

You had the amazing ability to make me feel good about myself, by saying the right thing with intelligence and eloquence.

Yet every time I felt like I was making progress, progress that took tremendous effort and energy, progress for you, you would put me down. Every time I took a leap of faith and put myself out there, you would hurt me. It wasn’t even a case of brutal, tactless honesty; you would insult my pride for no reason.

I think it betrayed a subconscious insecurity. Something you would do to make yourself feel better. Like your constant need to prove that you’re busy and moving on. It’s as if your life is empty, void, and you’re desperate to fill it with something.

I had to end things when you went too far.

There were no regrets, because I did my absolute best to make things work. Even though I suffered, I ignored the pain, and tried working through it. I only gave up when you proved too stubborn to change or understand.

The relationship wasn’t a total loss. It was an interesting introduction to the subculture. It was passionately sexual. It also made me more confident, although I realize now that it wasn’t because of you. You barely gave me any trust, and every step forward I made, you pulled me back two. It was me who fought through all the insecurities and rose to the occasion.

When you came back in January, without a word of apology or mention of the wrong you did, I had no interest in continuing the relationship. After that, I thought of you whenever I heard the song Buried Myself Alive by The Used.

Unfortunately, it was at an unstable time in my life, so I asked you to back off and wait. Your idea of backing off and waiting is leaving me creepy comments and dating to fill the time. I just can’t understand how you keep making these mistakes. It’s almost like you purposely sabotage yourself.

I don’t want to be involved in the drama anymore. Nothing is ever simple with you. Even though you say you’ve changed, it’s not worth the risk to me. You had your chance, and it was a damn good one.

You’ve wronged me too many times. The last time you left my house, not knowing when or if you’d come back, I felt nothing.

I knew then that the thrill was gone.

A few other things:

• On the phone, your voice could be so cute that it would make me weak and forget everything you did.
• Out of all my girlfriends, you were physically the least attractive, yet you were the most conceited about your looks.
• It was very much appreciated when you brought me flowers at work, and the times you’ve dropped off food and other goodies at my door. No one else has done this for me.
• The way you would remember events was often completely wrong. It wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t completely convinced that your interpretation was correct. It made things rather scary, like dating a schizophrenic. You could totally fabricate how things went, the way you wanted to remember them. The root of an argument would turn into my fault, instead of yours.
• You were a knockout in bed.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

1. Introduction
2. Ashley
3. Michele
4. Christie
5. Jackie
6. Louise
7. Bronwen

Trolley and Aaron can grow beards as I’ve never been able to. It’s always made me a little envious. I’m not one who can have that gruff, distinguished look.

This comes as a strange phenomenon. While my dad could never really develop a full beard, he could quickly grow an all-over scruff. Scruff like it was made of steel wool. Sometimes he’d have to shave twice a day, and he kept an extra electric shaver in the glove compartment just for this purpose.

Apparently, I didn’t inherit this gene.

I did, however, inherit some sort of mutation that turns certain hairs brown. I always thought it was Scottish heritage on Aaron’s part that gave him the orange highlights in his beard. Now I don’t know what it’s due to.

Unfortunately, I can’t show off this mutation, since I have to shave frequently.

When I don’t shave, my sparse facial hair makes me look like I’m still going through puberty and my balls have yet to drop.

Am I not your favourite gadget, no more?
How come my little baby?
Am I not your favourite gadget, no more now?
How come not anymore?

Since you bought me, I feel lonely
Since that day things are wrong
Could you not repair me, honey
Is my warranty guaranteed gone

—Ellen ten Damme, Gadget

There was always something about you.

Your voice. Your Joisey accent. Your hair style. Your always-on choker. Your piercings (I was always a sucker for brow rings and tongue studs). Your taste in music. Your off-the-wall personality.

It was all so exciting. Something I’d never experienced before.

But you were a total drama queen too. You would get upset over the most random, innocuous things. I could never tell if you truly believed the ridiculous things you said, or whether you just said them for attention. Either way, I hated it.

You could also be as immature as a teenager. I hated how you would do things like leave in the middle of a game and storm off to the other room because you thought you would lose.

I put all my feelings aside for you. I would always let you have your way, but you’d never even consider mine, and I hated it.

Even though I knew it wouldn’t last, even though I knew you were completely wrong for me, like poison in the bloodstream, I couldn’t end it. Sometimes I still wonder if you ever think of me, or whether I was just another thing you used to occupy yourself in the summer, between boyfriends.

I’ve written more entries inspired by what happened than by anything else. I don’t want to give our relationship any significance, but the truth is that I can’t deny how important it was. What we had wouldn’t even count as a relationship, if it weren’t for how much it affected me.

My previous relationships were never satisfying. It felt like I could never fall in love or appreciate my girlfriends for who they were, and I always believed it was my fault. Then I fell in love with you, and it helped me learn that the failures of the past weren’t anyone’s fault, and simply the result of incompatibility. If it wasn’t for this realization, the suffering and the heartbreak wouldn’t have been worth it.

You were the only girl to ever break up with me. It was the shortest relationship I’ve had by far, but for some reason, it was the longest for me to get over. My heart tells me you were special, but my head tells me you weren’t special at all.

You were only the one I couldn’t have.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

1. Introduction
2. Ashley
3. Michele
4. Christie
5. Jackie
6. Louise
7. Bronwen

What can I say about Tina?

Fulcrum editor. Dom lover. Farsi speaker. Cadence Weapon listener. Naughty girl dancer.

She’s cool. Certainly cooler than me.

So when she asked if I wanted to meet, it made me nervous. I’m not comfortable around cool people. I never know how to act around them.

Tina has this laugh though, this girly, ebullient-but-not-annoying laugh, that put me at ease. The way she expresses herself betrays a subtle maturity for her age. One of those people who knows what they want and where they’re going. Even with this maturity, she retains a youthful fashionability. She’s four years my junior but I never felt like we lost each other in conversation, something I find especially common when talking to people my age.

On the outside we’re very different. At our core, we have very similar personalities. Maybe this is why we got along so well.

She obliged me a few photos so I could see if I could capture her playful personality.

It’s obvious that she likes cats, and Dolly was no exception. Normally, I take upwards of 200 snaps when I’m doing portraits, but she was too distracted by the cat rolling around on the floor between us for me to get more than 50.

Tina was the first person I’ve met through blogging from the Ottawa area. The next blogger I have to meet is Sikander. I think I saw him with Lunato walking down Rideau once, but I was too shy at the time to introduce myself.

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I’ll never criticize
All you’ve ever meant to my life

I don’t want to let you down
I don’t want to lead you on
I don’t want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can’t live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There’s nothing left to say but goodbye

—Air Supply, Goodbye

Over four years ago, I started this blog because of you. I felt like you never understood me, so I needed a place where I could express myself without any inhibitions.

I had a lot of hope in you, being drawn to your youth and innocence. A lot of hope in us. I always thought you were like clay I could mold. Someone who would eventually complete me, but you never changed or showed improvement.

It took me a long time to realize how wrong it was for me to do that. How wrong it was for me to want you to be a different person.

I hope I didn’t hurt you. I heard from your brother that you’re already on your Masters degree. I hope he’s healthy and happy. I hope your parents are doing well, that your dad is retired and they’re travelling out east like they’ve always wanted when you started university.

There are a lot of fond memories of our time together. I wonder if you believed me when I said that I wanted to marry you. It was something I honestly felt at the time, until things started falling apart, and I went through one of my phases again. It wasn’t your fault.

I had to end it before I led you on any further.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

1. Introduction
2. Ashley
3. Michele
4. Christie
5. Jackie
6. Louise
7. Bronwen

You know it’s getting close to the holidays when the fresh cupcakes at the local bakery start having Christmas tree sprinkles, so I thought I’d make a Christmas wish-list. Usually I have no problem spending money when I want something, but I’ve been saving my money as a goal lately. I’ve been good too, only spending $120 on myself in November (two movies, a toque, and winter shoe spikes) as opposed to the $500+ I normally do.

This isn’t a fantasy list by any means; these are practical things I eventually plan on buying. I just can’t justify getting them at this moment. Of course, I don’t actually expect any of these things to show up under a tree on the 25th, since I don’t celebrate Christmas, although this isn’t by choice.

Photography

• Canon EOS 5D camera body ($3800) — The 5D supports a very nice 12.8 megapixels, but most importantly, it has a full-frame sensor that would let me take full advantage of my wide-angle lenses.
• Canon EF 15mm f/2.8 Fisheye lens ($950) — For those extra-wide group shots, and stylish fisheye distortion.

  Bought a used version of this great lens for roughly half the MSRP in early 2007.

• Speedlite 580EX flash ($600) — I currently have the Speedlite 420EX, which can used as an off-camera slave to be set off remotely. It takes a flash like the 580EX to act as a wireless master.

  Bought this flash with an umbrella and light stand in the summer of 2007. Extremely happy with the off-camera results.

• Macro Ring Lite MR-14EX ($750) — Macro photos have been especially difficult because of the exaggerated camera shake with a 100mm lens. A nice macro flash would allow me to increase shutter speed, and get evenly lit shots.
• Wacom Intuos 6×11″ tablet ($450) — For editing my photos in Photoshop. I have one of these at work, and I can’t get over how much better a tablet is over a mouse.

  I was starting to get shooting pains in my wrist and forearm, so I bought this tablet in early 2007 to ease the strain of mouse posture. It has greatly helped, and on top of that, working with brushes in Photoshop is a delight.

Games

• Playstation 3 ($650) — I’m currently waiting on this one, since none of the launch titles interest me, but it’s my next-generation console of choice. I wanted the Wii for the longest time (back when it was codenamed Revolution), but the lack of HD support and dated hardware quickly turned me.
• Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess ($60) — I can’t pass up the legendary last game in the Zelda series. It’s coming out in 12 days for the Gamecube, although I may see if I can borrow Pat’s/Aaron’s/Trolley’s Wii to play it with the Remote and Nunchuk instead.
• Neverwinter Nights 2 ($60) — I’ve been waiting for this game ever since I finished the original Neverwinter Nights over two years ago. My next purchase was either this or Company of Heroes, but John bought me the latter for my birthday and so we could play online together. It was as much of a gift for himself.

Furniture

• Saga sofa ($1400) — Getting this in a nice dark-brown leather is one of the options with which I’d like to replace my old Ikea couch. I wasn’t partial to leather until I saw the unit in the store, but it boosts the price closer to $1500.

  Bought a Scotch couch in October 2007 from EQ3 in a black leather instead. Sold my old Ikea couch to help pay for this.

• 2MORROW side table ($150) — To go with the sofa.

  Bought a frosted glass sidetable from the same series as my coffee table from Zone in late 2007 instead.

• B2C 36″ storage ($550) — A place where I can store my books.
• CONICK pendant light ($120) — I’d like to have this above my dining table. The light fixture I have now is a little dated.

  I bought a rail light fixture from Ikea instead. It’s better for directional light, and much cheaper.

Appliances

• Grind & Brew Thermal Automatic coffeemaker ($150) — This baby grinds, brews, and can be set on an automatic timer to do both right before you wake up. Unfortunately, it’d be all decaf for me.
• Ultra Power Series stand blender ($180) — For smoothies. Because lunch sandwhiches get boring quickly.

  Got myself a nice Hamilton Beach Eclectrics Blender at the beginning of the year. Been making smoothies almost daily ever since.

TV Shows

• Six Feet Under ($230 for the complete series) — I’ve been wanting to watch these with Bronwen for a while now. I only got to the middle of the second season, but it really put the hook in me.
• Trailer Park Boys ($150 for seasons 1–5) — I’ve seen up to season 3, and every year, the Trailer Park Boys keep me guessing about how much madder things will be in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

  Bought these up to the sixth season in early 2007 to watch with Bronwen. She loved them. Still looking for the Christmas special.

• Battlestar Galactica ($100 for seasons 1 & 2) — I only got as far as the first season, and this is one of those shows that you can’t watch out of order because you’d be completely lost.

Movies

• Best In Show ($20) — This movie charmed me the first time I saw it. One of those movies you can watch at almost any time. Christopher Guest at his best.
• Punch Drunk Love ($16) — P.T. Anderson’s simple, beautiful love story.
• Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle ($15) — Because everything about this movie reminds me of summers with John.
• Contact ($16) — The beginning of my fascination with astronomy. And Jodie Foster.

  Louise bought me this for Christmas 2006.

• Boys n the Hood ($16) — A movie that touches me, even though it’s set in a world completely removed from my own.
• Waking Life ($10) — I wish I could explain what it is about this movie that draws me in so much. Maybe it’s the fact that every time I watch it, I understand something new. Also the first movie I ever saw high. Triptastic.
• The Breakfast Club ($18) — The ultimate teen angst movie. Also currently the only movie to use the term “Neo-Maxi Zoom Dweebie”.

Why should I stay and pretend?
You make me laugh again
My darling, truth is we are not even friends
Love comes and it goes
Where your heart stops no one knows
How did I wind up in this mess, here with you?

Just a moment of weakness
I should examine my head
Just a moment of weakness
I never meant a word I said

—Bif Naked, Moment Of Weakness

The first thing about you that caught my eye was your platform shoes. More specifically, the lanky way you walked in them with your plaid skirt on. You had such a funny gait that I would study when I was walking behind you in the halls. Sometimes you looked like an injured fawn, vulnerable and awkwardly running away with your long, slender legs. It was the very definition of sexuality to a depressed, hormonal teenage male.

Those shoes gave you an extra couple inches, and I resented every time you subtly knelt so you wouldn’t be taller than me in any pictures.

I only have a single good memory of our relationship. You were sitting on my lap in the jacuzzi at Cammy’s place. It was February, and there was snow all around us, but we were warm and wet. Every few minutes, we would dunk our heads under the water, then style each other’s hair, the winter air freezing it within seconds.

The more I got to know you, the more I learned that it was all a big mistake. I stuck it out because I didn’t want to break up with you in the months leading up to your exams. It was especially hard when Lisa started showing interest in me, but I couldn’t do it.

You were a sexual bore. No sound, no reaction, nothing in bed. Your friends were all snobs. Your thoughts were trite, and your interests were shallow.

You never knew it, but I had to decide between dating you and Marina. It tore me up for a week, knowing that one of you was going to be hurt. I chose you in a moment of weakness.

It was the biggest mistake of my high school career.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

1. Introduction
2. Ashley
3. Michele
4. Christie
5. Jackie
6. Louise
7. Bronwen

On the 25th of September, at 11:04 am, my mom Googled my e-mail address, and found this blog.

She visits every day like clockwork; around 8:30 am when she gets into work, and sometimes during lunch around 12:30 pm. Even though I told her never to contact me again, she continues to check on me.

It’s something I’ve known for a while now.

The existence of this website was a secret I kept from my parents for as long as I could. I felt like I owed it to them to overlook my childhood memories because they stayed together for my sake, so I never wanted them to know this seemingly unreconciled side of me. When they told me they were getting divorced, I wrote an entry (that’s never been published) about how I stopped caring. It was their turn to start caring about me.

Of course, this was only true in theory.

To be honest, I was devastated. Bronwen likened it to her mom finding her diary under her bed, and I tend to agree with the analogy.

Chinese kids don’t talk to their parents about much. Even after being out of touch for a long time, parents will only ask whether they have enough money, whether they’re eating enough, and how their marks are in school, if applicable.

Some were surprised that my mom would continue reading my blog, believing the things I say would be too painful for her to read. It makes sense though. This is the only way she can stay close to me.

So I have to ignore the entries in my server logs that constantly remind me of her presence. I can’t let it affect the only place where I can write unrestricted. I just have to let go, and continue writing. Damn the consequence, as someone once said. There’s nothing else I can do. After all, this is a public journal. I have no right to complain about who comes here.

When you let go, you can write about anything.

The lovin is a mess, what happened to all of the feeling?
I thought it was for real; babies, rings and fools kneeling
And words of pledging trust and lifetimes stretching forever
So what went wrong? It was a lie, it crumbled apart
Ghost figures of past, present, future haunting the heart

—Belle & Sebastian, Another Sunny Day

Our relationship has always represented the innocence of my youth.

The Friday nights, playing with candle wax in the dark, learning how our bodies worked. Or the rush of worry and excitement about parents walking in the door. Olfactory sense has come to mean a great deal in my relationships. From those nights we made love with Beth’s voice coming through your tinny speakers, I get turned on when I listen to Portishead.

I kept the bottle of Gap Earth you used, something dear to me since it was discontinued. Every time I smell the nozzle, it brings me back to the time we were together.

Out of all my other girlfriends, I thought you would be the one to end up in a D/s relationship. I never realized it until my own introduction to the lifestyle, but the things you did were the most naturally submissive. The way you wanted to be tied up with our belts, the enjoyment you got from pain, your desire for me to be in control, the way you would take my hands is yours so you could kiss my knuckles. To this day, I wonder if you still like these things.

I’ve always tried to figure out why I’m never satisfied in my relationships. It’s usually not the fault of the people I date. Sometimes I blame my parents for their failed marriage, and how this has made me feel that’s it’s necessary to find the perfect person so I don’t end up like them. Sometimes I think it’s because you were the first, and you came to define what was “right” or not.

I wish I could explain. I thought things would last, because you never hurt me in any way. In fact, you did nothing wrong. Maybe we were just too young. They say you shouldn’t marry the person you can live with, you should marry the person you can’t live without.

And I knew that I could live without you.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

1. Introduction
2. Ashley
3. Michele
4. Christie
5. Jackie
6. Louise
7. Bronwen

A few pictures of my house, something that’s become a symbol of my transition into adulthood. My next house project is getting enlarged prints of my photos to hang around the house.

The first thing you see when walking in the front door is the breakfast nook. It’s one of the best features of the house, especially in the morning. Even though it’s on the south side, it’s extremely bright and sunny. The windows face a major road, so I usually have the blinds closed for a little privacy, or open them when I’m feeling social.

There are two pathways that lead into the kitchen: the breakfast nook on one side and the hallway on the other. It’s a rather narrow place, but there’s enough elbow room to do some aggressive cooking. Tons of cupboards and plenty of table space keep everything tidy.

I recently bought this dining set from EQ3. Most things from there are custom-made: I was allowed to chose the material and colour of the seats, as well as the metal finish and diameter of the glass. The first thing I did when I bought the house, before I had things moved in, was to have a dimmer switch installed here, and in the two bedrooms. I had the entire area professionally painted a neutral beige for a café feel.

Trolley took most of the living room with him when he moved out, so I’m still looking for pieces. It’s the one part of the house I’m not satisfied with yet. I’d like to purchase one more couch, and a bookcase to clean up that shelf. In the future I’ll be blowing up a few of my pictures for the walls. The TV is hooked up to the digital cable box, an HD DVD player, an HD Gamecube connection, and a laptop (which unfortunately doesn’t output DVI). The couch was also from EQ3, and the coffee table, probably my favourite piece in the house, is from Zone.

One of the oddities of the house is the fact that the bedrooms are in the basement. It really turns some home buyers off, but I didn’t mind. It’s nice to have some stairs; they act as a general partition between the work and rest areas, and have come to define non-student living for me.

Trolley used to be in this room. I haven’t decided what to do with it yet. I may turn it into a guest room, a photo studio (which is doubtful, because of the red paint and how small it is), or a tai chi studio. Most likely the former, since it’s the only open-space large enough in the house for me to practice.

The bedroom is where I spend most of my time. It’s become a safety zone. The good thing about Ikea is that it’s so easy to match things in a set or series. I had the mirrors installed soon after I bought the house, and they hide an entire wall closet.

These are some of the most technically difficult pictures I’ve taken. A 1.6x field-of-view-crop-factor meant that I lost a lot of the wide end of my lens, and mixed lighting conditions made things especially difficult. I didn’t take pictures of the second bathroom or the laundry room. In the next series, I’ll get shots of the house at night.

The house changes it’s personality when it’s dark and moody.

An ex e-mailed me out of the blue the other day. She blamed it on the fall weather, causing her to reminisce and Google my name. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in over five years.

After feeling each other out for the first part of the exchange, we caught up on each others lives. She’s been married for three years. Moved out to Kingston after living through the pollution and over-stimulation of downtown Toronto. She has a full-time job while working toward her Master of Education part-time. Her husband’s an artist at heart, she says, trying to make a living off creative writing. No kids yet, but instead, two cats, Emily Wednesday and Shadow.

Me? I moved to Ottawa for university, bought a house, recently got out of a relationship, been working as the marketing and IT manager at a dental laboratory. Oh, and I have one cat, but I’m thinking of a second.

There were some things I’d been meaning to ask her for a while. Going through a series of relationships since ours has changed my perspective, and I’ve always wondered whether she’s grown in this way as well. I put a few questions to her, but she told me, in an amiable way, that she wasn’t completely comfortable indulging my curiosities.

There are a lot of things I’d like to say to my ex-girlfriends, but the nature of a break-up can be that of rancor. Communication breaks down. People lose perspective. I’ve always had a tremendous need to express myself, perhaps to the detriment of my relationships, but digging up what’s past and buried for the sake closure seems a bit selfish. After having this ex tell me that she was uncomfortable, I realized that it may have been rather inappropriate of me.

It’s only here that I can say what I want.

The Letter To An Ex-Girlfriend series

1. Introduction
2. Ashley
3. Michele
4. Christie
5. Jackie
6. Louise
7. Bronwen

I had a different entry planned out, but I have to write this instead. To get this feeling down before I lose it.

It’s hard to tell what the feeling is exactly. Happiness? Worry? Maybe a mix of both. I only know that I’m nervous, like I’m out on a limb, waiting for it to snap. Things have never gone this well for long.

Life has finally settled. I have the house to myself. I’m single. I don’t have to worry about what my parents do or think. I’m on a regular schedule, with only Tai Chi lessons on Saturday mornings. Other than that, I fill my time how I please, which currently involves a lot of Pikmin 2 and phone-calls with John or Bronwen.

With this new-found stability, I venture into the outside world to socialize. A while ago I watched Fearless with Aaron. Pat and Jen treated me to dinner and Borat last week. Sunday, I cooked Bronwen and her parents a Chinese lunch. Next Tuesday I’m going to the 2006 Legends Classic tour to catch up with Jeff, my old floormate from first year. Soon it’ll be Trolley’s housewarming party, along with all the other holiday events.

I’m initiating everything. In the past, I would never be the one making plans.

Four years ago I wrote that guilty pleasures aren’t so guilty anymore. I’m back to this feeling again. What a strange cycle. I’m starting to feel like I deserve to be happy.

I can feel myself getting giddy again, but I have to question if it’s all a little fake. If it’s a mask for my nervousness. I probably won’t be able to tell for a while, so I’m just trying to enjoy it.

Another transitionary phase.