I find myself handling this surprisingly well. I’m not consumed by nervousness and I only dwell on the situation when I wake up at night, and my subconscious crosses the barrier into a languid, sleepless world for an hour or so.

I called John, my diplomatic consigliere, and past his initial reassurances that I won’t be killed in a public place (where the second introduction is to take place), he affirmed the soundness of my plan. The key is to not try to explain myself and my actions and simply ask for forgiveness. Any explanation would be taken as a defensive action or excuse. In this position, one has no right to say anything else. This is quite different from the other times I’ve called him when I’ve been in a difficult situation; normally, I’m at a loss but almost invariably John can come up with the best plan of action. This time, I know what I’m doing, and I simply had to run my idea past him.

A very comforting formality.

Or perhaps it’s just the right idea. Even John has to agree that this is the smartest move to make. I have nothing to lose. I’ve already lost it. I’m just trying to get it back.

The best part is that I’m not forcing myself to do this in any way. I know what should be done, and I’m doing it. The fact that I’m comfortable with this, and that I’m taking the initiative to see it through, already proves to myself how much I’ve grown. Just going through with it is not an accomplishment to be taken lightly.

I already know what album I’ll be listening to on the ride back.