I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within
my shadow.

Change is coming.
Now is my time.

—Tool, Forty Six & 2

I’ll be honest; I don’t talk like this in real life.

I’m not smart like John, who can sporadically use words like “emaciated” is his conversations. My entries need to be carefully thought out, sometimes taking days to write. I don’t talk to people about my sexual experiences, my personal problems, or any of the random shit that pops into my head because people don’t want to hear about any of that.

In fact, I’m very unlike this in real life.

I don’t talk about what I want with people, because I find that most don’t care. Most just wait for their turn to speak, and when they listen, they don’t understand.

In everyday life, one has to be careful about what one says. Here, I express what I want because this is one of the few places that I don’t have to give a fuck what anyone else thinks. This is within reason, of course, because there are things which may involve other people that I have no right to talk about. Anything else is free game. I don’t care if someone thinks I’m stupid, finds me offensive, or even thinks that I’m boring.

It feels good to know that I have a place where I can be myself, express what I want, when I want. It makes me stronger. It brings me comfort. It actually makes me more confident about saying certain things, and makes me unashamed of my emotions.

I’m not myself when I’m around most.

This is me.

So, what I meant to say was that I got a haircut. Due to a series of bad experiences, I generally don’t trust women to cut my hair, but Josée is different. She’s sarcastically funny, she’s cute (Trolley thinks her eyes stand out the most), and she does a great job with texture. I also feel comfortable sitting in her chair, talking or not, and don’t have to worry about her thinking that I’m trying to get in her pants (a worry, due to yet another series of bad experiences) because she’s not stupidly fucking self-absorbed like so many other girls are.

What I really wanted to talk about, though, is the discount she told the receptionist to give me. The discount came in the form of student rates, although I’m not a student anymore, and she knows this because we discussed it during the texturizing process. I’m not sure if she did it knowingly and I don’t like to take advantage of anyone, but I also don’t want to mention the fact that I don’t deserve the discount in case she did it on purpose. I thought about it for a few days, and eventually decided that she most likely acted out of generosity, and the next time it happens, I would leave her an extra tip so she could share in that generosity.

I was planning on writing something else, but had the suggen urge to confess that I was watching Trailer Park Boys with four other guys yesterday and it was the Christmas special where Jono is all preppy and Randy is giving handjobs for cheeseburgers before he becomes assistant superintendent, when Bubbles is sitting with his present in his lap given to him by his parents before they left him when he was young, and Ricky tells him to open it because they’re his family, so I started to cry but no one noticed, and I can’t stop thinking about how fucking stupid it is, and I wonder if anyone ever believes me or thinks I’m doing it for attention or whatever because it makes no fucking sense to me.

I have this theory that there’s no myth to the female orgasm. There are some who can have one and some who can’t. Most of the girls I’ve dated have been able to achieve climax (or have led me to believe so), but there was one who never did and never seemed to care. There is no set attribute for all women.

This may be supported by the fact that it’s the same with the types of orgasms, which vary not only from woman to woman, but from each occurring time as well. Some are implosive, some are explosive. Some are centered in a region, some affect the entire body. Some cause lethargy, some cause energy.

Another girlfriend was of a similar demeanour, but I could tell that she had the ability to be taught at the right time, and the right person would have the patience to teach her the right things. I find that mentally strong girls are the ones who have the best orgasms. They’re also the most fun, because they know what they like and they aren’t afraid to ask for it, allowing for a lot of exploration. It was only when I met a strong girl that I was comfortable pushing her body, comfortable figuring out what she liked. She had the best orgasms, and she’s the only one I know who’s been able to have two very different, very distinct orgasms in a row, or orgasms that would last longer than a minute.

Even the expressions afterwards are unique, whether it’s a jocular look of “Don’t touch me, I’m overstimulated” or bewildered “What the FUCK did you just do?” or “Give me a minute, I can’t feel my brain”. Guys are totally different. Their expressions are linked to their orgasms, and they only have two: the angry face (aggressive, dominant, empowering), and the confused face (soft, whimpering, almost sorry, à la Ben Stiller in There’s Something About Mary).

But that’s just my theory.

I’ve been bombarded (about 50 a day) by a new kind of spam comment lately. It’s been slipping through my MT-Blacklist filters, because it creates intelligible sentences by varying verbs (like “check” and “visit”) and nouns (like “site” and “pages”). Sometimes, when I’m browsing through other sites I see the same spam comments, so I figured I would post the regular expression I wrote to block it in case anyone happens to be searching for one, like the one I wrote a few months ago.

(check|visit)[\w\-_.]*(pages|sites|information|info)[\w\-_. ]*

This has been the most difficult spam variation I’ve had to deal with. The one weakness of most comment spam is that it’s bound to a static website address. Since spam is usually generated through robots, there are patterns that can be matched in order to block it. The key is figuring out what the pattern is, whether it may be a reoccurring IP address (very unlikely and unreliable), or a reoccurring website address (most likely). This one is different though, because the advertised websites keep changing. Not only that, but the sentences used to present the site are also inconsistent. The pattern, as a result, is more complex.