I find myself handling this surprisingly well. I’m not consumed by nervousness and I only dwell on the situation when I wake up at night, and my subconscious crosses the barrier into a languid, sleepless world for an hour or so.

I called John, my diplomatic consigliere, and past his initial reassurances that I won’t be killed in a public place (where the second introduction is to take place), he affirmed the soundness of my plan. The key is to not try to explain myself and my actions and simply ask for forgiveness. Any explanation would be taken as a defensive action or excuse. In this position, one has no right to say anything else. This is quite different from the other times I’ve called him when I’ve been in a difficult situation; normally, I’m at a loss but almost invariably John can come up with the best plan of action. This time, I know what I’m doing, and I simply had to run my idea past him.

A very comforting formality.

Or perhaps it’s just the right idea. Even John has to agree that this is the smartest move to make. I have nothing to lose. I’ve already lost it. I’m just trying to get it back.

The best part is that I’m not forcing myself to do this in any way. I know what should be done, and I’m doing it. The fact that I’m comfortable with this, and that I’m taking the initiative to see it through, already proves to myself how much I’ve grown. Just going through with it is not an accomplishment to be taken lightly.

I already know what album I’ll be listening to on the ride back.

I thought I knew what to expect financially in owning a home. I was ready for mortgage payments, lawyers fees, gas bills, title insurance, land transfer tax (which is a separate payment from the name change fee), and any other random thing that may cost me money.

What I wasn’t ready for was the rapacious urge to purchase things. Things that cover windows, things that illuminate the corners of rooms. Things that go in houses, things that look nice. Things to play, things that organize other things.

So I spent some money. Got the living/dining room and two bedrooms professionally painted. Bought a 53″ Widescreen HDTV Projection TV. Of course, I needed a progressive scan DVD player to go with it (as well as composite cables for that and the Gamecube, which cost more than the DVD player itself). I even bought four games - Paper Mario, Viewtiful Joe 2, Timesplitters: Future Perfect, and Pikmin 2 — so that I could take advantage of widescreen and progressive scan support. There were also a few costly trips to Ikea, Homesense, Home Depot for things like tables, bowls, king sized pillows, and Egyptian cotton pillowcases.

I’m in debt for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life. I was up to seven grand at one point, but the smaller part of it (all on credit cards) was paid-off with the help of my last paycheque, and the larger half happens to be interest-free. I have to mention, though, that a significant portion of what’s left has been reduced, to the generosity of my parents. $2000 of it was towards a set of custom-sized mirrored closet doors to be installed in my room and in the coat closet, and they decided to pay for them as a housewarming gift. Pat also got me a barbecue that fits perfectly on my back patio, along with cover, cooking utensils, and wire-string brush.

My goal is to pay off the debt as soon as I can, and start putting 10% of my pay into a high-interest savings account. I’d also like to save 2% of my annual salary for house repairs and upkeep, while looking into higher RRSP contributions and possibly an extra mortgage payment by the end of the year.

This’ll be hard, however, because I’m itching for a new computer. I admit that I couldn’t help but take advantage of a great deal on Dell’s 19″ viewable flat panel monitors, so I bought two. Unfortunately, with a laptop, I can only use one for the time being. I’ve been looking at the new P4 Extreme Edition processors, which are dual core with hyper-threading on each that can simulate four processors. I’m trying to wait until the price drops a bit, seeing as how one of these costs as much as an entire new system. Normally I wouldn’t even consider spending so much on a CPU, but I can easily justify it with all the video encoding and photo manipulation I’ve been doing lately. I’ll probably be able to afford one by the time they become reasonably priced.