I haven’t been sleeping well lately. At night I wear an anti-bruxism splint (made of thermal active material to eliminate metal clasping), and this prevents the occlusal surfaces of my teeth from wearing down. Unfortunately, this doesn’t prevent the actual act of grinding, and sometimes I still wake up with lock-jaw.

Ever since the beginning of the year, things have been along moving quickly, both good and bad. On top of that, most of it has been happening all at once, leaving my emotions in a rather unsettled state.

Everything feels like it’s some duotone greyscale.

It’s not that anything is wrong, but there’s been a lot on my mind, especially with the upcoming move. I have to get the walls trimmed and washed before painting them. I have to get the locks changed and dimmer switches installed. I have to find the perfect desk and recliner for my room. I have to make sure that the phone and cable is installed. I have to adjust to a new set of monthly (sometimes bi-weekly) payments for insurance, hydro, heat, condo management, mortgage, and property tax. I have to relax and take one thing at a time.

Hopefully, things will be settled by mid-April.

The transfer of keys is the very last step in buying a house. Aside from all the steps involved in actually purchasing one, to get a set of keys means the completion of many things. A consolidation of one’s funds (deposited in trust, posted on file, verified by accountants). The payment of all parties involved (lawyer for legal fees, government for land transfer tax, insurance company for title insurance, as well as the seller for the full amount of the house). A record in the municipal ministry of the transfer ownership (once the lawyers of both parties involved have paid for an execution clearance certificate).

The keys signify that the deal has been closed, and nothing has gone wrong between the time of purchase and the day of transfer. Usually, I worry about things going wrong, even when there’s only a marginal chance, and I have a complete understanding of this fact. When someone shakes my hand after an interview to congratulate me on getting the job, I’ll worry for days, right up until I get my name on the contract. This was no exception. Anything could go wrong — seller changing his mind, hidden lawsuits or liens, or even a failing of the final inspection — from the day I made the bid to the last minutes of the closing date.

Yesterday, I walked into my lawyers office. I carried with me a certified cheque that was mostly my downpayment, but also included his fees and taxes (I’m fortunate enough to not have go into my line of credit to pay for the latter two). I signed several documents, received my status certificate and condo papers, as well as other letters of confirmation.

Today I picked up my keys, and now I own a house.

I’ve tried many times to capture the actual size of Dolly’s current girth, but the camera doesn’t really do a good job of it. I figured that the only way to accurately show how large she’s gotten is with stereoscopic images. That way, one can actually tell how much Dolly is coming off the couch with a bit of depth perception. It’s never easy to take stereoscopic pictures of a cat. Usually they’ll move or twitch when the alternating photo is being taken, so it almost always has to be done while they’re asleep. Even a twitch of the camera strap, or a shuffling of feet will be enough to pique the curiosity of a cat

Dolly’s head looks small in comparison to the rest of her body, but her head is actually normal for a cat her age, and it’s her pot belly that’s grown out of proportion. Every time someone comes over, I usually get a comment on how much she’s grown. Outward.

I haven’t written about this subject in a while now. I needed to take a break, to distance myself in order to gain some perspective. Now that I’m here, I feel comfortable enough to talk about it again.

But before I go on, a little explanation of my potential bias is needed. I’ve always been one to believe that a single bad experience shouldn’t turn someone away from anything forever. I try to keep this belief in my head when I catch myself associating the D/s lifestyle with pain (ha! get it?) and frustration. The only hands-on experience I have being a dominant was with a person who would repeatedly hurt me and bring me down.

However, I don’t believe that this was a conscious characteristic. It was a personality that was widely hypocritical, mean, and extremely difficult to deal with, but all of this fit the “type” of submissive that she was. I saw her as a tremendous, effusive force that, when wielded correctly, could be used to great advantage. The only problem is there are only few with enough strength and patience to tame and guide such a force, although someone who could accomplish such a task would form an unbreakable bond between master and slave. I knew that I would eventually have the strength, but I certainly did not have the patience to be dealing with what constantly felt like a person working against me.

So it’s with this cautionary step that I proceed to explore the D/s branch of the BDSM umbrella. My sub was dependent on the lifestyle; she required it in her relationships, and her only means of relaxation was being a bottom at a party. I knew the risks of getting involved. One of my biggest fears was that I would grow dependent on the lifestyle as well. After all, what greater elation is there than to feel as if one owns another mind, another soul, another person.

As of yet, I don’t feel some tremendous urge to go out and find a sub to abuse. I’m not experienced enough as a dominant to do that. I know, however, that D/s is something I’d want to explore in future relationships. I consider it a basis of openness, trust, and acceptance. Exploring the lifestyle (as a female sub especially) would lay the groundwork for a lot of other things.

Many of which I have yet to discover for myself.

I haven’t been able to get into anything in the last little while. Keeping myself occupied has been difficult. There are distractions everywhere, and I don’t think this will end until I move.

I’d really like to get into a book, but I’m never in the mood for what I have available. I’ve decided to take a break from Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which is why the Zarathustra sessions are on hold. I zealously read it when I was searching for a greater meaning to the problems I was going through at the time, but now I’d prefer to read something that’s easier to get through. I still have my copy of Doctor Zhivago that Christie gave me, but I would need to be in a certain cultural mood (i.e. Russian) to enjoy it, and I’ve read enough Russian literature in the last five years to keep me satisfied for the next little while. I’d like to start Moby Dick again (and possibly even finish it this time), but I want to be a little more settled in my life before I try reading such an epic again. I’d try to finish the Story Of O, but I generally try to stay away from hardcore erotic literature when I’m on the bus or before I go to sleep. I’m not in the mood for sci-fi right now, which is too bad, because John got me a copy of The Butlerian Jihad a few years ago at Christmas, one of the only thoughtful gifts I’ve ever recieved from him. After reading Tigana I can’t get into any other fantasy books, because they all seem shallow and cheesy in comparison. I’m in the mood for something modern, so maybe I’ll go to Chapters and pick up a copy of The Stone Diaries.

There aren’t any decent games to get into at the moment. I don’t completely agree with the new matchmaking policies introduced in the 1.17 patch of Frozen Throne, so I don’t play on battle.net anymore. Usually it’ll be a tower map against John, or a big free-for-all with Trolley and Aaron, but nothing compared to how addicted I was to Starcraft or TFC. I also know better than to get into something like World Of Warcraft if I want to retain any semblance of an actual life. It’s tragic to not be able to play what could easily be one of the most significant games of the next decade, but I’m not willing to take that risk.

There isn’t any TV I can get into lately either. I’m waiting for the fourth season of Trailer Park Boys to come out on DVD. I’ve watched the first seasons of Arrested Development and Clone High over and over again. I’m waiting for Trolley to recieve the first three seasons of Six Feet Under to come in through Zip.ca before watching it. I got half-way through the second season with Louise, but it started to get pointlessly depressing. Maybe this is just in contrast with shows like Trailer Park Boys and Arrested Development, where people who are placed in the worst situations still manage to keep their chins up and their hopes high.

The only thing that has been able to keep me occupied is music, which has been coming in at a regular pace. After hearing Cochise by Audioslave, I wasn’t too impressed with what has become the aftermath of both Soundgarden and Rage Against The Machine breakups. Perhaps this is due to the fact that I’ve always been on the Nirvana side of the Cobain vs. Cornell debate. Some may think that grunge died with the dissolution of Soundgarden, but Nirvana fucking started it all, mock Pixies band or not. In any case, my first impression of Audioslave’s sound was that it was flat and repetitive. What else can be expected from a bassist known for mimicking the main guitar riff in flagship songs like Bulls On Parade and People Of The Sun? I had been listening to Audioslave’s Shadow Of The Sun from the Collateral soundtrack for two weeks now, but it was only two days ago that it really hit me. And yet I’ve been going through so much music lately, that the song becomes as significant as any another I’ve decided to keep.