One of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me was when I was getting intimate with a person I just started dating. She suddenly said, “I don’t think we should be doing this…”, in a sort of whiny, operatic tone.

First thought: “Uh oh”

Second thought: “Oh wait, I get it. Quick, say something sexy”

First words out of mouth: “Don’t you want to?”

Third thought: “Oh god I’m an idiot”

Her response: “Just gotta play along…”

We hadn’t known each other for very long, so it’s not like the whole concept of role-playing had been previously discussed. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because I’m the worst actor in the world if I’m unprepared. If I have a story or mindset planned out beforehand I can act perfectly, but if I have to think on the spot my mind just freezes. The hardest part of a situation like this is that I’d feel like I was taking advantage of a girl (albeit falsely), which is something I don’t think I could even pretend to do.

Sometimes I’m too tired to really think, and my eyes are too tired to focus on anything, so I decide to take a shower to refresh myself. I expect to think about what needs considering while I’m showering, so that I can come back to my computer knowing exactly what I need to. I usually end up not thinking at all while losing myself to the pressure of the water flowing over me.

I’ve been told that Dolly has calmed down now that I’m here. When it was just Nick and Allison, Dolly would jump on them and jump off right away, or go scratching things like crazy. Or if they left to take out the garbage, Dolly would come crazy meowing at the door when they got back five minutes later as if they’d been gone another week. I had to comb her for a while, and must have removed about 10 times the hair I normally do. She’s back to her old self again, except she seems even more affectionate this time, with the headbutting and the lap napping. She seems to want to keep track of everyone now, so she’ll only sleep where she can see everyone, such as on the couch arm if we’re in the living room, or at the juncture of our rooms if we’re in there.

I never talk loudly on my cell phone, especially on the bus, so that the people around will have no idea what the conversation is. Actually, I rarely talk loudly ever, whether I’m just in class or walking down a street, because I don’t want people around to know what I’m thinking. I avoid trying on clothes because I’m scared people will know that I’m thinking about buying a certain pair of pants. I hate asking about an item on a menu because someone will know that I’m considering a certain food. I almost never run for the bus, because if I miss it, I’m afraid that someone will know that I wanted to catch that bus.

I suppose that it’s a little different from what people get to know of me on a day to day basis. My clothes and my elocution are both ways in which I express myself, but these are both things which have been decided on beforehand. It’s the unconclusive situations that make me nervous. I think I’m just scared that people may think that I’m slow.

It’s funny that my mind considers such a thing. I generally don’t care what other people think (unless I respect them, in which case an opinion becomes overly important), so why this? Perhaps I’m just sensitive about my intelligence.

I hate it when people know what I’m thinking.

The evening air is misty, and each street lamp casts a cone of light that reaches to the ground. The sky is washed a dirty pink, and I can barely see 50 yards past my window. All I know is that the ground is covered in ice, and I’m warm and comfortable.