I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within
my shadow.

Change is coming.
Now is my time.

—Tool, Forty Six & 2

I’ll be honest; I don’t talk like this in real life.

I’m not smart like John, who can sporadically use words like “emaciated” is his conversations. My entries need to be carefully thought out, sometimes taking days to write. I don’t talk to people about my sexual experiences, my personal problems, or any of the random shit that pops into my head because people don’t want to hear about any of that.

In fact, I’m very unlike this in real life.

I don’t talk about what I want with people, because I find that most don’t care. Most just wait for their turn to speak, and when they listen, they don’t understand.

In everyday life, one has to be careful about what one says. Here, I express what I want because this is one of the few places that I don’t have to give a fuck what anyone else thinks. This is within reason, of course, because there are things which may involve other people that I have no right to talk about. Anything else is free game. I don’t care if someone thinks I’m stupid, finds me offensive, or even thinks that I’m boring.

It feels good to know that I have a place where I can be myself, express what I want, when I want. It makes me stronger. It brings me comfort. It actually makes me more confident about saying certain things, and makes me unashamed of my emotions.

I’m not myself when I’m around most.

This is me.