We haven’t spoken in months.
I still think about her, but isn’t that how it usually goes? You think about the last girlfriend until the next one comes along, ad infinitum.
Sometimes I think about the opportunities I’ve missed with her. Never having a chance to attend one of her parties, a mysterious, esoteric ritual that both frightened and excited me whenever I heard about it. Never getting to use the beautiful rope she bought before she left for the final, extended break. Never being able to leave her bound and blindfolded in her own closet, the secret little fantasy we both shared. All the things that I took my time with, thinking I’d have a chance eventually, expecting the relationship to work.
But eventually never came.
Sometimes I have to remind myself how much she hurt me. On some days it’s easier than others. How much I changed and grew and was brave for her, only to have her constantly put me down. I tried my best, did the most I could, but it was never enough. Her complete lack of faith was more than discouraging, it was insulting.
Yet she was the girlfriend I respected the most, the only one I could talk to about anything without being afraid of losing her in subject matter. The girlfriend who taught me the most, who played an integral part in giving me the sense of strength and responsibility I feel today. I’m still trying to figure out if it was all worth it, whether I’d learn these thing eventually, or whether the experience was unique. I suspect I’ll find out in time.
It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow. The beginning of fall, carrying the transitional temperatures of summer, is always pleasantly cool. We’ll be strolling along the stores and restaurants of Elgin, and I’ll be taking my video camera in hopes of getting some footage of the sandbag angels at the Confederation Park.
Wow. I hope the meeting is everything you want it to be.
–Ang
sidenote: i love the ‘passive aggressive as fuck’ line! :)
Sorry for reloading your page like fifteen times.. I had just noticed that the tagline changes! My favorite is probably *group hug for one*
To be honest, I don’t know what I want the meeting to be. I suppose I’ll find out when it happens.
And I get a lot of people doing multiple reloads too. The randomize function isn’t perfect (theoretically it can never be perfect on a machine), so I find a lot of people keep refreshing when they realize there’s a line they haven’t read before.
“group hug for one” is based a site I frequent, http://www.grouphug.us
A few weeks ago I got an e-mail from my ex, it was very casual, he knows I don’t want to be friends and he respect it. It was just some errands stuff, casual things about forms and phone calls to some book publishes, it totally throw me off my life, I just got so sad about not being in the relationship anymore. I wrote him back, in the second e-mail he said something small that really made me remember why it’s best that we parted.
Anger’s sometimes the best way to deal with the pain of the break up. I know it totally works for me. I run into the guy who did the renovation on the apartment me and him got together 6 months before he left me. Telling him that we parted and that the apartment that he worked so hard on is now being rented out, was real difficult, it also reminded me how unfair and harsh this whole deal was.