I’ve been wal­low­ing in my own chaotic
And inse­cure delusions.

I wanna feel the change con­sume me,
Feel the out­side turn­ing in.
I wanna feel the meta­mor­pho­sis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within
my shadow.

Change is com­ing.
Now is my time.

—Tool, Forty Six & 2

I’ll be hon­est; I don’t talk like this in real life.

I’m not smart like John, who can spo­rad­i­cally use words like “ema­ci­ated” is his con­ver­sa­tions. My entries need to be care­fully thought out, some­times tak­ing days to write. I don’t talk to peo­ple about my sex­ual expe­ri­ences, my per­sonal prob­lems, or any of the ran­dom shit that pops into my head because peo­ple don’t want to hear about any of that.

In fact, I’m very unlike this in real life.

I don’t talk about what I want with peo­ple, because I find that most don’t care. Most just wait for their turn to speak, and when they lis­ten, they don’t understand.

In every­day life, one has to be care­ful about what one says. Here, I express what I want because this is one of the few places that I don’t have to give a fuck what any­one else thinks. This is within rea­son, of course, because there are things which may involve other peo­ple that I have no right to talk about. Anything else is free game. I don’t care if some­one thinks I’m stu­pid, finds me offen­sive, or even thinks that I’m boring.

It feels good to know that I have a place where I can be myself, express what I want, when I want. It makes me stronger. It brings me com­fort. It actu­ally makes me more con­fi­dent about say­ing cer­tain things, and makes me unashamed of my emotions.

I’m not myself when I’m around most.

This is me.