I was going to write about how I slept well for three nights in a row, but the third night turned into this morning.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.

—Robert Brault

I called Pat yesterday. In the past, I’ve always let him call me, since he’s invariably more busy than I am. Even if we try to make plans to hang out, we usually leave off with him getting back to me as soon as he finds out when he’s available next, due to the fact that he likes to be booked a month in advance. This time, I wanted to be the one initiating, because I realized that out of all my friends, I see him the least. Even if we hang out once a month, which may be considered quite sufficient, that’s only 12 times in a year.

The thing that makes it awkward is the fact that I don’t know the make-up of his social calendar. I don’t know how much of his life is devoted to Jen or allocated for other friends. Usually I only see him between events, and he’s always rushing off to do something else. The last thing I want to do is be a selfish person and smother him, especially a person whose time is as valuable as his. This is actually one of the things I worry about, when I know that I shouldn’t (John has recently helped me realize that I overanalyze things). I trust that Pat will let me know when I start taking up too much of his time.

In either case, as usual, he’s going to call me back to have dinner at the Black Tomato. I had to recommend that we go, because I always enjoy myself when I patronize that restaurant. I also chose to have a meal instead of doing something else, because food is one of Pat’s hobbies. He treated me the last time we had dim sum, when it was actually my turn, so I’m hoping he won’t put up a fight when I go to pay for the bill. In addition to the great fusion food, I’ll have the chance to order a glass of Wynns Coonawarra Estate cabernet sauvignon which I haven’t had the pleasure of tasting for a few months.

A chance to catch up, a chance to get to know Jen better, a chance to try out some new food. It’s going to be good.

Many things to say, but this is the most relevant right now. This also happens to touch on almost every aspect of my life, and I find myself considering things from a gigantic range of angles. Unfortunately, I can only briefly touch on each of them, in an effort to stave digression.

The first and most important goal I’ve ever had was to gain a healthy amount of confidence by the time I was middle-age. This was so that I could enjoy at least half of my life as a strong individual. I set this goal because I realized that I had an unhealthy amount of self-doubt, which contributed to a depressing life and lifestyle, as well as unrealized potential.

This meant fighting off the insecurities that were bred into me, which amounted to most of my childhood. It hasn’t been easy in the last couple of years, but it’s worked. Every six months, I’d realize how much I grew. This time, I realize that I’m there.

I finally feel like I’m in control of my life. I speak to people differently. I think differently. Instead of avoiding conflict, I can meet it head on. For me, this was probably the most difficult thing to do ever imagine doing. I would plan my life around such an avoidance, from my friends to my relationships. I had a conflict phobia, an illogical fear of a specific situation, but I fought against it and won. In psychology, people overcome their phobias by remaining relaxed in the face of their fears (because one cannot mentally be relaxed and scared at the same time). I had the opportunity to do this, by placing myself in uncomfortable situations over the last four months, and approaching them cerebrally at the same time.

I also have to say that a major contributing factor to the success has been going through the D/s lifestyle with Loo. Having a submissive as experienced as she was, placing her trust in me, gave me a significant boost in confidence. She once pointed out to me while watching Secretary, that Edward Grey’s confession to Lee Holloway about previously being shy was a very accurate detail. In Loo’s experience, many put in a dominant position are able to break out of their shells, and I never understood or believed her until now.

So now that I’m here, where do I go? I’ve accomplished the biggest goal in my life, something I’d planned on working on for the next ten years, and it feels like I’ve lost a major part of my reason for living. I feel like an astronaut who dreamed of landing on the moon as a child, only to accomplish the goal and realize that he had never dreamed of anything else.

I suppose I still have the rest of my life to decide.

This is going to be one of those stream of consciousness things that I haven’t done in so long. I find myself noting what to write about next, and even though it’s a great way to get out the things I want to say, I’m too focused on a single topic to really feel satisfied.

Actually, I’ve mostly been too busy to write lately, a problem I never thought I’d have. When I’m not too busy, I’m too tired. Been golfing, cleaning, getting my hair cut. Speaking of which, I requested a male “stylist” the other day, as opposed to Josee. I wasn’t sure if this would be a rude thing to do, but I’ve spoken to a lot of people, women included, who believe that male hairdressers do a much better job than their female counterparts. It turns out that quite a lot of people go exclusively to male dressers. I never would have understood why (it seemed like a rather silly thing to me) until I had my hair cut by one. I only needed to tell him that I wanted a trim, and he did a perfect job of it, something that Josee needed about three appointments to figure out.

Today is poker night at Pat’s. I’ve never played Pat before, but I’m scared to death of facing him alone. As a socialite, he can read people like a book, and I’m sure he’d quickly pick up on any tells that I have. Just means that I’ll have to play extra tight, and throw in an occasional bluff to throw him off. Actually, it’s limit hold’em so I can afford to play a little more loose (but still not as greedy as Darren).

Hoping to talk to John tomorrow. He’s been moving around cities, and only settled into a steady summer apartment this week. I tried to catch him up on things earlier, but there just wasn’t enough time.

Part 3 went well enough that it doesn’t even deserve it’s own entry. All I can say now is that I’m cautiously optimistic.